Firecracker

Allori is so amazing in so many ways. First, she is fast becoming bi-lingual. I think she is the only gringa in her pre-school class. I love that she is learning Spanish! The other day I might have gotten a little upset because I hadn't heard her say please in English in months in seemed like. I don't know why it bothered me but it did ok? I place the blame squarely on hormones where it belongs!

She decided she was ready to ride her bike yesterday without training wheels so daddy and uncle Craig took them off for her. (pics are terrible but it was dusk and our digital is what it is ok?)

She only worked on it for about 10 or 15 minutes and we had no need for any runs to urgent care so that's not bad. She did yell directives at her dad the whole time. I do ask her to not yell and boss her dad and I try not to do that. I am bossy by nature as is my mother and her mother before her and my great grandmother before her. I am guessing the trend did not start there but you know...just a guess.

People it's in our genes. We know how to get things done. We can't help it.

It amazes me how bossy she is. I try to correct her and teach her to reign it in a bit. Whew! She is a fire cracker! How can she be so bossy and then be so shy in the next moment?

She has been doing this amazing art lately. I need to get a photo of some of it. She is taking pieces of nature and creating art, gluing it to paper and adding colors and making beautiful creative art. I LOVE it!Love it. Love her....My beautiful creative feisty firecracker. I am so glad I have her forever. I could stare at her beautiful person just that long.

To shave or not to shave

I have a hypothetical story for you. Michelle and I used to tell lots of hypothetical stories in high school. LOTS. Approximately two of them were ever truly hypothetical. One of those was a fictional story she made up about me and a cab driver for a journalism assignment and I am throwing in another one to be safe although I cannot remember any others. General there was a reason for the story to be hypothetical.

The fiance has shaved every day since puberty or so the woman is told. She has never seen her fiance unshaven. On their wedding day however, her betrothed meets her in an unshaven manner
"What is this? You have not shaved on our wedding day?"
His eyes are as big as headlights for he has overlooked this chore on this very important day.
"Fix this!"
She really thinks it is quite sweet that he is so nervous....
Life gets busy and shaving gets less and less. His stubble gets soft on day 7 so he shaves it on day 6 just to torture her, certainly. lol.
One Christmas the wife buys her husband an electric razor. He explains that it does not give a very clean shave. He is not disrespectful or unkind just informative with this information. She expects to see the razor in the trash. But the worthless razor lives on to the wife's dismay. Hypothetically the husband has decided it is a good idea to spend 20 minutes doing a pre-shave then his normal 10 minutes shaving. Are you serious?

I do not know why he is testing me.

This morning as I was about to die from stress I started to laugh. LAUGH! Allori came and asked why I was laughing...I was crying so hard because I could not stop laughing. Finally my husband comes in after his THIRTY minute shave to ask why I was laughing I told him it was that or kill him dead. There was fist waiving and gut wrenching. I think the laughter and tears made them null and void. He was unclear what the issue was. A pre-shave? Seriously?

You understand...all of this is hypothetical....just wondering what you would do if you had a faulty appliance. ;)

Touched

As an addendum to my melt down-

The most amazing people have been bringing us the most delicious dinners. I feel spoiled and supported and cared for and helped and thankful! Thank you!!!! I thank you, my family thanks you! (Everything has been so yum, can we have such good fortune?) :)

Boy this is a week of honesty, no?

We are sliding into a good routine. Moments hit me that seem too big but for the most part things are going smoothly...you know, if I don't have to cook or clean or go anywhere. Getting to church was HUGE! I was shaky and so nervous when we got there and I don't know why. I think I was nervous everyone was going to be sick and want to touch the babe. (Everyone including strangers were all touchy touchy when I had Allori-it was weird.) And of course I DO want to show Cayde off....it's just finding a balance. :)

People there is something to be said for being a little bit touched. ;) (I think I am so funny)

Love me, Love me not.

(This was written yesterday and sat here until I just found it not posted. Such are the days of my life.)

Ok, so I think my 24 hour melt down is over..THANK GOODNESS. (Phew)

I think it was like a 24 hour flu bug. Do they have a shot for that? (Oh wait, I have Katie for that!!!! he he! Man she takes good care of me! I have no idea how I could have made it though this without her!)

We are getting into the swing of things. Don't be expecting any quick trips out for toilet paper or anything but spirits are back up (Again phew!) thanks for all the great continued support! This little guy is so cute. And Allori and Porter just love him. I left the room for not more than 30 seconds and Cayde was screaming bloody murder a day or two ago so I go running back in and Porter is force feeding him a dum-dum sucker. Thank you Porter for sharing. *sigh*

Allori is playing soccer. I use the word playing very loosely. lol. She is excited about it all day every day until we get to practice or a game at which point she does very little. This feels like deja vu of swim lessons and dance lessons although somehow she has fond memories of both and begs to go back and did actually learn things. At those two however, she did NOTHING! So I guess we are making progress. At Soccer a moment may hit her that she suddenly gets into it and does great for a second half of practice or 5 minutes of a game. Why oh why was she not blessed with a mother who has one iota of patience? Poor poor child.

Porter is still two. lol. Force feeding babies candy and screaming at me every chance he gets. Today he got mad at Wayne for taking him off the playground at the soccer game, we get into the car and he talks all sweety sweety to Wayne and is hitting and screaming at me. It looked like he remembered that he was mad, just simply not WHO he was mad at. I love my life. I did not say a word to him or even touch him(this time). We are seeing more and more behavior issues come out in him the older he gets. It makes me a little nervous. Not nervous to adopt him, just nervous for the energy it will take.

Once we had Jena and Juliana "diagnosed" we, or I should say I was doing weekly therapy sessions with each one, etc. etc. It takes much more one on one parenting when there are "issues." Plus it takes away time fromt he other children. This weighs heavily on my mind. At what cost is this to Allori? to Cayde? We are thinking that since Ports caretakers were mostly women that neglected him, even though he was little, he may me displacing that on me...? Plus I am the main disciplinarian (not by choice but by luck or lack of luck or because I feel I owe it to the kids or because thats how our personalities fall or some combination of the a fore mentioned) in our house. What's odd is Port thinks I am wonderful if Wayne is not around but if Wayne is there/here I am worse than dirty underwear in a dirty rain gutter. It's not the most pleasant feeling but we generally keep it in perspective. LOL

So here's what makes me nervous. We don't know if Cayde will be special needs but Porter looks more and more like he will be every day and right now Cayde certainly is. Can I be the mother to two special needs boys, both of whom I adore?

That's really a rhetorical question. There is no turning back now. (Right?) You simply cannot unlove someone once you love them. But you can feel fear. Luckily we have faith to lean on....

I love that song that says "believers have a little more faith than the world has doubt." (Joe Nichols)

Lots of times when I tell Porter I love him he yells at me. I think I can make lots (LOTS) of improvements in my parenting, but I think if Heavenly Father were talking to Porter in that moment when I have told him I loved him and he screams at me, He would answer him just like I do, "I do love you."

I think that's what he would say to each one of us when we feel like we don't deserve the love that is being offered....

I do love you!

Overage-overage...warning

Some days don't quite go like you plan. That isn't good for us planners. (Right Jesse?) When one births a child under 2 lbs-that day just doesn't turn out like one plans. It's different. That one was miraculous. Since that day there have been lots-lots of days, almost 4 months worth....and the one I have been looking most forward to is the one where I could bring that little miracle home. It came on Tuesday. Tuesday was wonderful. The days since have not been.

They are not going as planned. I am completely overwhelmed. I am still completely in love with my beautiful Cayde but I am so overwhelmed.

I have slept about as much as I expected. :)

My son is beautiful.

My schedule is anything but what I would have thought. (I will go into this in a later post)

My family is larger than ever but Cayde and I are so alone. (That is not a depressive comment-that means no one knows how to do his stuff but me! Wayne is too busy to learn-maybe that's an excuse on both of our parts, I don't know. I feel confused about this.)

I am very very very overwhelmed.

We have already called 911 once. (Please please let that be the only time.)

Here was my big clue that I was not doing so well: My saint of a sister in law said she would do dinners til the ward kicked in to do them. We told her the ward was starting. I got a call last night at 5:45 saying she got busy and there would be no dinner. I thanked her politely and hung up the phone and promptly cried. I could deal, Cayde has milk but I needed to feed the rest of my family and what as I supposed to do at dinner time with no time to plan or do? (She was not trying to be mean I am certain-I am just tapped out on stress is all.) And it killed me that my sister in law totally had it taken care of! but we cancelled...

So when the news of lack of dinner caused tears I knew I was tapped. I think I have handled all of this quite well. Quite well. We have been incredibly blessed and I think I have kept that really in perspective, but last night and today-boy and I am just tapped. lol.