Cayde 7

There were A LOT of people in the delivery room. At least 5 from the NICU, 2 from anesthesiology, a handful of nurses, it seemed like there were quite a few doctors and every time someone came to talk to me and tell me some other portion of what was happening or going to happen it was someone new. One of the NICU people told me that they would be whisking Cayde off immediately and taking him to "the room right over there in the corner." I could see no room but trusted it was in fact there. They said if Cayde was stabilized we may be offered a brief glimpse as he was then whisked from said corner room to the NICU. There were a lot of if's like that. By that point it had really started to bother both Wayne and I.

several hours prior a NICU nurse had come into my room to talk to Wayne and I about what to expect from the NICU, from having a baby so gestationally young and the like. She rattled off in a lovely memorized speech all sorts of information. Of which I could process very little with the kaleidoscope vision and accompanying headache. I remember a few things that she said, two of them resound in my head unwelcomingly. The first was this: "We cannot guarantee your baby will live." After that point I heard nothing else except her final statement: "You didn't cry..." I also heard the judgement in her voice. I burst into tears and looked at Wayne begging him silently to help me out of this situation, willing him to remove this woman from my presence that I might never see her again.

I had been crying a lot of the day. I suppose i didn't realize there were set times that i was supposed to cry. (Heavy on the sarcasm.) The nerve of this woman! She says first that she cannot guarantee my baby will live....then places judgment on my tears, or lack of tears. Could she seriously have thought that it hadn't crossed our minds that our baby might not live? Do I look like such a stupid woman? Surely not so much....

Of course we asked no person for a guarantee.

I have and continue to beg God for the miracle of keeping my son, that he will overcome all of these early obstacles...for him to be healthy and strong...for him to have the desire to fight for his shot at life.

Part of me feels this is entirely selfish....I cannot help it.