Love me, Love me not.

(This was written yesterday and sat here until I just found it not posted. Such are the days of my life.)

Ok, so I think my 24 hour melt down is over..THANK GOODNESS. (Phew)

I think it was like a 24 hour flu bug. Do they have a shot for that? (Oh wait, I have Katie for that!!!! he he! Man she takes good care of me! I have no idea how I could have made it though this without her!)

We are getting into the swing of things. Don't be expecting any quick trips out for toilet paper or anything but spirits are back up (Again phew!) thanks for all the great continued support! This little guy is so cute. And Allori and Porter just love him. I left the room for not more than 30 seconds and Cayde was screaming bloody murder a day or two ago so I go running back in and Porter is force feeding him a dum-dum sucker. Thank you Porter for sharing. *sigh*

Allori is playing soccer. I use the word playing very loosely. lol. She is excited about it all day every day until we get to practice or a game at which point she does very little. This feels like deja vu of swim lessons and dance lessons although somehow she has fond memories of both and begs to go back and did actually learn things. At those two however, she did NOTHING! So I guess we are making progress. At Soccer a moment may hit her that she suddenly gets into it and does great for a second half of practice or 5 minutes of a game. Why oh why was she not blessed with a mother who has one iota of patience? Poor poor child.

Porter is still two. lol. Force feeding babies candy and screaming at me every chance he gets. Today he got mad at Wayne for taking him off the playground at the soccer game, we get into the car and he talks all sweety sweety to Wayne and is hitting and screaming at me. It looked like he remembered that he was mad, just simply not WHO he was mad at. I love my life. I did not say a word to him or even touch him(this time). We are seeing more and more behavior issues come out in him the older he gets. It makes me a little nervous. Not nervous to adopt him, just nervous for the energy it will take.

Once we had Jena and Juliana "diagnosed" we, or I should say I was doing weekly therapy sessions with each one, etc. etc. It takes much more one on one parenting when there are "issues." Plus it takes away time fromt he other children. This weighs heavily on my mind. At what cost is this to Allori? to Cayde? We are thinking that since Ports caretakers were mostly women that neglected him, even though he was little, he may me displacing that on me...? Plus I am the main disciplinarian (not by choice but by luck or lack of luck or because I feel I owe it to the kids or because thats how our personalities fall or some combination of the a fore mentioned) in our house. What's odd is Port thinks I am wonderful if Wayne is not around but if Wayne is there/here I am worse than dirty underwear in a dirty rain gutter. It's not the most pleasant feeling but we generally keep it in perspective. LOL

So here's what makes me nervous. We don't know if Cayde will be special needs but Porter looks more and more like he will be every day and right now Cayde certainly is. Can I be the mother to two special needs boys, both of whom I adore?

That's really a rhetorical question. There is no turning back now. (Right?) You simply cannot unlove someone once you love them. But you can feel fear. Luckily we have faith to lean on....

I love that song that says "believers have a little more faith than the world has doubt." (Joe Nichols)

Lots of times when I tell Porter I love him he yells at me. I think I can make lots (LOTS) of improvements in my parenting, but I think if Heavenly Father were talking to Porter in that moment when I have told him I loved him and he screams at me, He would answer him just like I do, "I do love you."

I think that's what he would say to each one of us when we feel like we don't deserve the love that is being offered....

I do love you!