These Days...

Someday and today.

2009-11-06T15:51:00.002-07:00

...the makeup will make it out of my make-up bag and onto my face.

...my hair will be short enough to be manageable again.

I seem to have lots of energy-which is fabulous (considering the fibromyalgia!) but there is only so much to go around. This week it is going to kids, house and and enrichment. (Mucho time on each.)

But not one day this week has my face been made up and my hair is too long to me managed which means its just frizzy and I throw it up in a clip.

But here is what I can tell you. I feel amazing. I am so thankful i have energy. I love that my children have a mom to take care of them and that my house is in ok order-well its getting there. lol. I am grateful for friends and for husbands (mostly mine) and this week Diet Cherry Dr Pepper rates really high on the list. :) And this week my pain level is low. I am so so grateful for that!

Cayde pics

2009-11-05T11:40:00.002-07:00

My sweet friend Michelle Cortez took some pics of Cayde and posted some on her blog. She is so fun! Thanks Michelle!

Peace Pipe

2009-11-01T22:14:00.003-07:00

I think people are funny. I mean FUNNY.

Today my neighbor who through the Quinceanera a few months ago for her daughter- yes the same one I walked into with my inside out shirt-yes knowing it was inside out. It happens people....

They are Mexican. They are Catholic. I think both of those things are fine and I think I have made clear through the years as we have sat out on her or Charlene or Patty's or my front porch talking late into the summer nights. We are all very good friends. They are the kind of neighbor's one wants to have. The kind you can depend on, the kind you want to pack up and take with you when you move.

Tonight said neighbor knocked on my door with a gift for the baby and a prayer rug that had a little thing in English (not her first or best language) explaining you should write a small note asking for any blessing you need and you will be prayed for. Ok.

I took it from her. She was very nervous I could tell. She kept glancing at our picture of Christ on the wall. She kept asking if it was ok and saying she wanted to come sooner and telling me I did not have to do it. (Shouldn't this have been a peace pipe of sorts?) Her Jesus, My Jesus, they are the same man, no?

Thus she WAS nervous and I knew it must have taken her great courage to come. I did not write the note FOR her, but I did write the note. Look...I ain't turnin away any prayers. If you have one and you are willin to send it our way, I will take it.

Anyway I wrote her a note, she had someone else's note and made it very clear she was not only not reading it but not looking at it even. It was to be folded back up into the rug. (This did not concern me, but I thought i very sweet a gesture.)

Our other neighbor Charlene had told/asked her to light candles for Cayde. I appreciated that. Each and every one. I do not feel religion should be a stumbling block between us but a commonality, a way if no other that we can grasp hands and say...bless you....you are loved by someone higher and bigger and more powerful than me.

Firecracker

2009-10-21T12:58:00.002-06:00

Allori is so amazing in so many ways. First, she is fast becoming bi-lingual. I think she is the only gringa in her pre-school class. I love that she is learning Spanish! The other day I might have gotten a little upset because I hadn't heard her say please in English in months in seemed like. I don't know why it bothered me but it did ok? I place the blame squarely on hormones where it belongs!

She decided she was ready to ride her bike yesterday without training wheels so daddy and uncle Craig took them off for her. (pics are terrible but it was dusk and our digital is what it is ok?)

She only worked on it for about 10 or 15 minutes and we had no need for any runs to urgent care so that's not bad. She did yell directives at her dad the whole time. I do ask her to not yell and boss her dad and I try not to do that. I am bossy by nature as is my mother and her mother before her and my great grandmother before her. I am guessing the trend did not start there but you know...just a guess.

People it's in our genes. We know how to get things done. We can't help it.

It amazes me how bossy she is. I try to correct her and teach her to reign it in a bit. Whew! She is a fire cracker! How can she be so bossy and then be so shy in the next moment?

She has been doing this amazing art lately. I need to get a photo of some of it. She is taking pieces of nature and creating art, gluing it to paper and adding colors and making beautiful creative art. I LOVE it!Love it. Love her....My beautiful creative feisty firecracker. I am so glad I have her forever. I could stare at her beautiful person just that long.

To shave or not to shave

2009-10-20T23:04:00.001-06:00

I have a hypothetical story for you. Michelle and I used to tell lots of hypothetical stories in high school. LOTS. Approximately two of them were ever truly hypothetical. One of those was a fictional story she made up about me and a cab driver for a journalism assignment and I am throwing in another one to be safe although I cannot remember any others. General there was a reason for the story to be hypothetical.

The fiance has shaved every day since puberty or so the woman is told. She has never seen her fiance unshaven. On their wedding day however, her betrothed meets her in an unshaven manner
"What is this? You have not shaved on our wedding day?"
His eyes are as big as headlights for he has overlooked this chore on this very important day.
"Fix this!"
She really thinks it is quite sweet that he is so nervous....
Life gets busy and shaving gets less and less. His stubble gets soft on day 7 so he shaves it on day 6 just to torture her, certainly. lol.
One Christmas the wife buys her husband an electric razor. He explains that it does not give a very clean shave. He is not disrespectful or unkind just informative with this information. She expects to see the razor in the trash. But the worthless razor lives on to the wife's dismay. Hypothetically the husband has decided it is a good idea to spend 20 minutes doing a pre-shave then his normal 10 minutes shaving. Are you serious?

I do not know why he is testing me.

This morning as I was about to die from stress I started to laugh. LAUGH! Allori came and asked why I was laughing...I was crying so hard because I could not stop laughing. Finally my husband comes in after his THIRTY minute shave to ask why I was laughing I told him it was that or kill him dead. There was fist waiving and gut wrenching. I think the laughter and tears made them null and void. He was unclear what the issue was. A pre-shave? Seriously?

You understand...all of this is hypothetical....just wondering what you would do if you had a faulty appliance. ;)

Touched

2009-10-18T22:54:00.002-06:00

As an addendum to my melt down-

The most amazing people have been bringing us the most delicious dinners. I feel spoiled and supported and cared for and helped and thankful! Thank you!!!! I thank you, my family thanks you! (Everything has been so yum, can we have such good fortune?) :)

Boy this is a week of honesty, no?

We are sliding into a good routine. Moments hit me that seem too big but for the most part things are going smoothly...you know, if I don't have to cook or clean or go anywhere. Getting to church was HUGE! I was shaky and so nervous when we got there and I don't know why. I think I was nervous everyone was going to be sick and want to touch the babe. (Everyone including strangers were all touchy touchy when I had Allori-it was weird.) And of course I DO want to show Cayde off....it's just finding a balance. :)

People there is something to be said for being a little bit touched. ;) (I think I am so funny)

Love me, Love me not.

2009-10-18T22:53:00.000-06:00

(This was written yesterday and sat here until I just found it not posted. Such are the days of my life.)

Ok, so I think my 24 hour melt down is over..THANK GOODNESS. (Phew)

I think it was like a 24 hour flu bug. Do they have a shot for that? (Oh wait, I have Katie for that!!!! he he! Man she takes good care of me! I have no idea how I could have made it though this without her!)

We are getting into the swing of things. Don't be expecting any quick trips out for toilet paper or anything but spirits are back up (Again phew!) thanks for all the great continued support! This little guy is so cute. And Allori and Porter just love him. I left the room for not more than 30 seconds and Cayde was screaming bloody murder a day or two ago so I go running back in and Porter is force feeding him a dum-dum sucker. Thank you Porter for sharing. *sigh*

Allori is playing soccer. I use the word playing very loosely. lol. She is excited about it all day every day until we get to practice or a game at which point she does very little. This feels like deja vu of swim lessons and dance lessons although somehow she has fond memories of both and begs to go back and did actually learn things. At those two however, she did NOTHING! So I guess we are making progress. At Soccer a moment may hit her that she suddenly gets into it and does great for a second half of practice or 5 minutes of a game. Why oh why was she not blessed with a mother who has one iota of patience? Poor poor child.

Porter is still two. lol. Force feeding babies candy and screaming at me every chance he gets. Today he got mad at Wayne for taking him off the playground at the soccer game, we get into the car and he talks all sweety sweety to Wayne and is hitting and screaming at me. It looked like he remembered that he was mad, just simply not WHO he was mad at. I love my life. I did not say a word to him or even touch him(this time). We are seeing more and more behavior issues come out in him the older he gets. It makes me a little nervous. Not nervous to adopt him, just nervous for the energy it will take.

Once we had Jena and Juliana "diagnosed" we, or I should say I was doing weekly therapy sessions with each one, etc. etc. It takes much more one on one parenting when there are "issues." Plus it takes away time fromt he other children. This weighs heavily on my mind. At what cost is this to Allori? to Cayde? We are thinking that since Ports caretakers were mostly women that neglected him, even though he was little, he may me displacing that on me...? Plus I am the main disciplinarian (not by choice but by luck or lack of luck or because I feel I owe it to the kids or because thats how our personalities fall or some combination of the a fore mentioned) in our house. What's odd is Port thinks I am wonderful if Wayne is not around but if Wayne is there/here I am worse than dirty underwear in a dirty rain gutter. It's not the most pleasant feeling but we generally keep it in perspective. LOL

So here's what makes me nervous. We don't know if Cayde will be special needs but Porter looks more and more like he will be every day and right now Cayde certainly is. Can I be the mother to two special needs boys, both of whom I adore?

That's really a rhetorical question. There is no turning back now. (Right?) You simply cannot unlove someone once you love them. But you can feel fear. Luckily we have faith to lean on....

I love that song that says "believers have a little more faith than the world has doubt." (Joe Nichols)

Lots of times when I tell Porter I love him he yells at me. I think I can make lots (LOTS) of improvements in my parenting, but I think if Heavenly Father were talking to Porter in that moment when I have told him I loved him and he screams at me, He would answer him just like I do, "I do love you."

I think that's what he would say to each one of us when we feel like we don't deserve the love that is being offered....

I do love you!

Overage-overage...warning

2009-10-16T11:57:00.004-06:00

Some days don't quite go like you plan. That isn't good for us planners. (Right Jesse?) When one births a child under 2 lbs-that day just doesn't turn out like one plans. It's different. That one was miraculous. Since that day there have been lots-lots of days, almost 4 months worth....and the one I have been looking most forward to is the one where I could bring that little miracle home. It came on Tuesday. Tuesday was wonderful. The days since have not been.

They are not going as planned. I am completely overwhelmed. I am still completely in love with my beautiful Cayde but I am so overwhelmed.

I have slept about as much as I expected. :)

My son is beautiful.

My schedule is anything but what I would have thought. (I will go into this in a later post)

My family is larger than ever but Cayde and I are so alone. (That is not a depressive comment-that means no one knows how to do his stuff but me! Wayne is too busy to learn-maybe that's an excuse on both of our parts, I don't know. I feel confused about this.)

I am very very very overwhelmed.

We have already called 911 once. (Please please let that be the only time.)

Here was my big clue that I was not doing so well: My saint of a sister in law said she would do dinners til the ward kicked in to do them. We told her the ward was starting. I got a call last night at 5:45 saying she got busy and there would be no dinner. I thanked her politely and hung up the phone and promptly cried. I could deal, Cayde has milk but I needed to feed the rest of my family and what as I supposed to do at dinner time with no time to plan or do? (She was not trying to be mean I am certain-I am just tapped out on stress is all.) And it killed me that my sister in law totally had it taken care of! but we cancelled...

So when the news of lack of dinner caused tears I knew I was tapped. I think I have handled all of this quite well. Quite well. We have been incredibly blessed and I think I have kept that really in perspective, but last night and today-boy and I am just tapped. lol.

Porter's Rules

2009-09-15T20:00:00.002-06:00

This morning before school the kids had some extra time so I turned on Oswald for them. Porter got really upset after a few minutes and was yelling, "MAMA! MAMA!" And pointing at Oswald. So we started the what is Porter trying to tell me game and as I noticed Porters very upset/mad face and Oswald juggling some fruit, I wondered if he could be upset cause Oswald was throwing food...? (I had already exhausted several other possibilities!)

"Porter, is Oswald throwing food?"

"YESH!" (the h adds a bit of emphasis for him. lol. it's very cute.)

"Do you not want him to throw food?"

"NO!"

"Is that naughty to throw food?"

"YESH!"

Ah...we are upset cause Oswald is breaking the rules. His brow was creased...He was honestly upset. He did not see the difference of juggling and throwing food. He might just be a boy after his mamas heart after all!

Shower

2009-09-12T17:42:00.005-06:00

Last night Katie gave me the most amazing shower. Lots of others helped and brought the yummiest snacks! (Thank you!) And Everyone was soo generous! Cayde is a little spoiled guy already! I am going to link you to Katie's blog here. (I will leave it linked but I figured out how to thieve her pics - thanks Katie). LOL. I had such a great time and seriously everyone spoiled us! Thank you Thank you Thank you! Cayde has the handsomest clothes (TONS) and smell good lotions and shampoos (lots), a plethora of the softest, most lovely blankets. Diapers and Wipes! Cute plaques to put his hand and foot prints! And the sweetest handmade hooded bath towels. Can a boy be more loved and spoiled? I think not.

Katie has been the most amazing support for us from day one with Cayde and with everything. I don't know what we would have done without her. I love you Katie! Thank you everyone, last night and just in general for being so supportive through Cayde's trials. It is really fun to celebrate his successes!

I cannot wait for him to come to us! (That cake says "Come home Soon Cayde" and has the cutest little baby on it with his bum in the air. Isn't the best when they sleep with their bum in the air?)

Today on these Days....

2009-09-06T21:44:00.003-06:00

I don't do a lot of daily-here is what we did today updates because...well..that's not the sort of blogger that I am. But occasionally one must break her own rules and do a simple update just because.

The purpose of this very basic update is just to let you know how Cayde is doing and of his progress. I have found in the past few days I have been giving lots (LOTS) of people the same update so I thought it called for.

He is doing well! Cayde is nearly 6 lbs! Nice, right? His Oxygen needs are low although as far as we know he still needs a little pressure meaning his lungs don't stay open the way they are supposed to. (Ours apparently don't close all the way-when you exhale...thus a collapsed lung if they do.) His oxygen sits around 30%. Room air is 21%. He goes as low as 24-25%. The pressure is at 3.0 litres per minute. It started at 4.0 and they dropped it to 3.5 then to 3.0. This last drop, he did not seem to react to at all which is wonderful! That means his lungs are getting stronger and doing more of the work themselves.

We are letting him sit on these setting for a few days and the plan is to drop it another 1/2 liter on Tuesday and it will continue to drop routinely until he is off the vapotherm and on the regular nasal cannula.

He has to have no apnea spells for 6 days to be able to come home and he is not having any! YEAH!!!!! Apnea is when both the breathing and the heart rate drop significantly.

He also has to be able to eat all meals by mouth. So far he is doing one a day. He does great and we are just taking it slowly...just because. Based on results he does better when we take things at his pace. I am good with that.

We had a change of doctor last week. They change out every several weeks since it is a teaching hospital. I was a little nervous cause I LOVED the last dr. Seems I will love this one too. She asked what my goal was to get him home. I thought that was an interesting question but I do indeed have a goal. His due date. September 20. I told her I would be ok with a week or two after as well but around that time is really what I was looking at. She said that was totally possible. It depends on Cayde of course.

He is finally starting to look like a newborn. That is funny to me since he is two and a half months old!

Allori is just as excited as we are to bring him home and does little things to get ready for that! Allori can write all of her letters and is starting to write words. She is so ready for Kindergarten.

She is so funny to me. She is very "fair." For instance if I am brushing her hair and she has tangles I will tell her I am sorry for hurting her. "It's ok mom, it's not you, it's the brush." Hahahaha. She wrote our last name the other day and I told her that was a picture I would like to keep. (She draws so stinkin many I feel bad but I have to tell her we can't keep them all.) Anyway I was telling her that I was so proud of her and I wanted to keep it. She says that she didn't do it by herself, daddy helped her. (Wayne did help her but only by telling her the order of the letters.) LOL

Porter is two. lol. (By that for those of you who cannot read my mind-it means he throws lots of fits. which means he spends a lot of time in time out but then gets lots of hugs!) He has taken up his vendetta with George again. Not sure why but George is now bunking in mom and dads room.

Rules

2009-09-06T19:34:00.001-06:00

I am really not a fan of fake rules. Non rules. Lame rules. Rules for no reason rules. Whatever you want to call them. I don't like them. I think rules have their place and I even enjoy making a rule up on occasion. I have a hard time keeping my facial expressions in check when someone tells me a lame rule.

If the person has much of an intellect which at this point is of course questionable, they would for sure know by the look on my face that I think they are a total moron. I am really working on this. One really should not look at another one like he/she is a moron even when it is true. It's just not polite.

At the hospital they have these incredibly loud doors. I don't know how they can be so loud. Seriously as far as I can tell they do nothing but open and close. They have no special job like holding a seal like an airplane door does. That door has a very important job and if it wants to be loud, ok I can respect that. These doors do nothing but open. And close. But apparently they have a complex and would like to be paid attention to because they would scare the daylights out of a deaf 80 year old man.

I wouldn't be concerned with the sound the doors made except that there are itty bitties sleeping in the room the door opens up to. Why on earth would they put THAT door THERE? Again, please let me talk to whoever made THAT decision. Lamo.

Here's the weird part. There is a big sign saying only staff should enter that door. Hmmm. Why? Some of the nurses are door police and will tell parents not to use the doors. Only one has told me not to use it. I assume the rest of them realize it's a dumb rule and that it makes no sense. A pharmacist also told me not to use it. (I have only been told twice not to use it.) When she told me I asked her why not and she said smartly, "well cause that's what 'they' told me." Well by all means then. We must do what the ominous 'they' say to do!

If parents didn't use it, would this cut done on it's use? Not by a long shot. There are four babies in the room. So maybe a parent or two would use it in an hour but about 20 staff members go slamming in and out of it every hour making the poor babies jump. (Yes I have monitored it) What a lamo rule. If they are going to use it that often I just don't see how once or twice an hour more is really going to make any kind of difference but hey that's just my logic. And why would they have it? (The rule I mean.)

Parents please walk the long way around and use the quiet entrance. It's less convenient and more of a hassle. You probably just had surgery and are probably going through a tremendously stressful ordeal and to accommodate you we have built a breezeway that takes you an extra 5 minutes to get to your baby. Enjoy.

4 large men

2009-09-05T19:47:00.000-06:00

I have lots to be grateful for. I was especially grateful as I was in wal-mart today(where I avidly avoid these days for reasons of saving money and saving sanity) that I was not the man wrestling beneath 1000lbs of man power because he had tried to rip off a few bucks of things. A clear conscience and bruise free muscles, as well as the clear rap sheet seem much sweeter to me. (Seriously there were FOUR not very small, and I am being kind, men on top of one medium build very crazy out of control man. It was a little bit nutty.) But really, I was very glad i did not have 4 large men on top of me. Ouch!

I am also thankful that I have friends that I miss. I don't have a lot of time to be hanging out and doing cooking days and other fun things I would like to be doing but I am awfully thankful that I have friends that I love and who love me that I miss. How sad would life be if there were no one to miss?

I am thankful for preschool who has shown a shy little girl how to be a leader. On her second day of her second year it was like she was the old kid, the senior in the high school sort of thing. She was kicking a ball around with 4 boys and yelling out instructions to them. Ha! I loved it! I love her!

I am thankful for the hours I get to sit and hold/love/watch/touch/take care of my tiny little baby (who incidentally is growing at an incredibly fast rate! He is 5 lbs 3.5 oz now!)

I am thankful for a little boy who came into my life a year ago and gives me night-night kisses then when I leave the room throws George (his curious George monkey) on the floor every single night then gets sad and asks for George back. I love his beautiful smile.

I am thankful for a husband who loves me when I am sane and when I am wacky and when I am patient and when I am impatient (which is most of the time) and who NEVER yells at me, even when I probably deserve it, who rubs my achy back several times a week and is the most amazing dad. He is such a hard worker and so kind and good. I am thankful Heavenly Father gave him to me.

(I wrote this a week or two ago and thought I posted it....but I am still grateful these things! And that ugly cpap on Cayde's face....gone! now he is on the vapotherm which looks just like the nasal cannula but moistens and heats the air making it nice and fresh for his lungs. We have misplaced the camera cord so hopefully more pictures soon....? )

George

2009-08-30T09:21:00.003-06:00

For Christmas this last year, we got Porter a Curious George Monkey (which I briefly wrote about) and my sister sent one to Allori. It was perfect. We could not have planned it better. And they are the cutest monkeys. Porter sleeps with his each night but goes through the nightly ritual of throwing him on the ground in anger, missing George then suckering me into picking him up and tucking him back into bed with Port.

Well Mom is tired of it. I am rather surprised that I let it go on this long really. (I am a rather strict parent if you hadn't picked up that, or if you don't know me well enough to know that.) So last night, I picked George up from his just-been-heaved-state, and put him on my shoulder and patted him to comfort him. This was of course a show for Porter to let him know it was not nice. For Heaven's sake! Porter's George has a crooked eye from being heaved so many times! I then explained it was not nice and he had hurt George's feeling's and George would be sleeping with mama tonight and we left.

Had we had earplugs in the house we may have used them, He was not happy with the new plan and had no reservations in letting us know. It took him a long time to go to sleep and I went in several times to re-explain why he did not get to have his George and hoped that my the next night he and Goerge could be reunited.

George was propped on a table in the living room while Wayne and I watched a movie last night and stayed there all night, happy I am sure to not be thrown needlessly against any heavy stationary objects. This morning after my bath I noticed George was gone. I asked Wayne and he had not moved George, so then I asked Port. He looked guilty so I told him to go get George. He went to his room and returned with George on his shoulder (like one would carry a baby) patting him softly and whispering sh...sh....sh....

Lesson learned. Lets hope it's remembered.

Freedom

2009-08-27T08:32:00.000-06:00

On our street on the 4th of July every year, everyone lines up there camp chairs along the street and we all do our fireworks together. It's really a nice arrangement and makes for a much bigger show. This is the first time I got the kids matching shirts. I thought they looked super cute.

I love to celebrate our country. I think we are so blessed to live here and to have the rights and freedoms that we have. I love the people who serve our country and provide those freedoms.
I am so greatful for our military and all that they do and have done for us. (I know this isn't a very timely post, but important none the less. Everyone complains because of the lack of pictures on my blog so I am trying here people ok!)

Wayne

2009-08-26T21:13:00.001-06:00

Can I tell you what an amazing man I married? Too often I am too quick to complain about the little things, but boy when the big things come around, I would always choose him to be on my team. When we were in the hospital...oh I mean when I was in the hospital...it seems like it was a we cause the man never even thought of leaving me. (And I was there a full week!) A couple of times I asked him to go take care of arrangements for the kids but other than that he did not leave to eat, to sleep, to do anything....he was there for me 110%. It was so comforting knowing we were in this together. He never once complained and every moment made me feel like I was his number one priority. Even when the baby came, he made sure I was always taken care of. I don't know if I can explain to you or to him how comforting and wonderful this was for me. It was a scary time for both of us. But it was incredible to be a team and to have one another to lean on.

One morning he got in the shower and a few minutes later three nurses rushed my room. They scared me! One of them quickly asked if I was alright. I looked down at the call button/light and saw it was lit, I did not hit it so I was a little confused and said that yes, I was fine. I was trying to gauge the situation. I wasn't quite sure what was going on.

"Are you sure?"

"um, yeah."

"Is there anyone in the bathroom?"

"Um, yes my husband is in the shower." (Still VERY confused and nervous that we would get in trouble for him using the shower. We used the don't ask and hope for the best policy.)

She runs to the bathroom and turns the doorknob but does not open it, it was happening much too fast for me to process-you know with the pain meds and all. She let go of the handle but she grabbed it again and again let it go. Her face showed she was in tremendous turmoil. It was taking everything she had to NOT open that door. She asked through the door if he was ok and explained to him that he must have pulled the emergency string. Hahahaha. Still she is trying to turn the handle, it was very difficult for her not to go in. I teased Wayne that he was looking for some excitement...he almost got some too. (He would have been soooo embarrassed. Can you imagine a nurse walking in on a naked shy Wayne? Hahahah!)

Wayne

2009-07-08T21:42:00.005-06:00

Beachy

2009-08-26T21:09:00.002-06:00

Doesn't this house look beachy and lovely? Not perfect and I am sure the bedrooms are itty bitty but it looks lovely to me.

Swim time

2009-08-10T23:13:00.004-06:00

Check out my cute swimmers. We didn't swim this summer nearly as much as we normally do but we got in the water a few times.

Today

2009-08-20T17:08:00.003-06:00

Today as I was holding Cayde as I do each day he was doing some rhythmic shaking that reminded me of when he was having some seizures about 6 weeks ago. It made me nervous. He was sleeping and I kind of jostled him a little and tried not to think much about it...until......we got his EEG results this afternoon saying he is indeed still having some seizure activity in his brain. I don't know why this is so hard for me after all that has happened, but I feel like this is breaking my heart... again...Today we made some good strides on getting his vent weaned then realize he is having seizures. My heart is aching. I hurt and honestly I am mad. MAD! (Breathe....1...2...3..4...5...6...7...It's not working!) LOL

Sigh.

We (Terah and I) did have a REALLY nice visit with Cayde today though. He is growing into such a big boy! We bathed him and dressed him in a super cute outfit and set him on my lap and he was just chillin with his eyes open for a while and just hanging out. It was lovely and fun and relaxing and good. (see facebook pictures soon)

Terah has been here for a week and she goes home tomorrow. I tried to tell her she will be missing her flight (same as I told Tawni when Tawni had to go home) and there won't be any more for at least another week. I am very blessed to have sisters that I am very close with, that I love and who love me. I love that my kids are close to their aunties. I think it's sad not everyone gets to have this experience of having sisters who are fabulous and fun and supportive and wonderful. But I am lucky to have them.

Please keep praying for my Cayde.

Cool

2009-08-11T13:03:00.003-06:00

On Saturday our neighbors were having a sweet sixteen and combined fifteen year birthday for their daughter. They are Hispanic and there is a very cool sounding phrase for this party and I can say it-I learned how, but cannot figure out how to spell it. It just translates to "fifteen year" I think but sounds very cool. Anyway, It had been a long day and I didn't have a gift for her and it looked more and more like I wouldn't be attending. But another neighbor called and was there and wanted me to come over for a bit so I decided to swing by. I had already gotten into comfy clothes so I quickly put my clothes from the day back on and headed over.

I was hugely under dressed to begin with, but really felt that just making it over for a few minutes was all I could do in that moment. As it turns out half of the guests were jsut as under dressed so...

As i arrived at the party house, I tried to store my cell phone in my shirt pocket. I try to always have it with me because that's the first number the NICU calls when they need me regarding my little Cayde. Oddly my two pocketed shirt was pocket less. Huh. It took me a minute of perplexion to realize my shirt was indeed inside out. LOL.

Your mind works quickly in situations like this. Do I go home and fix it? Do I find a dark corner of the yard and quickly turn it right side in? Do I care? In that moment I decided it wasn't worth the effort, so into the party I went with my inside out shirt. I don't know how many people noticed. I told several people. I am good with being the butt of the joke on occasion. We all laughed. One neighbor girl (teenager) noticed and was horrified. I laughed.

The whole thing was interesting to me, because if asked I would say my normal reaction would be what the teens response was. Horror~! To be seen or embarrassed by something like this would be the horror of horrors. I found it quite interesting that it didn't seem to bother me in that moment. Perhaps there are bigger things on my plate to worry about something like that? Perhaps a disregard for the prideful nature I have often times found myself in is setting in. Perhaps I just wanted to enjoy a bit of humor at a time I so desperately need it.

I was going to say that - You know you aren't cool anymore when you show up to a party with your shirt inside out.

But after putting this story into words I am thinking - I think it's pretty cool when people can laugh at themselves and avoid some of the stresses that can come with worrying about being embarrassed. Very few times in my life have I found myself in this camp. I generally sit in the worry about being embarrassed camp. This one was much more pleasant. I hope to revisit it a bit more frequently. That camp is more fun.

A Piece of Heaven

2009-08-10T22:53:00.002-06:00

Me holding my tiny babies hand. I love to hold his hand. they are like magnets. sometimes I sill have my hand close to hima nd without even opening his eyes he will find my finger to hold. I cannot wait til Cayde is home with me. I want to hold him forever...well maybe not forever but for a good long time.

he is up to nearly 4 lbs. I want Michelle to come take beautiful pics of him but its hard with all the tubes and wires connected to him but he is going to be huge by the time he gets home! He already looks gargantuan in comparison.

Allori's phone book

2009-08-04T20:09:00.003-06:00

A couple of days ago I noticed two pieces of paper on the computer desk. Both approximately the size of business cards, but noticeably cut by a child. ONe of them said "mom" and had my cell number on it. The other said "dad" and had his cell phone on it. I asked Wayne about them. She said Allori said she would like to have our phone numbers so she could call us when she needed to. Ok.hoguht that was reasonable. She often times talks to Wayne when he is at work or something, having been gone from home a long time. She doesn't talk to me much on the phone cause we are generally together. However, now that I have a baby in the hospital and I feel well enough to spend good quantities of time there, she has decided she misses me sometimes.

On Sunday she called me to ask why I had been gone so long. It made my day. Wayne told me she dialed my number alone, with him not even in the room that day.

The next day a new paper was on the computer desk. One larger sheet with both of our numbers on it. I guess she decided it was better to have them together.

This morning she decided she needed "grandma's number on there and aunties' numbers and other grandma and uncles'." Ok, So we started with a fresh sheet and I listed them all on there for her. The moment we were done she grabbed the phone and called Lori grandma, then she needed to talk to uncles so I suggested she call Auntie Tawni and ask for them. She dialed and went tot he kitchen to talk. When she returned only a few minutes later I asked if she talked to uncles. Exasperated she said, "No! She was too fast!" I guess she got off the phone too quickly and before Allori had completed her how are you's and did not get to ask for them. She wasn't so happy with that. LOL. She later asked for her cousin Lydia's to be put on the list (her best bud) and her new friends Hannah and Bethany.

She is 4. The calling starts already? So cute though. I love her!

(I have always had her talk on the phone to her grandma and aunties, etc. since we all live so far so the family ones name sense for sure. I guess she figured it's a good way to communicate. I found her "texting" on her play phone one day. too funny!)

Support and Bras

2009-07-27T22:12:00.002-06:00

There are all kinds of support.

Boob support. Who is not a fan of this? This is the ONLY positive part of bras really. Ok, and that they don't knock ya out if you happen to have to run a step or two. But that's it. Those are the only two positive things. Men like it because it is easy on the eyes although we want to pretend no one is looking and women like it for self esteem due to the above mentioned reason. It's a cycle.

Customer Service Support. This comes in many forms, generally non english speaking as of late. This makes everyone happy. I am all for multi-lingual, would just prefer to understand the words being spoken to me. Picky...I know.

Support may also come in the forms of corroborating, sustaining and advocating to name a few.

But now I would like to talk about the kinds of support we have received in this difficult time. We have seen support in the form of food, prepared carefully to nourish our weary bodies. We have seen support in the form of kind words and endless prayers. We have seen support in phone calls and sometimes in the lack of phone calls, when people know we are too tired and too sad to give updates. We have seen support in keeping others updated for us, in taking our calls for us and sometimes returning them. We have seen support in chores done and children fed and lovingly put to bed in the first weeks when we were unavailable for those things. We have seen support when we have called in needs and have had them met nearly immediately. We have had tiny clothes and other gifts arrive in the mail with loving notes. We have felt support when we are spiritually uplifted and assured that our beautiful baby will make it out of this in a miraculous way.

I would never...could never have imagined the system of support that would pop up in our moment of need. Albuquerque has not felt like home to me in any way except in the people we have known. Still, I would never have expected or even thought we would be cared for so carefully and so lovingly. I cry as I type this because this touches my heart in a way I cannot express.

Thank you for being God's angels on earth. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and kindness. Thank you for making Cayde's difficult entry into this world a little easier and lot more loving. I have again been assured that Heavenly Father loves us and is thoughtful of our every need.

Cayde 9

2009-07-16T19:15:00.001-06:00

Cayde was doing fantastically well. I suppose I was waiting for a big list of things wrong...but that never came. He was little and his lungs were not developed of course, but that's it...he was otherwise perfect and healthy. How is that possible? I kept asking myself and thanking God altogether.

On my way from recovery to my room in OB Special Care, my sweet nurse arranged to take me into the NICU briefly to see my little son. They rolled my bed right up to his...my emotions were all over the place. I asked in a very desperate voice if I could touch him. "Of course."

He was soo beautiful! I remember thinking that about Allori too. Each baby seemed so perfect, so tiny....Allori seemed tiny in all of her 6 lbs 11 oz. Cayde put a new meaning on tiny.

I was only able to be in there, near him for a couple of minutes. Everyone of them was perfect.