Chaos

Are you a House fan? Not house as in the roof over your head but House as in the television show. I don't have to watch it every week but I enjoy a good episode. There was one a few weeks ago, I think it was on the rerun channel, that had a funny female character who kept having crazy things happen and in turn kept yelling to the Heavens, "Come on!" (As in, Seriously? That's all you got?)

Um, I feel like that character this week.

Start with Friday when I had two, yes two, intense appointments spaced not very far apart. Allori and I went to grab lunch and take her to Wayne's office for my second one. The drive through was taking forever and I can't tell you why I decided to turn the car off, all I can tell you is that it was a voluntary choice....that apparently my lovely car did not prefer. Keep in mind this is not a clunker-she just acts like it on occasion? (But then-so do I, I guess.) She chose not to start again when we had received our food. Are you serious? Come on! Now imagine with me for a moment...car in drive through parked sufficiently close to the drive through window, also sufficiently showing for 5 months pregnant and not small to begin with...and now I have to remove myself from the car. Nothing about this was pretty. Nothing. Admittedly my car started very quickly when jumped, thank goodness since I was in a HUGE time crunch. I was truly grateful for this small favor. Large Favor. It did save me much stress although my blood pressure had already received quite the boost.

Saturday my friend, Katie, and I went to this HUGE baby flea market thing. It began way across town at 8am which we arrived just in time for...but this was not at all a good plan. We stood in the windy line for a half hour or so then pushed our way through the massive selections, where we found lots of fun things. After waiting in line for like an hour (seriously) to pay for our finds...we got to the front where they rushed us crazily through- instructing us to find, tear and remove tags as quickly as possible...there was a worker helping me and we got it done fairly quickly. I was pretty excited about the things we found. I didn't think I would need anything for the baby except a few odds and ends. But he grew boy parts...well I don't have any boy things (I do have porter things but those thigns start at size 12 months) and my position on boys in pink is a pretty strong opposition. We found some great things for pretty good prices so I feel like I have a start anyway. Upon returning to the home front I was showing Wayno what I had purchased when I noticed about 5 things with the tags still on. Are you serious? Yes, I stole them. It was completely unintentional, but they were thieved none the less. I don't know how this happened. The nice man who was rushing me (It's a bit hard to rush me in most things anyway as I prefer fast or not at all but somehow he was in more of a rush that I was.) was helping me do the tags. How did we miss those items? I felt horrible. I still do. I didn't mean to thieve them. (It was pretty far across town and nearly over or possibly already over by the time I realized so I wasn't able to rectify my errr. Bummer.)

My morning sickness is back full time. Are you serious? I think this is due to my acid reflux medicine being changed. Our new insurance doesn't cover the other one. It took me several days to realize what the cause was or rather what fix was missing. I don't know why the prilosec helps so much, but it does.

Oh, we can't forget this one. On Sunday I accidentally took sleeping medicine rather than pain medicine. Are you serious? I didn't realize until I started to feel woozy. The kicker here is I haven't even been taking sleeping medicine at night cause it's not been working. I haven't been sleeping and taking the medicine makes no difference, so with no benefit, I figure I ought not to take it. Obviously it's better to take nothing when pregnant. And with no benefit to me or the baby, definitely better not to take it. (Um, jsut so you now I am being responible, my meications have all been approved through a pre natal specialist.) So why does it knock me out in the day time, the morning at that? I was supposed to teach young women's at church. That was obviously not going to work out at that point so I called Michelle, a member of the Yong Women's Presidency to ask her to combine the classes. I first called the other teacher to see if she could do it, but she was out of sorts as well. I am certain I slurred through the conversation, I remember very little of it. Are you serious?

While writing this...I sit in my chair (Do you have a chair? Does everyone have a chair? Well, I have a chair. I need a new one, but it's the most comfortable place for me to sit and keeps me out of pain more than the couch and other chairs do.) My front door is open. The moths come and go as they please. The large non opening window is un-curtained even though is it dark now. Sherah and Taya like to check things out (people, cars, other animals, etc.) They are very good dogs and I have taught them to stay in the yard. They follow this rule 99% of the time which I think is pretty darn good. I saw the dogs trot out the front door and didn't think much about it as I was setting my computer down and standing up to go to the restroom, when suddenly some unstable woman screeches, "GET YOUR DOGS!!!!!!!!!!" Now they must be eating her alive right? Surely. upon assessing the scene I realized they were not chasing her, they were not out of my yard or off my property. Perhaps she is afraid of dogs. I do not know. I am sorry if she is. This really got under my skin. Again with the raised blood pressure and instant stress. When I realized the dogs were doing nothing that could even be remotely perceived as threatening I wanted to yell, are you serious? I do not need any stress. None. I need none people. I think I have put my time in where stress is concerned. (In a lifelong outlook sort of way.) LOL

Sigh.

I could throw more from the last week or two in, but those are some of the highlights. Sorry you missed it I am sure. Please be advised this episode of chaos is over. That is a proclamation to the Heavens, the world, to all who care or don't care to know it. I need some peace and some joy now please...in large helpings.

Oh the possibilities

So I have a couple of names that I think I like pretty well.

Zaedon and Cade.

Unfortunately they don't really go together in either direction so I will still need to chose and come up with a second name...but I am getting closer.

(I do like Cole also Danelle.)

The Name Game-PS

I have been asking (begging/making) Wayne to come up with ideas. Tonight as we were watching Diners, drive ins and Dives, he suggested both "Guy" and "Fieri," the hosts first and last names. *sigh*

He doesn't like the ones I have come up with much. We did not have this issue with Allori's name. I had it pre-chosen and he loved it. We wrestled with her middle name a bit, but that wasn't so bad. I felt as least partially there.

There are a few we both like, such as Jonathan....but compared to Porter and Allori, it seems a little plain, although I would love to name him after my uncle who is more like a brother to me. (He is just 3 years older than me.) We both like Preston, but as previoulsy stated, I don't feel liek it's "The One."

Guy? I am not naming my son Guy.

The Name Game

I am having serious stress about choosing a boy name. I am finding lots that I like, but none that I think are the right name for MY baby. What does that even mean? I am losing patience with myself. lol. When my best friend Michelle had her first son, the moment she thought she ahd a name chosen (which was none to soon for me) I went out and bought her a magnet iwth the name on it so she was stuck. My sweet friend, Brenda who is due in June has apparently chosen a name and will not tell people. All I can say to that is...well nothing...it makes me want to slowly shake my head and sigh. I do not understand this Brenda! If you decide you want to wait for a surprise to see if it's a boy or girl rather than find out...fine. Not for me, but I can go with that.ind of. Of course you won't be getting as col a gift if you get one at all because what do you buy or make? But why will you not tell? You tink it will be fun for us to have a surprise? *sigh* Anyway back to my own issue....There are names I like, several of them were included in Natalie and Danelles lists on previous post. But nothing makes me feel like-yes! that is it!

I know...you are probably thinking Istill have 19 weeks and sufficient time to think....if youa re thining this...you do not know me well enough! LOL. I need a name TODAY!

I fanally caved and loked on a some online lists today. Jesus(Hay-sus), Jose, Jabari...seem to hold the same validy and pull as Preston, Vaughn, Blake, Layne and the like. The latter portion of the list are names I like very much but they don't "feel" right. I cannot handle not knowing what his name is going to be....life is rough. LOL

Change of Placement

Well there have been some changes in our family lately.

Israel's dad has complained about us from the beginning. I honestly feel that it had very little to do with us and had everything to do with his not being in control. He is old world Mexican. So, he wants the woman to do the work, as he says to do it....and that's it. Keep in mind that Israel would not have even been put in care except that dad denied being the dad when CYFD showed up. The complaint was against the mother and the dad lived elsewhere, just happened to be watching him at her house when they showed up to check things out. He denied being the father saying he was the uncle. No one knows why. He also kept handing the baby to the investigator saying he needed to go to work. Because of those things, they needed to verify paternity and from there the dad has proven to be a problem.

At first he complained about smaller things that CYFD could just kind of ignore. He said Issy was sick all the time. He is congested all the time but it's allergies and there is very little you can do for that, for a babe. I had him checked out routinely for this. He also did not like that we had dogs. (He told the Social Worker it must be a cultural thing-apparently we are white so we have dogs, no other culture does that? The funny part is the SW is Hispanic also and she said to him, "Actually I have dogs too, and they are inside dogs."hahaahah.) He thinks I put Issy to bed to early (7:30-8:00). There were lots of complaints like that. However he acted like my friend and I went above and beyond by letting him call to check on Issy and see him an extra time each week. This was not convenient for me but I felt it was best at the time for Issy and his dad and family. However when the complaints continued and my stress level stayed high, I cut off communication with the dad. He still got to see him at his appointed visits, etc. but I did not answer calls or make arrangements for extra visits.

Things seemed to calm down.

Until a month or so ago.

A little more background info. Issy is a bit of a clumsy kid. He didn't crawl or move much when he got to our home at 11 months old. I think this was a combination of a couple of things. First he is just a bit delayed. Drug baies are sometimes. Second, no one was giving him naps or putting him to bed early enough so with a lack of sleep how does one learn and grow and do the things he needs to do? Once he was on a nice and appropriate schedule he picked things up pretty quickly. He walked at about 15 months. (His family expects nothing from him though so he wouldn't walk for them for like 2 months after that. They didn't even know he could walk. Interesting, no?) He would do lots of things for us that he would not do for him family, like give kisses, do small chores like putting his clothes in the dirty clothes, etc. Anyway, he is still not terribly stable on his feet, like I said, a little clumsy. So he falls and bumps things. I don't think this is a big deal, he will get better as he goes.

Another issue is he is kinda mean to other kids. My theory is that his family spoils him so much (they seriously expect nothing out of him-if he throws a Ball, he will point to it and they will go fetch it for him, they expect nothing and just set him down and serve him. It's odd to me.) So he shares...well, not very well. Less well than most kids. I know all kids have a little trouble with this, but he really struggles, He takes toys, he hits when someone won't just give up the toy they are playing with cause he wants it. He is a Little bit mean. (I know this sounds liek a normal child, but he is a bit extreme at each of these things.) So, in turn sometimes the other kids, like at daycare, will lash out at him in frustration. To me it's kind of a natural thing to do. The SW agrees that he is aggressive. She has observed him being aggressive on a number of occasions. In fact they told a recent respite provider he is aggressive. Interesting.

Here is where the issue comes in. His dad started calling in every bruise as a referral. Meaning we would be investigated for child abuse, every. time. Everytime he got hurt or got a bruise. Seriously? Yes, seriously. In two weeks we were investigated like 4 times. Every time it was cleared. Every time it was unsubstantiated. Every time it was incredibly stressful. Every time showed us it wasn't going to end. It was scary. He even mentioned sexual abuse to the therapeutic school he was going to. WHAT?!?!?!?!? That was snubbed out right away thank the good Lord. The best we can figure is he is deflecting in the worst kind of way. A lot of biological parents will complain incessantly because somehow to them it makes them look not so bad. I have seen other situations like this. Usually CYFD will have a meeting with everyone and explain to the bio parents the damage this can do to the children, that it in fact will not help anyone and usually it gets some better. CYFD, even though they cleared every. single. thing. they dropped the ball and did not talk to the father. It kept going, the stress seemed to not end. We didn't know what to do, the complaints and investigations kept coming. It was very scary.

We had quite a bit o support although admittedly it did not feel liek it. All three of the SWs that are in my home each month were incredibly supportive and said plainly that they ahd no concerns about us or our care of the children. The investigator said the same thing, The kids lawyers said the same. However, when it hits this kind of extreme it goes to everyones supervisors and none of them know us. In fact two of them have issues with us becasue I fight har for y kids rights and that seems to rock the boat a bit. So they did not have suport for us. So even though everythgin was cleared those poeple, the supervisors seemed to treat up like criminals. (Jerks. lol)

Finally we asked for him to be moved. It was very sad for us. I have never asked for a child to be moved before, I don't think it's good for the kids. I don't think it was the best thing for Issy. But I do fel that it was the best thing for our family. Part of me feels liek I gave up on him. I adamantly stand against moving kids from foster home to foster home. However I also stand firmly in the position that we must, absolutley must protect OUR family.

Now he has to get used to a new family, etc. But what else could we do. I was sooo stresed I was nervous it might effect my baby. It was definitely effecting our family and home.

They sent him to respite for the weekend (last weekend) then asked the respite provider to take him as a placement. They told the family he was probably going to adoption soon. This family is only looking for adoptable kids. They lied to her. He is not going up for adoption. I doubt he ever will. The dad isn't doing great but he is not doing badly enough that they will not return the babe to him. My SW told her that when she (the new foster mom) came to pick him up so she knows they lied to her but she is still hopeful. That's not fair to her. I hate that they work that way. The placement worker was desperate enough to get him placed quickly that he lied to her. I can't handle things like that.

Our home is suddenly more peaceful. I don't think you notice as it gradually gets more stressful until it's too much. We love Issy and we miss him but I believe this is what's best.

And the results are in.....

So I had my sonogram today....I told the technician what I have been telling everyone, "We think it's a girl. We won't be sad if it's a boy, we just think it's a girl."

Her reply: "Well I am glad you won't be sad cause it's boy."

huh.

"Are you sure....?" LOL

"Well let me get some more pictures..." (getting other views, other photos)

One of them popped up on the screen and All doubt faded. He is all boy. hehe. already looks like he has the Pehrson belly. The Pehrson bely is cute. Alori has it and Wayne has it. It's a nice belly...not like mine. LOL. I feel really excited. I think mostly because I hadn't really considered that he would in fact be a he. So it was a fun surprise.

When we had Allori I had everything ready. A lovely nursery, all the things I wanted and thought we needed. We had to stay in the hospital 2 full days cause of the Group B Strep. (FYI the Dr said there is a good Chance I will have that still or again if I had it last time. Good to know.) Then my sweet husband packed us up in the car. We must have thought of something we wanted right away as we were driving home. I can't remember what, I am thinking it was food. So Wayne dropped Allori and I off at home and went to the store. I remember standing in the living room, looking around and thinking, "well shoot...now what do I do with her?" She seemed too little to put in her crib and it seemed wrong to lay her on the floor on day 1. I needed to sit down. I think I tried laying her on a blanket on the floor and didn't like that so I ended up holding her in my comfy chair. I felt lost. I loved her, I was more in love than I ever thought possible, but I was lost too.

Today I feel a little bit similarly. What do I do with a boy? LOL.

I don't know why I feel that way, I have had 2 of them for nearly a year, so whats new? I don't know...but it is how I feel.

I have a name picked out but I am not sure I am in love with it and Wayne isn't...so I need to think more. There are three total that I like but none of them are for sures, so I need to find that one that is THE right one....I am such a planner I feel lost. A boy? But I had it all planned for a girl. LOL. Heavenly Father lke to play little tricks. He needs to have his fun too.

I will take name suggestions. I like not-usual, unique but not weird, strong good names. See, I don't ask for much. LOL.

Groupie

So Porter is like a little groupie. He is way into American Idol tonight. He keeps going up and kissing the tv and (laughing) now he just pulled up his jammie shirt and "bumped" the tv. Not sure what to think of that but it was super funny.