These Days...

voicemail

2011-09-05T19:56:00.005-06:00

I hate my cell phone. Or I hate cell phone problems. Maybe both. A few months ago my phone stopped taking a charge. It was the first phone I bought "new" in probably 6 years. It was a year old or so, ancient in cell phone years. They go faster than Dog years. I usually just wait for a hand me down from my sisters' or someone. I spent a long time searching on E bay for a phone that would work for my plan, was NOT a smart phone because I don't/won't pay for data on my phone and was inexpensive cause I am cheap like that. I polled friends (well...April) to see if she thought it was a good one and finally decided to purchase my new-used phone.

I liked it! Bright red! Easy to work-I learned my way around it pretty easily. It was the first phone I have had that had a full keyboard. It took me a bit to get used to it but I was really pleased with my new-used phone!

Cayde really liked it too! One day he pretended it was a boat and set it out to sea in the toilet. (For the love of all things HOLY!!!!!) It was about a month old. (Several cell-phone-years old!) *Sigh*

So I went back to square one, searching ebay and sorting though the lame dealers who post tons of phones on ebay from a store to get you to sign up for a contract. We already have a contract! So I found another phone. I hate it. I have had it a couple of months now. It's a smart phone. (Or a really stupid phone.) Everyone else who looks at it agrees. I got a lot of 'Oh just let me look at it's" at first which turned to furrow brow looks and the smart/dumb phone was quickly returned to me.

I am really not the picky about phones. I am always happy with whatever hand me down phone I get. lol. This one has all sorts of weird/quirky/lame (choose your own adventure) features. So....I don't like it. (I also don't like that my mother leaves me mass quantities of voice mails.)

Tonight I was talking to my sister Terah:

Terah: Is something wrong with your phone?

Me: Ummm....my voice mail is full.....? So, yeah if you consider that as something wrong, there is.

Terah: Yeah, you're gonna need to fix that.

Me: Oh, yeah I don't plan to listen to them.

Terah: What? *laughing*

Me: Just text me.

Terah: Well I did just upgrade to unlimited texts.

Me: Excellent!! Problem solved!

Then at her house tonight:

Me: Can I use your phone to call Wayne? (I called and he did not pick up)

Terah: Call Jacob...see if he answers. he didn't answer me earlier when I called him after I called you.

Me: hmm. All of our phones were dead. Oh. Wait. Didn't I talk to you?

Terah: Yeah. you called me back...which is a rare occurrence.

Snarky I tell you! LOL

Anyway, I guess I am rebelling against the man....er...the cell phone.

Also, Cayde is so lucky he is a beautiful child. Cause boy is he a trouble maker!

Childrens

2011-03-11T08:54:00.004-07:00

Porter just hopped down from the table where he and Cayde have been enjoying their well prepared snack of fruit cocktail and pronounces quite calmly, "I do not like childrens."

My eyebrows raised just a touch. I couldn't help it. "You don't like children?"

Porter clarified,"Well I don't like one children."

I tried really hard not to chuckle! "What one children do you not like?"

Stabbing his finger repeatedly in Cayde's direction, "I do not like the children, Cayde."

"Oh you don't?"

"He throws things."

He then pronounced he was no longer his friend. We chatted about how of course they were still friends and I was pretty sure he sill liked and loved him. But boy...I can relate.

I don't like childrens (hehe) who make messes.

Days of Daycare.

2011-02-23T11:57:00.002-07:00

This lady just walked up and looked right into our big living room window. We made eye contact and she got freaked out. The town home next to us is empty and i figured she was looking, or trying to look at IT.

I chuckled a bit and went out to talk to her and her friend. I invited them in to see the layout. They saw our MASSIVE pile of girls scout cookies and asked to buy some. Yeah!

Porter was down stairs with me and I called Allori down to sell her cookies. She is home sick...again....poor girl. The nice ladies asked if I ran a daycare. Boy does it feel like it! Hahaha. funny, right?

Scavenger Hunt

2011-01-19T22:52:00.002-07:00

On Wednesdays we are building a little tradition that I L-O-V-E, love! My lovely husband loads up the car with all three little kids and Jacob and heads to boyscouts. Wayne and the little kids play ball or walk around the church or some such activity while Jacob is in his scout meeting. Meanwhile, mom enjoys the quite of the house.

I relax. I listen to the quiet. I smile a lot. I rejuvenate.

Then my brood comes home and I give kisses, one of them (it was Porter tonight) crawls into bed with me and we cuddle and laugh at the crazy American Idol contestants, and tear up at the ones with a story who want it so badly.

The few perfect moments with Porter tonight will carry me through the hard days this week. He has these moments of perfect serenity. They are few and far between but each one is so precious. I know I was born to be his mother.

I asked Wayne to please go to Wal Mart while Jacob was in his meeting. If I only need an item or two, it really is better for Wayne to go. He (generally) will get the items I need and nothing more. Me? I go into the store for 4 items and load the basket half full. The printer is out of ink and I have some copies to make for girl scouts.

Also, Porter who at one time, not so long ago had a drawer full of undies (no exaggeration, he had over 30 pairs) now seems to struggle to find a pair each day. We do not let laundry pile up so they are not in teh dirty clothes. So odd! I know the sock gobbler gets the socks, but who the heck has thieved 25 pairs of undies? Hmm? Tell me that!

So after Wayne pronounces that he will go to Wal Mart for ONE item, I add undies to the list and socks in both boys' sizes. Four items. I contemplated adding two more items but thgouth 4 was really all I could expect. The man WAS taking all three hooligans into Wal Mart all by his lonesome.

He comes home with 2 items. A package of socks and a package of underwear. He shows me that the socks say 18 months to 3T so technically they should work for both boys. Hmm. OK. No printer ink. Darn it!

This was not a fun game to see if you could do it or a scavenger hunt, where you had the option to stop hunting. Seriously. I needed those things. Second, if the store did not have the item, you might call me and ask a question or two. I realize this violates the I-ask-nothing-cause-I-TARZAN-er-am-a-man rule that you have so committed your life to, and committed to it you ARE! but please...please....

However, the blissful quiet of the evening...somehow makes it all ok! (Thank you husband!)*

Porter immediately asks me to open the undies. It is bedtime so i ask why he would like the open.

"To play with them!"

Of course...I do not know why I even asked. lol

*Not that he will ever read that. But i did thank him in person also. lol

Smart Tart

2011-01-07T21:35:00.002-07:00

Today Allori and I went to the cookie kick off for girl scouts. i picked up two of the girls and the others met us there. Now, I am not really a "kid" person. But can I tell you, I just love these girls. They are smart and funny and every single one is cute as a button.

On our way there, Allori was explaining the three ways to spell too (to, two) to the other girls. They were playing a spelling game. So funny! They are five and six. Smart kids I tell ya.

People are being killed.

2010-12-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

So this story is super funny. Well it was to me. I am finally getting to, or taking the time to blog about it-you know since my sabbatical is over. LOL

Virginia Beach is a serious military town. We have an exuberant number of military families here. I would wage a guess that AT LEAST 50% of Virginia Beach families have an active duty member of the military in them. Isn't that amazing?

Anyway keep that in mind as I tell my story.

We walk into church a few months ago and sit down. This is an ordeal in itself with 3 children under six. We are getting ourselves settled and were saying hello to a lovely couple behind us when a girl of about 8 walks up to them with a little collection box and says, "I am collecting money for Afghanistan. People are being killed there."

Now, the four adults who heard, all paused-none of us spoke for a moment. the man in the couple behind us reached into his pocket for change and gave her some. She walked away. All of us still looking a little confused....until the wife behind us, who is so lovely and soft spoken says, "Yeah, honey...people in Afghanistan are DYING. If YOU GUYS would stop KILLING them she would not need to collect money for them."

It broke the ice, we all chuckled and made some silly jokes...

It seemed really out of place to have someone collect money for people being hurt in the war FROM people engaged in the war. It struck me as really ironic and a bit crazy honestly.

No one wishes them hurt of course and now that I have had more time to think about it, I am less stunned and can see more the good deed she was trying to accomplish.

Babies

2010-12-18T20:33:00.003-07:00

Mothering is an incredible and amazing job. It is an honor.

I have had the fortunate experience of mothering many children.

My sisters are twins and they were premature. One of them came home from the hospital after a week long stay. I can picture the 70's brown rough feeling couch that I was sitting on and I can see the layout of the room, where the small tv sat on a little table. I remember it was a bright sunshiney day when my parents placed that beautiful baby in my tiny four year old arms. As they placed this miniature baby, our new miracle, into my arms, they reminded me that my other sister would be coming home soon. I remember the gigantic smile that filled my face as I held that baby and looking at my parents and said, "One for you and one for me." I felt such a bond with my sisters right from the very beginning.

As life worked out for us, I was very much their caregiver right from the beginning. I still feel, 30 years later that they were my first babies. I feel so proud when they accomplish things and so protective of them. I ache for them when they hurt and I celebrate with them when they accomplish things, birth their babies, and the like much like a mother does.

I have not always been a perfect sister but I have always loved them with a perfect love.

Six years ago, I birthed my first child. That moment changed my everything, as becoming a mother changes every woman. I would forever be a mother from that moment. One can never explain to someone else just how it feels to birth a baby, to know that God created life through you, that your body is so very powerful.

When Allori was a year and a half or so, Wayne and I felt it was a good opportunity to start doing foster care. We had talked at length about it and timing was good. After many hours of training, heaps of paperwork and references from everyone we had ever known and background checks in every state we had ever lived in (I do not exaggerate) we welcomed our first two foster children into our home.

When foster children are delivered to your home, you are generally given very little information and no supplies. These sisters came in the middle of the night. Juliana, the older sister had on a too large pair of sweat pants. Nothing else. Jena had on a diaper and a too large-very filthy t-shirt. It was the middle of the night. They had just been scared out of their wits. Somehow they fell asleep in the police car and I carried them to bed. They woke up in a strangers home. No one told us they spoke Spanish, but not English. The first word that Juliana said to me was, "Bano." (Banyo) She said it several times over the course of a half hour or so. I finally called Wayne and asked what it meant. "TAKE HER TO THE BATHROOM!" LOL

They had a great father. Well. He became great. We knew they would be going home at some point. He worked very hard to learn to be a good father. He became a part of our family. But I tell you, when we packed them up and loaded their belongings into their father's truck, I wept like a baby. After a year, I was their mother. I was the only mother they remembered. The mother they loved. The mother who loved them. I wept. I was sad but I was grateful to have been their mother for a while. And I was grateful that they were going home to a safe place.

Twelve foster children later the knock at the door brought the cutest little curly haired boy ever! We fell in love with him. We never intended to adopt although we were open to it. That was not our goal in doing foster care. We wanted to provide a safe home to children while their parents learned to be better parents for them. We knew with this little boy's history that he very well may be adoptable at some point. He is now a part of my forever family.

Eighteen months ago I birthed my third child. This boy, who I "knew" was going to be a girl has surprised and delighted us (and driven us mad!) every step of the way. After he got home from his four month hospital stay I told him that he had given me my first silver hair and he had scared and worried me enough to last his whole life through and that I expected his toddler and teenage years to be a breeze - that I had already put in more than his share of worry and prayers and such. Fourteen months later I have discovered/remembered that our trials simply prepare us for what is to come. This little tyke will be providing many more silver hairs and promises to give me a run for my money/energy/patience, etc. etc. etc.

A few months ago my sister, Terah had her first baby. My sweet little Porter called Terah's belly by the babies name for months. He would gently hold her tummy and talk to "Madison." When Madi was born I was explaining to him that the baby had come out of her tummy and asked if he remembered when mama had a baby in her tummy?

"Yes."

"Who was in mama's tummy?"

"Porter!"

It was Cayde of course that I was referring to. I absolutely love that Porter thinkt he grew in my tummy. I am sure at some point we will have to address that but for now I love it. I have worried about making sure that he feels as loved as our other children, that he feel just as much a part of this family as every other member. Looks like we are doing ok so far.

I feel so very grateful to be a mother...to be Porter's mother and also to be a mother to these precious babies and to have had the opportunity to mother so many children. It is the most challenging job I have ever had. The pay is terrible but the benefits are to die for.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for all these babies you have blessed me with.

Sabbatical

2010-12-18T19:17:00.003-07:00

So I have been on Sabbatical for the past year. Blog Sabbatical, that is. What does that mean you say? Yeah, i don't really know. What I do know is i have not been blogging. I really don't have any reason. So, I'm climbin' back up on that pony baby!

Christmas was so nice. I was mostly done way ahead of time (other than the midnight wal mart trip the night before Christmas Eve) and thus got to enjoy it much more than normal. We put our tree up mid-November because we were celebrating Christmas and Thanksgiving with the fosters in November. I LOVED having it up so long. I may do that every year! We (Wayne and Allori) started taking it down tonight. That's like 6 weeks of Christmas lights. And everyone knows Christmas lights are mesmerizing and beautiful! Tomorrow night we will go see the lights at the beach and call it a season.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that we do not just celebrate Christ's birth on a day, but it involves a whole season. He deserves a whole season. More even. :) I love the Savior and am trying to be more like Him.

Merry Christmas everyone! Glad to be back from sabbatical. ;)

Water please.

2010-09-10T19:01:00.000-06:00

Porter, from bed: "MAMA!"

Mama: "YES?!"

Porter: "DADDY!"

Mama: "Porter, WHAT DO YOU NEED?!"

Porter: "I NEED WATER!"

Wayne: "What does he need?"

Mama: "Water."

Wayne gets water, goes tot he bottom of the stairs: "PORTER!"

Porter: "YES DADDY? WHAT DO YOU NEED?"

Obviously we ask that a lot. What 3 year old asks, what do you need?" Funny kid.

Popcorn

2010-09-09T18:54:00.002-06:00

Trisha: "Wayne, we make such beautiful babies! Look at that baby! He is so beautiful! And Allori...and Porter...seriously Wayne, I think it would be a disservice to the world to not have more babies."

Wayne: "Have you seen the popcorn on the floor?"

Huh.

Beautiful. Messy but beautiful!

Allori

2010-05-05T08:21:00.000-06:00

Every baby we see, even on tv, Allori asks, "Is that baby preemie? Cause that baby looks preemie." It's a little funny to me. Funny that she thinks about that with every baby she sees.

I hope there is never an occasion for us to see a baby so tiny as Cayde was again. It was just too scary. I don't think my heart could take it. But if we do, we certainly know some helpful hints.

I love this girl, this child I gave birth too who is smarter and wiser than her years. Little Allori is growing too fast!

Nighttime antics

2010-05-04T13:00:00.001-06:00

Cayde has been sleeping in his bassinet in our room all of this time. He has been in it much longer than Allori was. He is the same size at 10 months that she was (isn't that amazing?) but he does not sit up. He stretches out and fills it right up and won't be able to stay there much longer. He will roll right over and look up over the edge to see if anyone is around (pictured) and it is so cute! The bassinet is much to shallow for a sitter so the second he begins to pull himself into a sitting position, the bassinet will be taken down and packed away. So in anticipation of this Wayne set up his crib in Porter and Cayde's room. We put Porter to bed in his twin bed. This is what we found when we checked on him:

The quality is terrible but my camera died so all photos currently are via my phone. Anyway, we found him INSIDE of Cayde's crib, with his jammie pants inside out (they were on the right way when he went to bed) and all of his bedtime stuff was in there with him along with some extra goodies. (Duck pillow, blanket, tractor, books, teddy bear.) He must have thrown his belongings in, one by one, then climbed in. Such a nut!

Dude

2010-05-03T13:00:00.000-06:00

My sweet aunt Peggy says that babies are so cute and cuddly so we have wonderful memories and build up lots of love for them so we have that to hang on to when they are teenagers. Funny, right?

I wholeheartedly agree. We need this time, these memories especially when they are two.

This boy tests me!

I must tell you though, that I LOVE LOVE LOVE when it is his time to pray. He is super cute. We can have the toughest day and Porter will pray and it just cheers me right up.

He is still at the age where we need to help him with things to say. My favorits part is when he is praying for a meal and he says, "Please bless this food..." which comes out sounding like, "Please bless this dude...." Hahahaha. Every time it cracks me up! Every. Time.

The sweet times get us through the rough ones, don't they?

Angels and Caravans

2010-05-01T20:58:00.002-06:00

The other day I had the worst day ever. From the time we got up if it could go wrong, it sure seemed to. My pain level was quite high that day. In the evening I planned to go to a special Church activity. I nearly talked myself out of going. The day had just been to rough and I was having a hard time even walking (due to pain) and I just did not feel that I was up to it. On the other hand I knew some spiritual uplifting was almost a necessity and would do me really well. So I decided to suck it up and go. It was about a 30 minute drive so I gave myself an hour. I am still learning our new area. I was nearly half way there and driving along on the freeway when I suddenly found myself OFF the freeway. I had not exited and obviously must have missed some sign explaining how to stay on the freeway.

And of course there was not an easy way to get back on. I could only get back on going the way I had come from so I did that and thought I would find another exit to get off and reverse my direction. I choose an exit that also did not have an on ramp for the direction I needed to go. (So weird, this freeway! I called Wayne and asked him to find directions for me online and also stopped and asked a man who did not seem able to answer my question directly.

"Can you tell me how to get back to the 264 toward Suffolk please?"

"Where are you headed?"

"Suffolk."

"There all kinda ways to get there...." (He explained several of them.)

"My directions are from the 264 so I just need to get back on it going toward Suffolk."

"You could go a couple a ways really."

Ok. I speak English right? This was terribly reminiscent of half the conversations between Wayne and I. Please just answer the question I asked...OR tell me you don't know! Heavenly Father gave me no patience. None. This cannot be my fault! I have worked on it and worked on it and continue to work on it....

There are Character Qualities that I have mastered (at times) and Character Qualities I have worked on and been able to alter but some I cannot even touch no matter how much I am aware of it and how much I work on it. Patience is that way for me. It seems very much like my hair color. My hair color is brown. It is what is it. I can curl it, straighten it, keep it frizz free but brown it is! That's how I feel about patience. It truly seems to be a part of me, the lack of patience I mean.

On occasion I do have enough control to pretend. Although this is quite different than actually having patience. But if pretending to be patient is nicer than saying the impatient things that come into my head...well I guess that is something.

The nice man at the gas station directed me to the freeway, although as I pulled out I was still unsure if he was sending me to the freeway or another way to Suffolk. *laughing* Sure enough I reached the freeway.

Times a tickin here people! I knew now that I would be late. I detest being late.

When I was teaching I would drop someones grade if they were late too often or unnecessarily .

My day that was already in the toilet, continued down the pipes.

I thought of turning around and going home rather than walking in late, but again, I really felt I needed the uplifting activity for my emotional well being.

The event was lovely. I sat outside the chapel so that I would not disturb anyone with my tardy entrance. It was wonderful. We had the General Relief Society President from my Church came and spoke to us. There were a lot of woman there and the talk Julie Beck gave was exactly the spiritual upliftment I needed. I was so glad I went!

Because I was in a rush I had only written down directions to get there and hoped I could just follow them in reverse to get home. Do you see where this is going?

All of a sudden I think I have gone too far and passed my turn. But I had not looked at the speedometer so I really had no idea how far I had gone. (I always write how far to go on each road so I know what I am looking for and when. Yeah, hi OCD.) Again I called Wayne and asked for directions. He was having a hard time finding them for me cause I did not have an exact address to give him, just intersections. Finally I pulled over about 50 yards before a light. Some lame person pulled right up behind me rather than going around. So I turned my hazards on to alert them that I would be staying put for a bit.

That's when it happened....

It was very fast.

Across the street a large white truck had screeched to a halt on the side of the road. At the exact same time I heard screeching tires ahead of me and looked toward it. A maroon Grand Caravan had thrown it into reverse and sped backwards at an incredible speed then slammed on it's brakes two lanes over but parallel to me. (You will know for sure I lived in Albuquerque by how my mind thinks now.) My first thought-as I tried to process the white truck screeching and the grand caravan reversing so quickly-was that I could see a shoot out any second. I am sure my heart skipped a beat. (Hello Albuquerque!)

The caravan stopped right by me. I am pretty sure I missed another beat. Window rolls down and the passenger asks if I am ok. My heart started back up and I said, "No I am not. I am trying to get to Virginia Beach via the 264 and have lost my way!"

Driver: "I am going that way. Follow me and I will take you to the tunnel and onto the 264. We will exit before Virgina Beach, but my daughter (passenger) will roll downa window and wave ya on! You just keep on goin'!"

The white truck was apparently circumstantial but the timing was momentarily unnerving!

Just when I thought I couldn't take one more thing...I was sent an angel in a maroon grand caravan.

They did not have to back up, endangering themselves and their car to check on me but they did. They did not have to allow me to follow them and ensure I was safely on my way but they did.

I cried.

It was a kindness I needed. A kindness that I appreciated. It really was touching to me that they would take time to serve someone they did not know. And on that day it meant so very much to me.

Thank you Heavenly Father for my angel in the maroon caravan!

Signed, Sealed And Delivered...

2010-03-03T21:57:00.004-07:00

Well, that's not completely true. We did sign a rental agreement today to rent our house out. Yeah! Hoping for the best in that arena.

On Saturday we took Porter to be sealed to us. It was lovely. He was so sweet. He was calm and lovely, which is exactly the spirit of the temple. He looked debonair (see here) dressed in his white tuxedo and it was a lovely and peaceful time amidst the chaos of preparing to move! I am so thankful to have Porter and thankful he is my son.

We left Albuquerque this morning. I won't miss the dirt. (Not even a little.) I will miss my people. There were lots of goodbyes. Some quick ones just cause that is what time allowed. Some sad ones cause that's a pain God gives us when we feel love in a big way. Some non good byes cause some people couldn't be bothered (I think there are multiple reasons for this, but that's another post!) and some good byes there simply just was not not time for. *breathe*

There has not been much time for breathing lately....

We left Albuquerque at 2:30 and made it to Amarillo. (So not quite delivered yet, but on our way!!!) We hoped to make it farther but SURPRISE! Porter got the trots today....poor kid. I think he was mostly freaked out cause his newly potty trained body felt a little out of control. Got him some medicine and some chocolate milk and he was cuddly with me til he fell asleep.

Its been a week I tell ya. We have been so blessed. Good friends. Good Family. Quality people are hard to come by. And I feel that I have an abundance of them. Thank you...thank you for being one of my people....

I have lots to write and lots of thoughts to share but I need to sleep. The next days promise to be trying. lol...

Training

2010-02-25T22:47:00.003-07:00

I really should be no stranger to the land of overwhelm. I think it more irritates me than anything.

The other day Wayne and I had a conversation that went like this:

"Um...Wayne, I really have been training you for quite a number of years now...." pause

"Are you wondering when some of that is going to start paying off?"

"Kind of." LOL

*sigh*

The point is this. We can plan everything perfectly but people and situations still happen and we are only in control of ourselves...and honestly..I can't even really control my own self. (haha. I think I am funny!)

We have 4 days til we leave, 5 technically I suppose. The house is a disaster. The more we pack, the worse it gets. Somehow that doesn't seem quite right.

I am enormously grateful that Cayde is ok, but I was nearly knocked dumb when he was admitted to the hospital over the weekend. It was so reminiscent of his early days which ironically seem so long ago. They were so scary. He couldn't breathe well after he was put under anesthesia for a quick tongue clipping, a quick out patient procedure. But Cayde is obviously my son, and won't be doing things like other people..no, he will be taking a step out of the box thank you very much.

My thought process suddenly went from we "are" moving in a week in a half to we "are supposed" to move in a week in a half. We kept on with our plans but obviously he comes first and we did not know what was going to happen. Fortunately he opted to start breathing again and we are good. My heart can't take much more.

Oh! Speaking of hearts...Cayde has a little grouping of holes in his heart called an ASD. The Cardiologist said it should close on it's own between 18 months old and 3 years. he takes 2 meds to help with this. We went for a check-up and Wa-la! They are closed! so stop the meds and no more cardiologist visits. the Pulmonologist recently gave us the same clean bill of health. no more check ups with the Lung doctor which is amazing considering lungs are micro-preemies biggest issue! What a blessing!

(By the way-the reason he wasn't breathing well was because he was getting a cold and we did not know it...so that along with the anesthesia and his small lungs was just a bit much for him. a few days of oxygen helped him through it. Aged his mother, but helped him through! lol!)

Lollipop

2010-02-15T17:28:00.002-07:00

There is a commercial, I don't even know what it is for-oh wait I think it's Dell or something, but they play the song, "lollipop." Porter pronounces Allori's name, "lolli," so he was so happy to hear that someone made a commercial just for his sister! It brightens our day each time we hear it!

Holy Stump II

2010-01-25T22:34:00.002-07:00

Forgot to mention that they kept joking, as the giant hole was filling up about the new "swimming pool." Porter is 2 and is learning about humor but....he is two. He was getting pretty excited. Big hole...water. This was looking better and better by the minute!

I asked Wayne to stop joking about it after a while. It seemed like a cruel joke to poor Porter who did not understand that it was a terrible tragedy in our yard, not an enjoyable summer activity. LOL.

I hope the fix comes fast. No water in our house is not that fun. Luckily I am somewhat obedient and I do have some water stored. Not enough for baths but enough for other things. :) I will be showering at the neighbors in the morning.

Holy Stump.

2010-01-25T20:28:00.004-07:00

(The pictures are terible but both ight I waited until nearly dark to take pictures, not sure why.)

We are trying to work on a few home improvements. Some by necessity and some things we want to make a little nicer on our close to nothing budget. Since we have moved into this house 4 years ago we have had to call Roto Rooter out at least once a year and more recently twice a year so the gigantic cottonwood tree in the front yard that provides half the neighborhood with shade in the summer, sadly...had to go. My strong as an ox brother in law, Craig has been down here working for a few months and he generally helps us with some bigger projects while he is here. Kind of as a thanks for letting me stay with ya deal.

In the past couple of weeks the tree came down. I thought this was the big part. He even cut the wood into manageable size pieces and a neighbor came and asked for the wood so that was helpful to both of us as we needed the wood gone and he uses wood as heat. Excellent. The pieces that were too large for him went to another friend and about 3 truckloads of branches were taken to Soilutions.

I wrongly thought this project was nearly over. I was so wrong. So very very wrong. lol

The stump was left. Now do not get me wrong, I knew this was a big job but I NEVER dreamed just how big both literally and figuratively it would be. Neither did Wayne or Craig.

A few days ago their other brother had a small backhoe for another project so the three of them brought it over and worked for about 4 hours digging both by shovel and with the backhoe. it looked to me like we had a HUGE mote in our yard. I did not understand where this project was going. (I don't do so well with lack of understanding.) Each time I asked Wayne what they were doing he said they were getting the stump out.

Yes, thank you dear. *sigh.*

They dug down about 4 feet and I would say the stump is 4 feet in diameter. They did this after work one day so they id not finish til 9 or 9:30.

At this point I think the guys thought they would wrap a chain around it and hook it up to a truck and pull it out and be done with it. The stump was not interested in this plan. Not the least bit interested. Another day and hours more digging ensued. That's when I asked for help on facebook. (Sorry Roy. lol)

And then there were three. Now at least they could see they were making marked progress.

A lovely neighbor visitor came over and said he had a tractor and could get the stump out for us for $100. At this point they had so much blood sweat (and they probably wanted to cry) invested that there was no way Wayne was paying someone $100 to do it. Nice but notice they did not offer to lend a hand. With a little more muscle power this thing could have been out of there in a few minutes. (So he and his cousin leaned on there car and watched the guys work. it was pretty neighborly. I hope we are not so insensitive and un-helpful to others.)

The stump was totally broken free at this point but we (and I use the term we very loosely. lol) could not seem to get it up over the ledge. Remember this hole is deep and round and big. It is probably 15 feet across and steep, 4 feet deep or so. That stinkin stump would come right up to the top but not over the ledge. One of the pulls almost got it...the one that broke it free....was very exciting!..until...we realized it broke a water main.

That giant hole was quickly filling up with water. I quickly got on the phone to the city where I sat. on. hold. I also went to get another neighbor who is very helpful but has heart problems so can't do a lot of the actual labor.

So then there were four.

Wayne got the water shut off before I got through to the city.

Roy (who is a thinker and was trying to think of how to make it easier) suggested that we get some guys and start on it again tomorrow. More people, less work all around of course. Sounds great to me. My poor husband is exhausted! He headed home and they gave it a couple more tries and low and behold it rolled out! The size of this thing is amazing!

So now we just need to dig in this giant hole to find the broken pipe, figure out how to fix it....fix it....dispose of the enormous stump and get back to our to do list. This was supposed to just be one small thing on the list.

Um...so like i was saying...we need some help with some yard work. lol.

I don't know who this is.

2010-01-25T20:13:00.004-07:00

A conversation Wayne and I just had:

The phone rings and Wayne reads the caller ID out loud and then answers it. Confusion shows across his face and he mouths to me, "I don't know who this is."

I whisper back somewhat humored because my husband does not realize he has early onset Alzheimer's, "That's your cousin." ( I say he does not realize because I have a memory issue at times but I am quite aware of this.)

At the end of the call he told me why his cousin called. I had noticed he mentioned the baby and told Wayne his mom must have mentioned the baby because I sent her an announcement. "Who is his mom?"

Seriously?

This is HIS family people. I can't make this stuff up.

I tell him the name of said cousin's mom.

"Why is his last name x if his mom's last name is y?"

Again. This is HIS family.

I wage a guess that this is a second marriage for her?

LOL. Seriously I can't make this stuff up.

Christmas torture and loveliness

2010-01-04T16:34:00.000-07:00

Trying out her new pogo stick.

Christmas was incredibly lovely. It was easy and fun and low key and non-stressful. And somehow our "small" Christmas felt wonderful and perfect and blessed and so so lovely. Wayne reminded me that we took a picture of Allori in her stocking her first Christmas. She was born in November and weighed 6 lbs so she was probably 7 or 8 lbs by Christmas. She barely fit in but it was super cute and as we generally torture all children equally we had to give it a try. Now this was a bi of a challenge. Cayde was just over 6 months old at Christmas and although he started out itty bitty has grow a bit. He is 11 lbs now! I literally shook him down into his stocking (pillow case style.) LOL. Lucky for him I am sure he won't remember.

Cute, right?

This boy...

2010-01-03T15:15:00.007-07:00

Bath time Mohawk. (I think it's HILARIOUS when people take naked pictures and toss the washcloth over the boy or girl parts. hmm...wonder what's under there?! I prefer to do it this way...simply crop it out if you don't want it showing. Less ridiculous looking. Just my less than humble opinion. This can also be done by lowering your camera so a leg or whatever is covering the body parts. The washcloth thing just looks silly people.)

The sleeper.

I was in the kitchen and came back into the living room to find him feeding Cayde.

Like his smile? We were trying to get pictures of each of the kids with the leaf background for the blocks we were making for Christmas. we took maybe 20 pics of Port. We came up with one or two...ok....ones. Such a nut. Cute anyway though, no? (This was not one of the best but i love his silly expression--so porter!!!)

I do not remember taking a picture of him in a shopping cart so not sure how we ended with this, but alas here it is. My brown eyed boy!!!!!

Holding his sisters hand. We are a hand holding family. I love when the kids start doing it on their own. So sweet to show love to one another.

During the summer the kids often chose to sleep without jammies on. With a swamp cooler and no central air, I easily allow this. Taya (dog) sleeps with porter. i thought this was funny and took a picture because Porter was put to bed on his duck pillow but made it all the way to the other side of the bed, taking Taya's spot...but not to worry-Taya is happy to accommodate and take the pillow. (Lovely!) Porter looks awfully comfy, doesn't he?

Daddy's boy...from the zoo in the spring i think.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

This boy was hand delivered to our home 18 months ago. Hand delivered. It sounds so simple but the labor I (we) have had with him was not 12 hours like it was with Allori, I did not carry him in my tummy for 9 months, or 6 months, as it was in Cayde's case. He was not delivered naturally or by c-section but hand delivered with a 17 month labor. We knew the very first week...we hoped that first week that he would be a part of our forever family. (We did not start foster care with the intent to adopt, but with the intent to provide a safe home for children who needed it temporarily.) It wasn't part of our plan. He is a daddy's boy. He is athletic and insanely cute! He is oppositional but makes everyone else follow the rules. (He once yelled at Oswald on tv because he was "throwing' food.) He is all boy with a touch of tender. He gets all sorts of mad at the drop of a hat but is quick to say sorry. He challenges me. He frustrates me. He pleases me. He brings me joy. He says, "Oh mom!" instead of "Ah man!" (This makes me smile every time, he says it very silly not with blame.) He is incredibly soft and loving to his new baby brother. He bugs the daylights out of his big sister.

He is funny and smart and stubborn and dramatic. He is Porter and he is my son.

We officially adopted him on November 21, 2009.

Thank you Heavenly Father for the gift that Porter is to our family...to me.

Oh help me!

2010-01-03T14:24:00.004-07:00

So in Sacrament meeting today a sweet family was sitting behind us. We are often times on a row near this family...both of our families routinely sit in the same part of the chapel each week. The meeting is nearly over when Skyler handed up a note.."Here, Allori." It was folded down to 1/8. I told her to say thank you to which she quickly quipped she already had. (Ok, but it's usually better it they hear you love. I didn't say that but i thought it.) She opened it up and there were two lovely people drawn with overlapping hands (holding?!?!?!?) and at the top it says, "I Lice you." (I like you)

First, Awesome job Skyler on your writing! And very sweet of you to give Allori such a sweet note and picture.

Second, please warn me next time you plan to give a picture to Allori--especially if there will be any liking or hand holding involved. You people are 5. Cute...but 5. My heart skipped a beat or two. I had to remind myself you were just 5. That Allori was just 5. These 5 years have gone by really quickly, i need the next few to not speed by quite so quickly-i just can't take it. I am sure you understand.

Third, Seth, you have some competition. (Seth is the cutest sweetest boy. He and Allori were born just weeks apart. We were in the same ward in California. Seth's mom and I joke that arranged marriage is completely underrated. :) ) Well, hate ta tell ya, but now there is another cute sweet boy.....just lettin ya know. he he.

Lastly, is that not the cutest thing you have ever seen?

Guns

2009-12-31T08:34:00.003-07:00

So I realize I have not posted in a LONG time. It is not that nothing has happened. LOTS has happened, in fact, I have simply not had the time or mind power to put it paper (or screen).

But this one....is a must share. Yesterday Wayne and I were goofin around about something. He was teasing me like he does. Anyway at the appropriate time (and he is a Pehrson, so you can rest assured it was deserved. :) ) I very lightly-and I mean lightly jabbed him above his gut with my fist. Now I describe it that way rather than say punch because there was nothing behind it. NOT EVEN my elbow and certainly not any strength that I possibly could muster. Keep in mind Wayne is MUCH stronger than me. MUCH. Admittedly after having a baby, all of our arms, as mothers get stronger from carrying said baby and carrier. But honestly I was standing close enough to kiss him and I felt like I barely tapped him in the gut.

Next thing I know, he hits the wall-whole body style and then hits the floor. HITS THE FLOOR! WHAT?!?!? I look at him with this stunned look and ask what he devil he is doing cause surely he is joking. No, he is seriously in pain. But I hardly touched you?

Um. I really hurt him!

I don't know how.

Now I obviously have MORE wonder woman qualities than I once thought. Better watch those guns!

(I have broken out in spontaneous laughter several times since this very tragic event. Once Wayne figures out what I am laughing about he is les than pleased. Its been a rough week on me. I apologized to him multiple times...I also told him...Dude this is the only funny thing I have let me have this thing! I am sorry I hurt you I did not mean to, etc. etc., but now is it not funny? He did laugh when I told him this morning that if he did not listen to me that I would drop him to the floor. hehe. )

Someday and today.

2009-11-06T15:51:00.002-07:00

...the makeup will make it out of my make-up bag and onto my face.

...my hair will be short enough to be manageable again.

I seem to have lots of energy-which is fabulous (considering the fibromyalgia!) but there is only so much to go around. This week it is going to kids, house and and enrichment. (Mucho time on each.)

But not one day this week has my face been made up and my hair is too long to me managed which means its just frizzy and I throw it up in a clip.

But here is what I can tell you. I feel amazing. I am so thankful i have energy. I love that my children have a mom to take care of them and that my house is in ok order-well its getting there. lol. I am grateful for friends and for husbands (mostly mine) and this week Diet Cherry Dr Pepper rates really high on the list. :) And this week my pain level is low. I am so so grateful for that!

Cayde pics

2009-11-05T11:40:00.002-07:00

My sweet friend Michelle Cortez took some pics of Cayde and posted some on her blog. She is so fun! Thanks Michelle!

Peace Pipe

2009-11-01T22:14:00.003-07:00

I think people are funny. I mean FUNNY.

Today my neighbor who through the Quinceanera a few months ago for her daughter- yes the same one I walked into with my inside out shirt-yes knowing it was inside out. It happens people....

They are Mexican. They are Catholic. I think both of those things are fine and I think I have made clear through the years as we have sat out on her or Charlene or Patty's or my front porch talking late into the summer nights. We are all very good friends. They are the kind of neighbor's one wants to have. The kind you can depend on, the kind you want to pack up and take with you when you move.

Tonight said neighbor knocked on my door with a gift for the baby and a prayer rug that had a little thing in English (not her first or best language) explaining you should write a small note asking for any blessing you need and you will be prayed for. Ok.

I took it from her. She was very nervous I could tell. She kept glancing at our picture of Christ on the wall. She kept asking if it was ok and saying she wanted to come sooner and telling me I did not have to do it. (Shouldn't this have been a peace pipe of sorts?) Her Jesus, My Jesus, they are the same man, no?

Thus she WAS nervous and I knew it must have taken her great courage to come. I did not write the note FOR her, but I did write the note. Look...I ain't turnin away any prayers. If you have one and you are willin to send it our way, I will take it.

Anyway I wrote her a note, she had someone else's note and made it very clear she was not only not reading it but not looking at it even. It was to be folded back up into the rug. (This did not concern me, but I thought i very sweet a gesture.)

Our other neighbor Charlene had told/asked her to light candles for Cayde. I appreciated that. Each and every one. I do not feel religion should be a stumbling block between us but a commonality, a way if no other that we can grasp hands and say...bless you....you are loved by someone higher and bigger and more powerful than me.

Firecracker

2009-10-21T12:58:00.002-06:00

Allori is so amazing in so many ways. First, she is fast becoming bi-lingual. I think she is the only gringa in her pre-school class. I love that she is learning Spanish! The other day I might have gotten a little upset because I hadn't heard her say please in English in months in seemed like. I don't know why it bothered me but it did ok? I place the blame squarely on hormones where it belongs!

She decided she was ready to ride her bike yesterday without training wheels so daddy and uncle Craig took them off for her. (pics are terrible but it was dusk and our digital is what it is ok?)

She only worked on it for about 10 or 15 minutes and we had no need for any runs to urgent care so that's not bad. She did yell directives at her dad the whole time. I do ask her to not yell and boss her dad and I try not to do that. I am bossy by nature as is my mother and her mother before her and my great grandmother before her. I am guessing the trend did not start there but you know...just a guess.

People it's in our genes. We know how to get things done. We can't help it.

It amazes me how bossy she is. I try to correct her and teach her to reign it in a bit. Whew! She is a fire cracker! How can she be so bossy and then be so shy in the next moment?

She has been doing this amazing art lately. I need to get a photo of some of it. She is taking pieces of nature and creating art, gluing it to paper and adding colors and making beautiful creative art. I LOVE it!Love it. Love her....My beautiful creative feisty firecracker. I am so glad I have her forever. I could stare at her beautiful person just that long.

To shave or not to shave

2009-10-20T23:04:00.001-06:00

I have a hypothetical story for you. Michelle and I used to tell lots of hypothetical stories in high school. LOTS. Approximately two of them were ever truly hypothetical. One of those was a fictional story she made up about me and a cab driver for a journalism assignment and I am throwing in another one to be safe although I cannot remember any others. General there was a reason for the story to be hypothetical.

The fiance has shaved every day since puberty or so the woman is told. She has never seen her fiance unshaven. On their wedding day however, her betrothed meets her in an unshaven manner
"What is this? You have not shaved on our wedding day?"
His eyes are as big as headlights for he has overlooked this chore on this very important day.
"Fix this!"
She really thinks it is quite sweet that he is so nervous....
Life gets busy and shaving gets less and less. His stubble gets soft on day 7 so he shaves it on day 6 just to torture her, certainly. lol.
One Christmas the wife buys her husband an electric razor. He explains that it does not give a very clean shave. He is not disrespectful or unkind just informative with this information. She expects to see the razor in the trash. But the worthless razor lives on to the wife's dismay. Hypothetically the husband has decided it is a good idea to spend 20 minutes doing a pre-shave then his normal 10 minutes shaving. Are you serious?

I do not know why he is testing me.

This morning as I was about to die from stress I started to laugh. LAUGH! Allori came and asked why I was laughing...I was crying so hard because I could not stop laughing. Finally my husband comes in after his THIRTY minute shave to ask why I was laughing I told him it was that or kill him dead. There was fist waiving and gut wrenching. I think the laughter and tears made them null and void. He was unclear what the issue was. A pre-shave? Seriously?

You understand...all of this is hypothetical....just wondering what you would do if you had a faulty appliance. ;)

Touched

2009-10-18T22:54:00.002-06:00

As an addendum to my melt down-

The most amazing people have been bringing us the most delicious dinners. I feel spoiled and supported and cared for and helped and thankful! Thank you!!!! I thank you, my family thanks you! (Everything has been so yum, can we have such good fortune?) :)

Boy this is a week of honesty, no?

We are sliding into a good routine. Moments hit me that seem too big but for the most part things are going smoothly...you know, if I don't have to cook or clean or go anywhere. Getting to church was HUGE! I was shaky and so nervous when we got there and I don't know why. I think I was nervous everyone was going to be sick and want to touch the babe. (Everyone including strangers were all touchy touchy when I had Allori-it was weird.) And of course I DO want to show Cayde off....it's just finding a balance. :)

People there is something to be said for being a little bit touched. ;) (I think I am so funny)

Love me, Love me not.

2009-10-18T22:53:00.000-06:00

(This was written yesterday and sat here until I just found it not posted. Such are the days of my life.)

Ok, so I think my 24 hour melt down is over..THANK GOODNESS. (Phew)

I think it was like a 24 hour flu bug. Do they have a shot for that? (Oh wait, I have Katie for that!!!! he he! Man she takes good care of me! I have no idea how I could have made it though this without her!)

We are getting into the swing of things. Don't be expecting any quick trips out for toilet paper or anything but spirits are back up (Again phew!) thanks for all the great continued support! This little guy is so cute. And Allori and Porter just love him. I left the room for not more than 30 seconds and Cayde was screaming bloody murder a day or two ago so I go running back in and Porter is force feeding him a dum-dum sucker. Thank you Porter for sharing. *sigh*

Allori is playing soccer. I use the word playing very loosely. lol. She is excited about it all day every day until we get to practice or a game at which point she does very little. This feels like deja vu of swim lessons and dance lessons although somehow she has fond memories of both and begs to go back and did actually learn things. At those two however, she did NOTHING! So I guess we are making progress. At Soccer a moment may hit her that she suddenly gets into it and does great for a second half of practice or 5 minutes of a game. Why oh why was she not blessed with a mother who has one iota of patience? Poor poor child.

Porter is still two. lol. Force feeding babies candy and screaming at me every chance he gets. Today he got mad at Wayne for taking him off the playground at the soccer game, we get into the car and he talks all sweety sweety to Wayne and is hitting and screaming at me. It looked like he remembered that he was mad, just simply not WHO he was mad at. I love my life. I did not say a word to him or even touch him(this time). We are seeing more and more behavior issues come out in him the older he gets. It makes me a little nervous. Not nervous to adopt him, just nervous for the energy it will take.

Once we had Jena and Juliana "diagnosed" we, or I should say I was doing weekly therapy sessions with each one, etc. etc. It takes much more one on one parenting when there are "issues." Plus it takes away time fromt he other children. This weighs heavily on my mind. At what cost is this to Allori? to Cayde? We are thinking that since Ports caretakers were mostly women that neglected him, even though he was little, he may me displacing that on me...? Plus I am the main disciplinarian (not by choice but by luck or lack of luck or because I feel I owe it to the kids or because thats how our personalities fall or some combination of the a fore mentioned) in our house. What's odd is Port thinks I am wonderful if Wayne is not around but if Wayne is there/here I am worse than dirty underwear in a dirty rain gutter. It's not the most pleasant feeling but we generally keep it in perspective. LOL

So here's what makes me nervous. We don't know if Cayde will be special needs but Porter looks more and more like he will be every day and right now Cayde certainly is. Can I be the mother to two special needs boys, both of whom I adore?

That's really a rhetorical question. There is no turning back now. (Right?) You simply cannot unlove someone once you love them. But you can feel fear. Luckily we have faith to lean on....

I love that song that says "believers have a little more faith than the world has doubt." (Joe Nichols)

Lots of times when I tell Porter I love him he yells at me. I think I can make lots (LOTS) of improvements in my parenting, but I think if Heavenly Father were talking to Porter in that moment when I have told him I loved him and he screams at me, He would answer him just like I do, "I do love you."

I think that's what he would say to each one of us when we feel like we don't deserve the love that is being offered....

I do love you!

Overage-overage...warning

2009-10-16T11:57:00.004-06:00

Some days don't quite go like you plan. That isn't good for us planners. (Right Jesse?) When one births a child under 2 lbs-that day just doesn't turn out like one plans. It's different. That one was miraculous. Since that day there have been lots-lots of days, almost 4 months worth....and the one I have been looking most forward to is the one where I could bring that little miracle home. It came on Tuesday. Tuesday was wonderful. The days since have not been.

They are not going as planned. I am completely overwhelmed. I am still completely in love with my beautiful Cayde but I am so overwhelmed.

I have slept about as much as I expected. :)

My son is beautiful.

My schedule is anything but what I would have thought. (I will go into this in a later post)

My family is larger than ever but Cayde and I are so alone. (That is not a depressive comment-that means no one knows how to do his stuff but me! Wayne is too busy to learn-maybe that's an excuse on both of our parts, I don't know. I feel confused about this.)

I am very very very overwhelmed.

We have already called 911 once. (Please please let that be the only time.)

Here was my big clue that I was not doing so well: My saint of a sister in law said she would do dinners til the ward kicked in to do them. We told her the ward was starting. I got a call last night at 5:45 saying she got busy and there would be no dinner. I thanked her politely and hung up the phone and promptly cried. I could deal, Cayde has milk but I needed to feed the rest of my family and what as I supposed to do at dinner time with no time to plan or do? (She was not trying to be mean I am certain-I am just tapped out on stress is all.) And it killed me that my sister in law totally had it taken care of! but we cancelled...

So when the news of lack of dinner caused tears I knew I was tapped. I think I have handled all of this quite well. Quite well. We have been incredibly blessed and I think I have kept that really in perspective, but last night and today-boy and I am just tapped. lol.

Porter's Rules

2009-09-15T20:00:00.002-06:00

This morning before school the kids had some extra time so I turned on Oswald for them. Porter got really upset after a few minutes and was yelling, "MAMA! MAMA!" And pointing at Oswald. So we started the what is Porter trying to tell me game and as I noticed Porters very upset/mad face and Oswald juggling some fruit, I wondered if he could be upset cause Oswald was throwing food...? (I had already exhausted several other possibilities!)

"Porter, is Oswald throwing food?"

"YESH!" (the h adds a bit of emphasis for him. lol. it's very cute.)

"Do you not want him to throw food?"

"NO!"

"Is that naughty to throw food?"

"YESH!"

Ah...we are upset cause Oswald is breaking the rules. His brow was creased...He was honestly upset. He did not see the difference of juggling and throwing food. He might just be a boy after his mamas heart after all!

Shower

2009-09-12T17:42:00.005-06:00

Last night Katie gave me the most amazing shower. Lots of others helped and brought the yummiest snacks! (Thank you!) And Everyone was soo generous! Cayde is a little spoiled guy already! I am going to link you to Katie's blog here. (I will leave it linked but I figured out how to thieve her pics - thanks Katie). LOL. I had such a great time and seriously everyone spoiled us! Thank you Thank you Thank you! Cayde has the handsomest clothes (TONS) and smell good lotions and shampoos (lots), a plethora of the softest, most lovely blankets. Diapers and Wipes! Cute plaques to put his hand and foot prints! And the sweetest handmade hooded bath towels. Can a boy be more loved and spoiled? I think not.

Katie has been the most amazing support for us from day one with Cayde and with everything. I don't know what we would have done without her. I love you Katie! Thank you everyone, last night and just in general for being so supportive through Cayde's trials. It is really fun to celebrate his successes!

I cannot wait for him to come to us! (That cake says "Come home Soon Cayde" and has the cutest little baby on it with his bum in the air. Isn't the best when they sleep with their bum in the air?)

Today on these Days....

2009-09-06T21:44:00.003-06:00

I don't do a lot of daily-here is what we did today updates because...well..that's not the sort of blogger that I am. But occasionally one must break her own rules and do a simple update just because.

The purpose of this very basic update is just to let you know how Cayde is doing and of his progress. I have found in the past few days I have been giving lots (LOTS) of people the same update so I thought it called for.

He is doing well! Cayde is nearly 6 lbs! Nice, right? His Oxygen needs are low although as far as we know he still needs a little pressure meaning his lungs don't stay open the way they are supposed to. (Ours apparently don't close all the way-when you exhale...thus a collapsed lung if they do.) His oxygen sits around 30%. Room air is 21%. He goes as low as 24-25%. The pressure is at 3.0 litres per minute. It started at 4.0 and they dropped it to 3.5 then to 3.0. This last drop, he did not seem to react to at all which is wonderful! That means his lungs are getting stronger and doing more of the work themselves.

We are letting him sit on these setting for a few days and the plan is to drop it another 1/2 liter on Tuesday and it will continue to drop routinely until he is off the vapotherm and on the regular nasal cannula.

He has to have no apnea spells for 6 days to be able to come home and he is not having any! YEAH!!!!! Apnea is when both the breathing and the heart rate drop significantly.

He also has to be able to eat all meals by mouth. So far he is doing one a day. He does great and we are just taking it slowly...just because. Based on results he does better when we take things at his pace. I am good with that.

We had a change of doctor last week. They change out every several weeks since it is a teaching hospital. I was a little nervous cause I LOVED the last dr. Seems I will love this one too. She asked what my goal was to get him home. I thought that was an interesting question but I do indeed have a goal. His due date. September 20. I told her I would be ok with a week or two after as well but around that time is really what I was looking at. She said that was totally possible. It depends on Cayde of course.

He is finally starting to look like a newborn. That is funny to me since he is two and a half months old!

Allori is just as excited as we are to bring him home and does little things to get ready for that! Allori can write all of her letters and is starting to write words. She is so ready for Kindergarten.

She is so funny to me. She is very "fair." For instance if I am brushing her hair and she has tangles I will tell her I am sorry for hurting her. "It's ok mom, it's not you, it's the brush." Hahahaha. She wrote our last name the other day and I told her that was a picture I would like to keep. (She draws so stinkin many I feel bad but I have to tell her we can't keep them all.) Anyway I was telling her that I was so proud of her and I wanted to keep it. She says that she didn't do it by herself, daddy helped her. (Wayne did help her but only by telling her the order of the letters.) LOL

Porter is two. lol. (By that for those of you who cannot read my mind-it means he throws lots of fits. which means he spends a lot of time in time out but then gets lots of hugs!) He has taken up his vendetta with George again. Not sure why but George is now bunking in mom and dads room.

Rules

2009-09-06T19:34:00.001-06:00

I am really not a fan of fake rules. Non rules. Lame rules. Rules for no reason rules. Whatever you want to call them. I don't like them. I think rules have their place and I even enjoy making a rule up on occasion. I have a hard time keeping my facial expressions in check when someone tells me a lame rule.

If the person has much of an intellect which at this point is of course questionable, they would for sure know by the look on my face that I think they are a total moron. I am really working on this. One really should not look at another one like he/she is a moron even when it is true. It's just not polite.

At the hospital they have these incredibly loud doors. I don't know how they can be so loud. Seriously as far as I can tell they do nothing but open and close. They have no special job like holding a seal like an airplane door does. That door has a very important job and if it wants to be loud, ok I can respect that. These doors do nothing but open. And close. But apparently they have a complex and would like to be paid attention to because they would scare the daylights out of a deaf 80 year old man.

I wouldn't be concerned with the sound the doors made except that there are itty bitties sleeping in the room the door opens up to. Why on earth would they put THAT door THERE? Again, please let me talk to whoever made THAT decision. Lamo.

Here's the weird part. There is a big sign saying only staff should enter that door. Hmmm. Why? Some of the nurses are door police and will tell parents not to use the doors. Only one has told me not to use it. I assume the rest of them realize it's a dumb rule and that it makes no sense. A pharmacist also told me not to use it. (I have only been told twice not to use it.) When she told me I asked her why not and she said smartly, "well cause that's what 'they' told me." Well by all means then. We must do what the ominous 'they' say to do!

If parents didn't use it, would this cut done on it's use? Not by a long shot. There are four babies in the room. So maybe a parent or two would use it in an hour but about 20 staff members go slamming in and out of it every hour making the poor babies jump. (Yes I have monitored it) What a lamo rule. If they are going to use it that often I just don't see how once or twice an hour more is really going to make any kind of difference but hey that's just my logic. And why would they have it? (The rule I mean.)

Parents please walk the long way around and use the quiet entrance. It's less convenient and more of a hassle. You probably just had surgery and are probably going through a tremendously stressful ordeal and to accommodate you we have built a breezeway that takes you an extra 5 minutes to get to your baby. Enjoy.

4 large men

2009-09-05T19:47:00.000-06:00

I have lots to be grateful for. I was especially grateful as I was in wal-mart today(where I avidly avoid these days for reasons of saving money and saving sanity) that I was not the man wrestling beneath 1000lbs of man power because he had tried to rip off a few bucks of things. A clear conscience and bruise free muscles, as well as the clear rap sheet seem much sweeter to me. (Seriously there were FOUR not very small, and I am being kind, men on top of one medium build very crazy out of control man. It was a little bit nutty.) But really, I was very glad i did not have 4 large men on top of me. Ouch!

I am also thankful that I have friends that I miss. I don't have a lot of time to be hanging out and doing cooking days and other fun things I would like to be doing but I am awfully thankful that I have friends that I love and who love me that I miss. How sad would life be if there were no one to miss?

I am thankful for preschool who has shown a shy little girl how to be a leader. On her second day of her second year it was like she was the old kid, the senior in the high school sort of thing. She was kicking a ball around with 4 boys and yelling out instructions to them. Ha! I loved it! I love her!

I am thankful for the hours I get to sit and hold/love/watch/touch/take care of my tiny little baby (who incidentally is growing at an incredibly fast rate! He is 5 lbs 3.5 oz now!)

I am thankful for a little boy who came into my life a year ago and gives me night-night kisses then when I leave the room throws George (his curious George monkey) on the floor every single night then gets sad and asks for George back. I love his beautiful smile.

I am thankful for a husband who loves me when I am sane and when I am wacky and when I am patient and when I am impatient (which is most of the time) and who NEVER yells at me, even when I probably deserve it, who rubs my achy back several times a week and is the most amazing dad. He is such a hard worker and so kind and good. I am thankful Heavenly Father gave him to me.

(I wrote this a week or two ago and thought I posted it....but I am still grateful these things! And that ugly cpap on Cayde's face....gone! now he is on the vapotherm which looks just like the nasal cannula but moistens and heats the air making it nice and fresh for his lungs. We have misplaced the camera cord so hopefully more pictures soon....? )

George

2009-08-30T09:21:00.003-06:00

For Christmas this last year, we got Porter a Curious George Monkey (which I briefly wrote about) and my sister sent one to Allori. It was perfect. We could not have planned it better. And they are the cutest monkeys. Porter sleeps with his each night but goes through the nightly ritual of throwing him on the ground in anger, missing George then suckering me into picking him up and tucking him back into bed with Port.

Well Mom is tired of it. I am rather surprised that I let it go on this long really. (I am a rather strict parent if you hadn't picked up that, or if you don't know me well enough to know that.) So last night, I picked George up from his just-been-heaved-state, and put him on my shoulder and patted him to comfort him. This was of course a show for Porter to let him know it was not nice. For Heaven's sake! Porter's George has a crooked eye from being heaved so many times! I then explained it was not nice and he had hurt George's feeling's and George would be sleeping with mama tonight and we left.

Had we had earplugs in the house we may have used them, He was not happy with the new plan and had no reservations in letting us know. It took him a long time to go to sleep and I went in several times to re-explain why he did not get to have his George and hoped that my the next night he and Goerge could be reunited.

George was propped on a table in the living room while Wayne and I watched a movie last night and stayed there all night, happy I am sure to not be thrown needlessly against any heavy stationary objects. This morning after my bath I noticed George was gone. I asked Wayne and he had not moved George, so then I asked Port. He looked guilty so I told him to go get George. He went to his room and returned with George on his shoulder (like one would carry a baby) patting him softly and whispering sh...sh....sh....

Lesson learned. Lets hope it's remembered.

Freedom

2009-08-27T08:32:00.000-06:00

On our street on the 4th of July every year, everyone lines up there camp chairs along the street and we all do our fireworks together. It's really a nice arrangement and makes for a much bigger show. This is the first time I got the kids matching shirts. I thought they looked super cute.

I love to celebrate our country. I think we are so blessed to live here and to have the rights and freedoms that we have. I love the people who serve our country and provide those freedoms.
I am so greatful for our military and all that they do and have done for us. (I know this isn't a very timely post, but important none the less. Everyone complains because of the lack of pictures on my blog so I am trying here people ok!)

Wayne

2009-08-26T21:13:00.001-06:00

Can I tell you what an amazing man I married? Too often I am too quick to complain about the little things, but boy when the big things come around, I would always choose him to be on my team. When we were in the hospital...oh I mean when I was in the hospital...it seems like it was a we cause the man never even thought of leaving me. (And I was there a full week!) A couple of times I asked him to go take care of arrangements for the kids but other than that he did not leave to eat, to sleep, to do anything....he was there for me 110%. It was so comforting knowing we were in this together. He never once complained and every moment made me feel like I was his number one priority. Even when the baby came, he made sure I was always taken care of. I don't know if I can explain to you or to him how comforting and wonderful this was for me. It was a scary time for both of us. But it was incredible to be a team and to have one another to lean on.

One morning he got in the shower and a few minutes later three nurses rushed my room. They scared me! One of them quickly asked if I was alright. I looked down at the call button/light and saw it was lit, I did not hit it so I was a little confused and said that yes, I was fine. I was trying to gauge the situation. I wasn't quite sure what was going on.

"Are you sure?"

"um, yeah."

"Is there anyone in the bathroom?"

"Um, yes my husband is in the shower." (Still VERY confused and nervous that we would get in trouble for him using the shower. We used the don't ask and hope for the best policy.)

She runs to the bathroom and turns the doorknob but does not open it, it was happening much too fast for me to process-you know with the pain meds and all. She let go of the handle but she grabbed it again and again let it go. Her face showed she was in tremendous turmoil. It was taking everything she had to NOT open that door. She asked through the door if he was ok and explained to him that he must have pulled the emergency string. Hahahaha. Still she is trying to turn the handle, it was very difficult for her not to go in. I teased Wayne that he was looking for some excitement...he almost got some too. (He would have been soooo embarrassed. Can you imagine a nurse walking in on a naked shy Wayne? Hahahah!)

Beachy

2009-08-26T21:09:00.002-06:00

Doesn't this house look beachy and lovely? Not perfect and I am sure the bedrooms are itty bitty but it looks lovely to me.

Today

2009-08-20T17:08:00.003-06:00

Today as I was holding Cayde as I do each day he was doing some rhythmic shaking that reminded me of when he was having some seizures about 6 weeks ago. It made me nervous. He was sleeping and I kind of jostled him a little and tried not to think much about it...until......we got his EEG results this afternoon saying he is indeed still having some seizure activity in his brain. I don't know why this is so hard for me after all that has happened, but I feel like this is breaking my heart... again...Today we made some good strides on getting his vent weaned then realize he is having seizures. My heart is aching. I hurt and honestly I am mad. MAD! (Breathe....1...2...3..4...5...6...7...It's not working!) LOL

Sigh.

We (Terah and I) did have a REALLY nice visit with Cayde today though. He is growing into such a big boy! We bathed him and dressed him in a super cute outfit and set him on my lap and he was just chillin with his eyes open for a while and just hanging out. It was lovely and fun and relaxing and good. (see facebook pictures soon)

Terah has been here for a week and she goes home tomorrow. I tried to tell her she will be missing her flight (same as I told Tawni when Tawni had to go home) and there won't be any more for at least another week. I am very blessed to have sisters that I am very close with, that I love and who love me. I love that my kids are close to their aunties. I think it's sad not everyone gets to have this experience of having sisters who are fabulous and fun and supportive and wonderful. But I am lucky to have them.

Please keep praying for my Cayde.

Cool

2009-08-11T13:03:00.003-06:00

On Saturday our neighbors were having a sweet sixteen and combined fifteen year birthday for their daughter. They are Hispanic and there is a very cool sounding phrase for this party and I can say it-I learned how, but cannot figure out how to spell it. It just translates to "fifteen year" I think but sounds very cool. Anyway, It had been a long day and I didn't have a gift for her and it looked more and more like I wouldn't be attending. But another neighbor called and was there and wanted me to come over for a bit so I decided to swing by. I had already gotten into comfy clothes so I quickly put my clothes from the day back on and headed over.

I was hugely under dressed to begin with, but really felt that just making it over for a few minutes was all I could do in that moment. As it turns out half of the guests were jsut as under dressed so...

As i arrived at the party house, I tried to store my cell phone in my shirt pocket. I try to always have it with me because that's the first number the NICU calls when they need me regarding my little Cayde. Oddly my two pocketed shirt was pocket less. Huh. It took me a minute of perplexion to realize my shirt was indeed inside out. LOL.

Your mind works quickly in situations like this. Do I go home and fix it? Do I find a dark corner of the yard and quickly turn it right side in? Do I care? In that moment I decided it wasn't worth the effort, so into the party I went with my inside out shirt. I don't know how many people noticed. I told several people. I am good with being the butt of the joke on occasion. We all laughed. One neighbor girl (teenager) noticed and was horrified. I laughed.

The whole thing was interesting to me, because if asked I would say my normal reaction would be what the teens response was. Horror~! To be seen or embarrassed by something like this would be the horror of horrors. I found it quite interesting that it didn't seem to bother me in that moment. Perhaps there are bigger things on my plate to worry about something like that? Perhaps a disregard for the prideful nature I have often times found myself in is setting in. Perhaps I just wanted to enjoy a bit of humor at a time I so desperately need it.

I was going to say that - You know you aren't cool anymore when you show up to a party with your shirt inside out.

But after putting this story into words I am thinking - I think it's pretty cool when people can laugh at themselves and avoid some of the stresses that can come with worrying about being embarrassed. Very few times in my life have I found myself in this camp. I generally sit in the worry about being embarrassed camp. This one was much more pleasant. I hope to revisit it a bit more frequently. That camp is more fun.

Swim time

2009-08-10T23:13:00.004-06:00

Check out my cute swimmers. We didn't swim this summer nearly as much as we normally do but we got in the water a few times.

A Piece of Heaven

2009-08-10T22:53:00.002-06:00

Me holding my tiny babies hand. I love to hold his hand. they are like magnets. sometimes I sill have my hand close to hima nd without even opening his eyes he will find my finger to hold. I cannot wait til Cayde is home with me. I want to hold him forever...well maybe not forever but for a good long time.

he is up to nearly 4 lbs. I want Michelle to come take beautiful pics of him but its hard with all the tubes and wires connected to him but he is going to be huge by the time he gets home! He already looks gargantuan in comparison.

Allori's phone book

2009-08-04T20:09:00.003-06:00

A couple of days ago I noticed two pieces of paper on the computer desk. Both approximately the size of business cards, but noticeably cut by a child. ONe of them said "mom" and had my cell number on it. The other said "dad" and had his cell phone on it. I asked Wayne about them. She said Allori said she would like to have our phone numbers so she could call us when she needed to. Ok.hoguht that was reasonable. She often times talks to Wayne when he is at work or something, having been gone from home a long time. She doesn't talk to me much on the phone cause we are generally together. However, now that I have a baby in the hospital and I feel well enough to spend good quantities of time there, she has decided she misses me sometimes.

On Sunday she called me to ask why I had been gone so long. It made my day. Wayne told me she dialed my number alone, with him not even in the room that day.

The next day a new paper was on the computer desk. One larger sheet with both of our numbers on it. I guess she decided it was better to have them together.

This morning she decided she needed "grandma's number on there and aunties' numbers and other grandma and uncles'." Ok, So we started with a fresh sheet and I listed them all on there for her. The moment we were done she grabbed the phone and called Lori grandma, then she needed to talk to uncles so I suggested she call Auntie Tawni and ask for them. She dialed and went tot he kitchen to talk. When she returned only a few minutes later I asked if she talked to uncles. Exasperated she said, "No! She was too fast!" I guess she got off the phone too quickly and before Allori had completed her how are you's and did not get to ask for them. She wasn't so happy with that. LOL. She later asked for her cousin Lydia's to be put on the list (her best bud) and her new friends Hannah and Bethany.

She is 4. The calling starts already? So cute though. I love her!

(I have always had her talk on the phone to her grandma and aunties, etc. since we all live so far so the family ones name sense for sure. I guess she figured it's a good way to communicate. I found her "texting" on her play phone one day. too funny!)

Support and Bras

2009-07-27T22:12:00.002-06:00

There are all kinds of support.

Boob support. Who is not a fan of this? This is the ONLY positive part of bras really. Ok, and that they don't knock ya out if you happen to have to run a step or two. But that's it. Those are the only two positive things. Men like it because it is easy on the eyes although we want to pretend no one is looking and women like it for self esteem due to the above mentioned reason. It's a cycle.

Customer Service Support. This comes in many forms, generally non english speaking as of late. This makes everyone happy. I am all for multi-lingual, would just prefer to understand the words being spoken to me. Picky...I know.

Support may also come in the forms of corroborating, sustaining and advocating to name a few.

But now I would like to talk about the kinds of support we have received in this difficult time. We have seen support in the form of food, prepared carefully to nourish our weary bodies. We have seen support in the form of kind words and endless prayers. We have seen support in phone calls and sometimes in the lack of phone calls, when people know we are too tired and too sad to give updates. We have seen support in keeping others updated for us, in taking our calls for us and sometimes returning them. We have seen support in chores done and children fed and lovingly put to bed in the first weeks when we were unavailable for those things. We have seen support when we have called in needs and have had them met nearly immediately. We have had tiny clothes and other gifts arrive in the mail with loving notes. We have felt support when we are spiritually uplifted and assured that our beautiful baby will make it out of this in a miraculous way.

I would never...could never have imagined the system of support that would pop up in our moment of need. Albuquerque has not felt like home to me in any way except in the people we have known. Still, I would never have expected or even thought we would be cared for so carefully and so lovingly. I cry as I type this because this touches my heart in a way I cannot express.

Thank you for being God's angels on earth. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and kindness. Thank you for making Cayde's difficult entry into this world a little easier and lot more loving. I have again been assured that Heavenly Father loves us and is thoughtful of our every need.

Cayde 9

2009-07-16T19:15:00.001-06:00

Cayde was doing fantastically well. I suppose I was waiting for a big list of things wrong...but that never came. He was little and his lungs were not developed of course, but that's it...he was otherwise perfect and healthy. How is that possible? I kept asking myself and thanking God altogether.

On my way from recovery to my room in OB Special Care, my sweet nurse arranged to take me into the NICU briefly to see my little son. They rolled my bed right up to his...my emotions were all over the place. I asked in a very desperate voice if I could touch him. "Of course."

He was soo beautiful! I remember thinking that about Allori too. Each baby seemed so perfect, so tiny....Allori seemed tiny in all of her 6 lbs 11 oz. Cayde put a new meaning on tiny.

I was only able to be in there, near him for a couple of minutes. Everyone of them was perfect.

Cayde 8

2009-07-13T18:27:00.003-06:00

Cayde was whisked from the room but they did get Wayne's attention so he could get a brief glimpse. It wasn't even long enough for him to get me to look that direction. I held tight to that tiny little cry I heard. I knew he was ok. Heavenly Father had let me know he would be ok and he was.

They finished doing whatever they were doing to my body. It felt like they were rocking me up and down. It was weird and I kept getting sea sick. Nausea was abundant. The anesthesiologist placed a little dish between my head and Wayne in case I was going to heave. Wayne joked that he would prefer it be on the other side. Always the funny guy!

I had no idea that they had stapled me up. Had I thought that was a possibility I would have requested something different. I feel staples are wrong....especially in the event they are holding flesh together. I feel ok about them and their relationship with wood. The last time my abdomen was cut open the surgeon sewed it up with dissolvable stitches both inside and outside. That was satisfactory to me.

Later Wayne said, "How could you not know they put staples in ya?! It sounded like a construction zone!" At which point he made dramatic staple noises. Lovely.

When I was close to finished up, which didn't take long, I was taken to a back alley....I mean a weird deserted recovery room with my nurse. Just her and I. I was doing that funky shaking thing. It lasted for a couple of hours. They said most women do that after having a baby. I think it's interesting that it happened after both my babes were born because one was a natural delivery and one was a Cesarean section. So apparently it has to do with hormones. After my first delivery I thought it was due to the trauma of pushing a child from my body. Apparently I was wrong. It happens occasionally.

Wayne was taken to the NICU where he spent a good amount of time with our brand new miracle. He took the sweet set of pictures of Cayde with the coins next to his hand and the one with Wayne's hand next to Cayde. I cried and cried when he showed me. Wayne's mom walked in as we were looking at the photos. I was still shaking and I felt sudden relief to see her. It was a pretty big thing for her (and Wayne's little brother) to come down from Blanding, Utah. Allori had been at home with my brothers who were visiting from Illinois. Porter was at respite. Taking care of two kids would have been a bit much to ask of my little brothers. My mother in law would be able to take care of my kids without me having to worry about making arrangements, etc. A huge relief for me.

Cayde 7

2009-07-11T19:22:00.002-06:00

There were A LOT of people in the delivery room. At least 5 from the NICU, 2 from anesthesiology, a handful of nurses, it seemed like there were quite a few doctors and every time someone came to talk to me and tell me some other portion of what was happening or going to happen it was someone new. One of the NICU people told me that they would be whisking Cayde off immediately and taking him to "the room right over there in the corner." I could see no room but trusted it was in fact there. They said if Cayde was stabilized we may be offered a brief glimpse as he was then whisked from said corner room to the NICU. There were a lot of if's like that. By that point it had really started to bother both Wayne and I.

several hours prior a NICU nurse had come into my room to talk to Wayne and I about what to expect from the NICU, from having a baby so gestationally young and the like. She rattled off in a lovely memorized speech all sorts of information. Of which I could process very little with the kaleidoscope vision and accompanying headache. I remember a few things that she said, two of them resound in my head unwelcomingly. The first was this: "We cannot guarantee your baby will live." After that point I heard nothing else except her final statement: "You didn't cry..." I also heard the judgement in her voice. I burst into tears and looked at Wayne begging him silently to help me out of this situation, willing him to remove this woman from my presence that I might never see her again.

I had been crying a lot of the day. I suppose i didn't realize there were set times that i was supposed to cry. (Heavy on the sarcasm.) The nerve of this woman! She says first that she cannot guarantee my baby will live....then places judgment on my tears, or lack of tears. Could she seriously have thought that it hadn't crossed our minds that our baby might not live? Do I look like such a stupid woman? Surely not so much....

Of course we asked no person for a guarantee.

I have and continue to beg God for the miracle of keeping my son, that he will overcome all of these early obstacles...for him to be healthy and strong...for him to have the desire to fight for his shot at life.

Part of me feels this is entirely selfish....I cannot help it.

Wayne

2009-07-08T21:42:00.005-06:00

Elevator Etiquette

2009-07-08T21:23:00.002-06:00

Seriously? Does this need to be addressed? Come on people.

Let me set the stage. You have a 4 foot by 5 foot elevator. It's empty. The doors open and in walk 3 people. One (we will call her the easily annoyed one for obvious reasons) steps to the back left corner seemingly leaving a good portion of elevator left for other patrons. The other two walk to the back and stand directly in the center of the back wall. The easily annoyed one notices and thinks this is weird that they choose to stand so close to her. She feels like it is a million degrees and desires no touching. NO touching. The closest woman to the easily annoyed one oddly steps closer to the easily annoyed one, pressing her arm against her. Weird right? So she takes a step forward leaving everyone ample room. The lady moves also...taking a large step TOWARD the easily annoyed one. I know...it's not the woman's fault that the first girl is easily annoyed. Also not her fault that she feels it's a million degrees and thinks she is so hot she may combust. All not her fault...however....Is it necessary to lean against me when we have an entire elevator? (I know you are totally surprised it is me.)

So I say in the nicest voice I can drum up which is asking a lot right now, "Would you mind if I had a little room please?" Look, it was nicer than punching her and somehow it did come out sounding pretty pleasant. I was trying..ok? She kindly apologized and stepped slightly away. I am a fairly touchy person but really...? A stranger in the elevator? not so much.

So i think there should be a list of rules in the elevator. This is obviously an issue. LOL

Elevator Etiquette:

1. Do not touch strangers unnecessarily.

Ok, really that's all I got right now. Feel free to add your own. (And yes I see the future repercussions of limiting human contact in yet another formal way....I am just saying...use a little judgement ok?)

Also I think they should add a bench. I have nearly passed out in the elevator several times now.

Cayde 6

2009-07-08T08:45:00.002-06:00

Cayde 5

2009-07-08T08:17:00.002-06:00

June 19th 6:00pm

By now we knew we were going to have a baby pretty quick. (In the next day or so.) The doctors were monitoring both baby and I very closely and felt with some prep I may be able to deliver naturally. The first step was to start Pitocin as a sort of stress test and see if baby was strong enough to handle the contractions. This went very well. He did great so they turned the Pitocin off. It was just a test after all.

They had planned to then start the little pills that they put on your cervix to help you dilate. (I was already dilated to a 1, had been 50% effaced for weeks so if they could just help me along a bit, we should have been well on our way to delivering a tiny little baby.) For some reason they opted against the cervix pill deal which did not make me one bit sad. They said that could be a pretty long process and I was already with the crazy vision and muscle spasms racking my neck and back as well as the pre-eclampsia death headache. So anything (well, most anything) to move things along was appreciated. The cervix pill thing could have been a 24 hour process (as they would put an itty bitty pill in every 4 hours for up to 24 hours to "see" if it would do something.) A time frame I was not looking forward to. And really just seemed a bit too sketchy for me. The only positive there however was if it took a whole day that's one more day that little baby was in and one more day he was mostly safe. But even that wasn't a for-sure, so it felt like a coin toss.

Anyway, they decided against that. The only reason we kind of got was they didn't think it was safe to wait that long. (There were quite a few "not-safe's" floating around. A bit unnerving really.)

So they opted for the balloon torture procedure. That's right...balloon torture procedure. I was obviously in a delusional state to have let them do this to me. And they were tricky. They didn't use the scientific name of "Balloon Torture Procedure." No. They somehow made it sound like an ordinary walk in the park. Jerks.

Here's how it went down.

Nurse with sticky sweet voice: "Well we are going to take a catheter like the one you already have in place (This felt awful going in but then was fine.) and we will put it up through your cervix with a deflated balloon on the end.We will blow it up a bit and let gravity do it's magic." Well that doesn't sound so bad does it? Keep in mind my pain level was HUGE to begin with so not sure I could have totally processed the info anyway.

Before going any further. If anyone offers this lovely little procedure to you or your loved one, I suggest you run for the hills. Or kindly ask them to demonstrate it on a real person first. However you choose to handle this, DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO DO IT ON YOU! (Or a loved one if she is too messed up to know what's going on.) Seriously. If I have told you about this and you ever come back and say it happened to you..*shaking head*...just consider yourself warned.

OK, so catheter inserted THROUGH cervix. VERY NOT COMFORTABLE. Balloon blown up. Ow! Now I could not see any of this contraption but apparently it was hooked to a kite string and hung over the side of the bed with some weight on it so that gravity could "do it's magic." I didn't time it but it was at least an hour and less than two and felt like a massive contraction that lasted the entire length. Wayne was trying to sleep. I was breathing and trying to pretend it was passing more quickly than it was. Finally the "magic" started to happen." (Seriously you know a man who would never have to feel this came up with this stupid idea.) Magic? Jerks. The blown up balloon with the help of gravity started to make it's way through my cervix. I already felt like I had been having a massive 1-2 hour contraction with no relief...this pain was unbearable...It took about 3-5 minutes for the balloon to make it's way and I wanted to die. I thought I was dying. I probably would have chosen to die had I been given the option. Finally it came out and the pain was replaced with a shaky remembrance of the unnatural occurrence.

Wayne was rudely woken by my screaming which scared the tar out of him. I didn't even scream during 8 hours of hard labor with Allori. Wayne was horrified when he saw the torture contraction that had just escaped my body.

The nurse, or a doctor... I really don't know. Everything was sort of white and crazy by then, checked me and I was then dilated to a 3. Seriously? Three? Had I been a tiny bit more lucid, i may have punched someone. (Again consider yourself warned and do not EVER allow a balloon to be inserted where it is not welcome.)

They turned the Pitocin back on to start contractions again. (I requested an epidural at this point as I was really at my pain tolerance level.) They turned the Pitocin up, and up and up. There were very few if any contractions. They broke my water. No turning back then. The Pitocin went up, up more and still not any real contrations. Hours passed. Pitocin was turned up more and nothing. They checked me again and baby's little arm was covering his head, he was coming out arm first.

The doctor called for an emergency c-section. I burst into tears. It was obvious that's where we were headed but it still upset me. (I don't really know why.)

The prep was done incredibly fast, Wayne was given his scrubbs which he looked very nice in and I was taken to the operating room where on the way they asked if I wanted my tubes tied. This was humorous and odd to me. I was 26 weeks pregnant and thought until a few hours ago that I still had lots of time to make decisions and preparations. I declined as Wayne and I had not talked about it. We are done having kids but I still felt that was a decision that we needed to talk about.

The c-section went very quickly. I was prepped super fast and they were nearly starting after having to fix and fix and alter the epidural. I could "feel" much more than they thought I should be able to. The anesthesiologist said she was probably going to have to just put me out if her last effort didn't work. It did. They were starting...I asked where my husband was. oops! They brought him in and everything went very quickly from there.

Jonathan "Cayde" Pehrson was born June 20th at 1:52 pm. (He was due Sep 2oth.)
He weighed 1 lb 11 oz and measured 13.5 inches long.
He let us hear one tiny cry before they whisked him away.
It was the most beautiful and welcomed sound ever.

Allori's funny.

2009-07-05T23:08:00.003-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, Allori said the funniest thing. For obvious reasons, I have not been able to share it yet...but this is one for the books.....

Wayne was playing a game or something with Allori and said he was going to go take a quick shower. He was being silly and so was Allori. She is also a bit impatient like her mom and asked if he was really going to hurry please. It was somewhere between a question and a statement. Wayne, in his silly state, began to pretend to scrub his hair and said something like, "I am just gonna wash my hair and hop right out...oh and maybe scrub my body too..." and his pretend scrubbing moved down to his rump. I was already laughing a bit at them...Allori's silly impatience and Wayne's silly scrubbing of his rump all the while dancing in place...when suddenly Allori in all seriousness including a deadpan expression says, "Please wash everything." Hahahaha.

She did not want the scrubbing limited to hair and rump only, apparently. Both Wayne and I busted up. Oh my goodness. I know I am bossy. One cannot deny such an obvious trait. But seriously....? She is 4. Can she learn it so young? I think this must be more of an inherent trait that a complete learned one. Possibly a combination.

"Please wash everything." hahaahahaah. Oh boy.

Cayde 4 (Allori)

2009-07-05T23:01:00.002-06:00

It seemed so unreal. I mean it felt like I had been pregnant forever. Twenty Six very long weeks. But not nearly long enough to deliver a baby, I thought. Time can be so deceiving.

I was miserable my first pregnancy. Miserable. Sick, yuck, gross. And although we didn't have any serious problems right up until the end of that pregnancy, I anticipated that my next pregnancy would be just as miserable. (Expect the worst, hope for the best kind of thing.) Wayne and I talked about wanting 3-4 kids. During that first pregnancy we joked that one would be sufficient. It was hard on him too. I could not go into the grocery store, or the kitchen for that matter without throwing up. My entire pregnancy! I felt nauseous from the time I was 4 1/2 weeks pregnant til the day I delivered. Just for kicks I even tossed my cookies once in the delivery room. (There er lots of fun stories to share here but that's a whole other story!)

Each trimester was different where the morning sickness was concerned...I guess just to switch things up a bit. I was on Zofran which is a wildly expensive chemo nausea medicine. I would break the pills in 1/4's to try to make them last longer. (My co pay was like $7/pill.) In my third trimester i would projectile vomit with no notice. Fun times. (Uh....strong on the sarcasm there.)

A week before I was due I went to my second to last regular doctor appointment. This was the single appointment Wayne was not able to attend with me. My sister Tawni came with me. My blood pressure was extremely high. I remember now I had some pretty good headaches at that last little time too but because I have lots of headaches I didn't attribute them to anything pregnancy related. Dr. Milligan (This awesome young surfer guy doctor that Wayne and I both loved) had my blood pressure rechecked several times then sent me straight to the hospital across the street. I told him I would run my sister home and go right over. "Um, no, you won't be taking your sister home, you need to go right over there. Do you need an escort?" Ok, got it. Important. So we went and with no luck getting my blood pressure down I was admitted to the labor and delivery department and was prepared for an induction. Allori was born 28 hours later.

Now that I know more about pre-eclampsia I am guessing that I had it then too. It just didn't pop up until the end of my pregnancy, so it didn't get to a severe state and since I as at 39 weeks gestation with Allori, it was easy to simply deliver the baby and everyone was good. However because the doctors did not diagnose me with pre-eclamsia, when asked if I had had pre-eclampsia with my first pregnancy, I said no I had not been diagnosed with it. It wasn't until I did a bunch of research and we knew for sure I had it this time around that I began to think I had it then too. Apparently it is highly unusual to have pre-clampsia with a second pregnancy if you did not have it with the first. So either I am unusual in that way too or I did in fact have it my first pregnancy setting this one up to be much worse.

This pregnancy was very different. I was not constantly nauseous. The morning sickness came and went. I was taking Prilosec which made a MASSIVE difference with the morning sickness. If I missed a dose, within 6 hours-gross morning sickness took over with a vengeance. So even though I was less sick that way I still was/felt miserable. Pregnancy just doesn't do well for my body. Begin with a body that is tortured by fibromyalgia then add a hard pregnancy. It's not really a trip to Disneyland. Wayne and I agreed that we would have one more baby and if it was as bad of a pregnancy, we would call it good. Having two children naturally that is.

For the month before I delivered Cayde, the doctors were thinking pre-eclamsia but were tripped up by the fact I told them I did NOT have pre-eclampsia my first pregnancy. My blood pressure, which normally runs low was high the entire pregnancy, and getting higher with each visit.

Twenty Six very long miserable weeks that I would do over again in a heartbeat if I could see to it that my son stayed put a little longer, grew a little stronger and was a bit more ready to face the world. I would do anything to make this time easier on his precious little body and soul.

Cayde 3

2009-07-02T12:06:00.001-06:00

Friday, June 19, 2009

After 4 doses of one iv medicine failed to lower my quickly raising blood pressure, I was switched to another medicine. Three doses later and only a couple of points lower let the team of doctors know I was in trouble. They put me on an iv seizure medicine. Apparently that high of a high pressure can make you seize. The medicine was super fun and made me have blurry vision. My peripheral vision looked like a kaleidoscope. Although i guess I can't say how much of it was from the death headache and how much was from the seizure medicine. What I do know is that I had kaleidoscope vision on the sides, blurry as well as double vision everywhere else and the nurses kept leaving me in the dark (literally). They said that would help. It didn't help, it only annoyed me. (I am easily annoyed though, to be fair.)

Around this time, they had diagnosed me with Severe Pre-eclamsia and as I said, they felt I was in danger. Now it was time to determine how the baby was. His heart beat was strong and steady. Wayne and I constantly felt certain that the baby was ok and would continue to be ok. (A little voice somewhere wondered if we were simply thinking positively or had indeed been reassured by our Heavenly Father that all would be well.)

A sonogram told us several things. The baby weighed approximately 1 lb 11 oz. (Could a baby be born that little?...And be ok?) It told us that his blood flow was not ok. With my body in danger, there was a chance that they could hold off and try to find a way to keep me pregnant in order to protect the baby as long as possible. with the baby in danger as well, that option was taken away. It told us our son would be born over the coming weekend.

We were both filled with fear.

Cayde 2

2009-06-29T16:53:00.002-06:00

Two Fridays ago, Wayne and I got into the car to go to the Labor and Delivery Triage for the third time in 15 days. (I never go the ER or the like cause I hate the wait and the lack of help it generally brings, some things excluded i.e. to cast a broken bone or stitch a wound. so for me to go, things really must have felt not right.) Within 50 minutes they had me admitted and moved over to labor and delivery, blood work ordered, I had already spoken with 6 or 7 specialists and Wayne and I were getting nervous. It showed in our eyes but we tried to keep conversation light.

It was at this point, that the lab lady asked for them to get me an ID bracelet (not sure how we missed that step) and she drew the first set of about 30 or 40 sets of blood over the next week. My arms feel like pin cushions. Then look like they were brutally attacked from all sides, like they fought the good fight...and lost. Every blood draw took 2-3 sticks. Veins were used multiple times, they called in rapid response and used a sonogram machine to find veins and even sonogram guy (who was completely inappropriate and made me feel like I needed to mention "my husband" just so everyone was clear!) couldn't get it. Vials of blood were drawn from finger sticks and lengthy squeezing sessions. (I had never seen that one before! The remnant bruises of sonogram blood guys attempts are by far the ugliest. The bruises are a visual reminder of how my body failed me, of how my body failed my son.

Cayde 1

2009-06-28T23:42:00.001-06:00

On Friday, Cayde peed on me. For just a moment things felt normal-ish. The nurse and I scrambled to clean him (and me) up. I got to lift him up for the first time. He was light as a feather. (I have been able to change his diaper several times although we have not been able to hold him yet. Any small amount of contact feels like a blessing.)

I know this is not the story you are waiting to hear. It will come in bits and pieces.

Siblings

2009-06-05T23:29:00.003-06:00

I have two brothers. Did you know that? Let me tell you about my siblings. I am....aging. I have two twin sisters that are aging at a rate of 4 years less than me. Then we have our much younger brothers. Jacob is 15 and is soo his own person. Jordan is 13 and is funny and growing into who he is. I adore them. I adore my sisters too. We have spoken with our parents about what an interesting dychotomy we have in our family. We all get along really well. We come together to deal with family matters. We lean on and support one another. Because of the age difference, my brothers really ended up with about 4 moms. (Or one mom and 3 over bearing sisters. Whatever you feel comfortable with. lol.) I talk to my sisters nearly daily, a few times a week at least. I love having this kind of relationship with my siblings. We are all different and we all adore one another.

Anyway, my little brudders came in yesterday. They will be staying with us for a month. Yeah! Allori was beside herself waiting on them. lol. It feels just like normal to have them here. I am grateful to have them visiting us and will update and show you their handsome faces throughout the month.

Chaos

2009-05-19T20:22:00.003-06:00

Are you a House fan? Not house as in the roof over your head but House as in the television show. I don't have to watch it every week but I enjoy a good episode. There was one a few weeks ago, I think it was on the rerun channel, that had a funny female character who kept having crazy things happen and in turn kept yelling to the Heavens, "Come on!" (As in, Seriously? That's all you got?)

Um, I feel like that character this week.

Start with Friday when I had two, yes two, intense appointments spaced not very far apart. Allori and I went to grab lunch and take her to Wayne's office for my second one. The drive through was taking forever and I can't tell you why I decided to turn the car off, all I can tell you is that it was a voluntary choice....that apparently my lovely car did not prefer. Keep in mind this is not a clunker-she just acts like it on occasion? (But then-so do I, I guess.) She chose not to start again when we had received our food. Are you serious? Come on! Now imagine with me for a moment...car in drive through parked sufficiently close to the drive through window, also sufficiently showing for 5 months pregnant and not small to begin with...and now I have to remove myself from the car. Nothing about this was pretty. Nothing. Admittedly my car started very quickly when jumped, thank goodness since I was in a HUGE time crunch. I was truly grateful for this small favor. Large Favor. It did save me much stress although my blood pressure had already received quite the boost.

Saturday my friend, Katie, and I went to this HUGE baby flea market thing. It began way across town at 8am which we arrived just in time for...but this was not at all a good plan. We stood in the windy line for a half hour or so then pushed our way through the massive selections, where we found lots of fun things. After waiting in line for like an hour (seriously) to pay for our finds...we got to the front where they rushed us crazily through- instructing us to find, tear and remove tags as quickly as possible...there was a worker helping me and we got it done fairly quickly. I was pretty excited about the things we found. I didn't think I would need anything for the baby except a few odds and ends. But he grew boy parts...well I don't have any boy things (I do have porter things but those thigns start at size 12 months) and my position on boys in pink is a pretty strong opposition. We found some great things for pretty good prices so I feel like I have a start anyway. Upon returning to the home front I was showing Wayno what I had purchased when I noticed about 5 things with the tags still on. Are you serious? Yes, I stole them. It was completely unintentional, but they were thieved none the less. I don't know how this happened. The nice man who was rushing me (It's a bit hard to rush me in most things anyway as I prefer fast or not at all but somehow he was in more of a rush that I was.) was helping me do the tags. How did we miss those items? I felt horrible. I still do. I didn't mean to thieve them. (It was pretty far across town and nearly over or possibly already over by the time I realized so I wasn't able to rectify my errr. Bummer.)

My morning sickness is back full time. Are you serious? I think this is due to my acid reflux medicine being changed. Our new insurance doesn't cover the other one. It took me several days to realize what the cause was or rather what fix was missing. I don't know why the prilosec helps so much, but it does.

Oh, we can't forget this one. On Sunday I accidentally took sleeping medicine rather than pain medicine. Are you serious? I didn't realize until I started to feel woozy. The kicker here is I haven't even been taking sleeping medicine at night cause it's not been working. I haven't been sleeping and taking the medicine makes no difference, so with no benefit, I figure I ought not to take it. Obviously it's better to take nothing when pregnant. And with no benefit to me or the baby, definitely better not to take it. (Um, jsut so you now I am being responible, my meications have all been approved through a pre natal specialist.) So why does it knock me out in the day time, the morning at that? I was supposed to teach young women's at church. That was obviously not going to work out at that point so I called Michelle, a member of the Yong Women's Presidency to ask her to combine the classes. I first called the other teacher to see if she could do it, but she was out of sorts as well. I am certain I slurred through the conversation, I remember very little of it. Are you serious?

While writing this...I sit in my chair (Do you have a chair? Does everyone have a chair? Well, I have a chair. I need a new one, but it's the most comfortable place for me to sit and keeps me out of pain more than the couch and other chairs do.) My front door is open. The moths come and go as they please. The large non opening window is un-curtained even though is it dark now. Sherah and Taya like to check things out (people, cars, other animals, etc.) They are very good dogs and I have taught them to stay in the yard. They follow this rule 99% of the time which I think is pretty darn good. I saw the dogs trot out the front door and didn't think much about it as I was setting my computer down and standing up to go to the restroom, when suddenly some unstable woman screeches, "GET YOUR DOGS!!!!!!!!!!" Now they must be eating her alive right? Surely. upon assessing the scene I realized they were not chasing her, they were not out of my yard or off my property. Perhaps she is afraid of dogs. I do not know. I am sorry if she is. This really got under my skin. Again with the raised blood pressure and instant stress. When I realized the dogs were doing nothing that could even be remotely perceived as threatening I wanted to yell, are you serious? I do not need any stress. None. I need none people. I think I have put my time in where stress is concerned. (In a lifelong outlook sort of way.) LOL

Sigh.

I could throw more from the last week or two in, but those are some of the highlights. Sorry you missed it I am sure. Please be advised this episode of chaos is over. That is a proclamation to the Heavens, the world, to all who care or don't care to know it. I need some peace and some joy now please...in large helpings.

Oh the possibilities

2009-05-15T09:19:00.002-06:00

So I have a couple of names that I think I like pretty well.

Zaedon and Cade.

Unfortunately they don't really go together in either direction so I will still need to chose and come up with a second name...but I am getting closer.

(I do like Cole also Danelle.)

The Name Game-PS

2009-05-12T00:05:00.002-06:00

I have been asking (begging/making) Wayne to come up with ideas. Tonight as we were watching Diners, drive ins and Dives, he suggested both "Guy" and "Fieri," the hosts first and last names. *sigh*

He doesn't like the ones I have come up with much. We did not have this issue with Allori's name. I had it pre-chosen and he loved it. We wrestled with her middle name a bit, but that wasn't so bad. I felt as least partially there.

There are a few we both like, such as Jonathan....but compared to Porter and Allori, it seems a little plain, although I would love to name him after my uncle who is more like a brother to me. (He is just 3 years older than me.) We both like Preston, but as previoulsy stated, I don't feel liek it's "The One."

Guy? I am not naming my son Guy.

The Name Game

2009-05-11T23:54:00.002-06:00

I am having serious stress about choosing a boy name. I am finding lots that I like, but none that I think are the right name for MY baby. What does that even mean? I am losing patience with myself. lol. When my best friend Michelle had her first son, the moment she thought she ahd a name chosen (which was none to soon for me) I went out and bought her a magnet iwth the name on it so she was stuck. My sweet friend, Brenda who is due in June has apparently chosen a name and will not tell people. All I can say to that is...well nothing...it makes me want to slowly shake my head and sigh. I do not understand this Brenda! If you decide you want to wait for a surprise to see if it's a boy or girl rather than find out...fine. Not for me, but I can go with that.ind of. Of course you won't be getting as col a gift if you get one at all because what do you buy or make? But why will you not tell? You tink it will be fun for us to have a surprise? *sigh* Anyway back to my own issue....There are names I like, several of them were included in Natalie and Danelles lists on previous post. But nothing makes me feel like-yes! that is it!

I know...you are probably thinking Istill have 19 weeks and sufficient time to think....if youa re thining this...you do not know me well enough! LOL. I need a name TODAY!

I fanally caved and loked on a some online lists today. Jesus(Hay-sus), Jose, Jabari...seem to hold the same validy and pull as Preston, Vaughn, Blake, Layne and the like. The latter portion of the list are names I like very much but they don't "feel" right. I cannot handle not knowing what his name is going to be....life is rough. LOL

Change of Placement

2009-05-08T20:03:00.004-06:00

Well there have been some changes in our family lately.

Israel's dad has complained about us from the beginning. I honestly feel that it had very little to do with us and had everything to do with his not being in control. He is old world Mexican. So, he wants the woman to do the work, as he says to do it....and that's it. Keep in mind that Israel would not have even been put in care except that dad denied being the dad when CYFD showed up. The complaint was against the mother and the dad lived elsewhere, just happened to be watching him at her house when they showed up to check things out. He denied being the father saying he was the uncle. No one knows why. He also kept handing the baby to the investigator saying he needed to go to work. Because of those things, they needed to verify paternity and from there the dad has proven to be a problem.

At first he complained about smaller things that CYFD could just kind of ignore. He said Issy was sick all the time. He is congested all the time but it's allergies and there is very little you can do for that, for a babe. I had him checked out routinely for this. He also did not like that we had dogs. (He told the Social Worker it must be a cultural thing-apparently we are white so we have dogs, no other culture does that? The funny part is the SW is Hispanic also and she said to him, "Actually I have dogs too, and they are inside dogs."hahaahah.) He thinks I put Issy to bed to early (7:30-8:00). There were lots of complaints like that. However he acted like my friend and I went above and beyond by letting him call to check on Issy and see him an extra time each week. This was not convenient for me but I felt it was best at the time for Issy and his dad and family. However when the complaints continued and my stress level stayed high, I cut off communication with the dad. He still got to see him at his appointed visits, etc. but I did not answer calls or make arrangements for extra visits.

Things seemed to calm down.

Until a month or so ago.

A little more background info. Issy is a bit of a clumsy kid. He didn't crawl or move much when he got to our home at 11 months old. I think this was a combination of a couple of things. First he is just a bit delayed. Drug baies are sometimes. Second, no one was giving him naps or putting him to bed early enough so with a lack of sleep how does one learn and grow and do the things he needs to do? Once he was on a nice and appropriate schedule he picked things up pretty quickly. He walked at about 15 months. (His family expects nothing from him though so he wouldn't walk for them for like 2 months after that. They didn't even know he could walk. Interesting, no?) He would do lots of things for us that he would not do for him family, like give kisses, do small chores like putting his clothes in the dirty clothes, etc. Anyway, he is still not terribly stable on his feet, like I said, a little clumsy. So he falls and bumps things. I don't think this is a big deal, he will get better as he goes.

Another issue is he is kinda mean to other kids. My theory is that his family spoils him so much (they seriously expect nothing out of him-if he throws a Ball, he will point to it and they will go fetch it for him, they expect nothing and just set him down and serve him. It's odd to me.) So he shares...well, not very well. Less well than most kids. I know all kids have a little trouble with this, but he really struggles, He takes toys, he hits when someone won't just give up the toy they are playing with cause he wants it. He is a Little bit mean. (I know this sounds liek a normal child, but he is a bit extreme at each of these things.) So, in turn sometimes the other kids, like at daycare, will lash out at him in frustration. To me it's kind of a natural thing to do. The SW agrees that he is aggressive. She has observed him being aggressive on a number of occasions. In fact they told a recent respite provider he is aggressive. Interesting.

Here is where the issue comes in. His dad started calling in every bruise as a referral. Meaning we would be investigated for child abuse, every. time. Everytime he got hurt or got a bruise. Seriously? Yes, seriously. In two weeks we were investigated like 4 times. Every time it was cleared. Every time it was unsubstantiated. Every time it was incredibly stressful. Every time showed us it wasn't going to end. It was scary. He even mentioned sexual abuse to the therapeutic school he was going to. WHAT?!?!?!?!? That was snubbed out right away thank the good Lord. The best we can figure is he is deflecting in the worst kind of way. A lot of biological parents will complain incessantly because somehow to them it makes them look not so bad. I have seen other situations like this. Usually CYFD will have a meeting with everyone and explain to the bio parents the damage this can do to the children, that it in fact will not help anyone and usually it gets some better. CYFD, even though they cleared every. single. thing. they dropped the ball and did not talk to the father. It kept going, the stress seemed to not end. We didn't know what to do, the complaints and investigations kept coming. It was very scary.

We had quite a bit o support although admittedly it did not feel liek it. All three of the SWs that are in my home each month were incredibly supportive and said plainly that they ahd no concerns about us or our care of the children. The investigator said the same thing, The kids lawyers said the same. However, when it hits this kind of extreme it goes to everyones supervisors and none of them know us. In fact two of them have issues with us becasue I fight har for y kids rights and that seems to rock the boat a bit. So they did not have suport for us. So even though everythgin was cleared those poeple, the supervisors seemed to treat up like criminals. (Jerks. lol)

Finally we asked for him to be moved. It was very sad for us. I have never asked for a child to be moved before, I don't think it's good for the kids. I don't think it was the best thing for Issy. But I do fel that it was the best thing for our family. Part of me feels liek I gave up on him. I adamantly stand against moving kids from foster home to foster home. However I also stand firmly in the position that we must, absolutley must protect OUR family.

Now he has to get used to a new family, etc. But what else could we do. I was sooo stresed I was nervous it might effect my baby. It was definitely effecting our family and home.

They sent him to respite for the weekend (last weekend) then asked the respite provider to take him as a placement. They told the family he was probably going to adoption soon. This family is only looking for adoptable kids. They lied to her. He is not going up for adoption. I doubt he ever will. The dad isn't doing great but he is not doing badly enough that they will not return the babe to him. My SW told her that when she (the new foster mom) came to pick him up so she knows they lied to her but she is still hopeful. That's not fair to her. I hate that they work that way. The placement worker was desperate enough to get him placed quickly that he lied to her. I can't handle things like that.

Our home is suddenly more peaceful. I don't think you notice as it gradually gets more stressful until it's too much. We love Issy and we miss him but I believe this is what's best.

And the results are in.....

2009-05-08T19:42:00.002-06:00

So I had my sonogram today....I told the technician what I have been telling everyone, "We think it's a girl. We won't be sad if it's a boy, we just think it's a girl."

Her reply: "Well I am glad you won't be sad cause it's boy."

huh.

"Are you sure....?" LOL

"Well let me get some more pictures..." (getting other views, other photos)

One of them popped up on the screen and All doubt faded. He is all boy. hehe. already looks like he has the Pehrson belly. The Pehrson bely is cute. Alori has it and Wayne has it. It's a nice belly...not like mine. LOL. I feel really excited. I think mostly because I hadn't really considered that he would in fact be a he. So it was a fun surprise.

When we had Allori I had everything ready. A lovely nursery, all the things I wanted and thought we needed. We had to stay in the hospital 2 full days cause of the Group B Strep. (FYI the Dr said there is a good Chance I will have that still or again if I had it last time. Good to know.) Then my sweet husband packed us up in the car. We must have thought of something we wanted right away as we were driving home. I can't remember what, I am thinking it was food. So Wayne dropped Allori and I off at home and went to the store. I remember standing in the living room, looking around and thinking, "well shoot...now what do I do with her?" She seemed too little to put in her crib and it seemed wrong to lay her on the floor on day 1. I needed to sit down. I think I tried laying her on a blanket on the floor and didn't like that so I ended up holding her in my comfy chair. I felt lost. I loved her, I was more in love than I ever thought possible, but I was lost too.

Today I feel a little bit similarly. What do I do with a boy? LOL.

I don't know why I feel that way, I have had 2 of them for nearly a year, so whats new? I don't know...but it is how I feel.

I have a name picked out but I am not sure I am in love with it and Wayne isn't...so I need to think more. There are three total that I like but none of them are for sures, so I need to find that one that is THE right one....I am such a planner I feel lost. A boy? But I had it all planned for a girl. LOL. Heavenly Father lke to play little tricks. He needs to have his fun too.

I will take name suggestions. I like not-usual, unique but not weird, strong good names. See, I don't ask for much. LOL.

Groupie

2009-05-05T19:32:00.003-06:00

So Porter is like a little groupie. He is way into American Idol tonight. He keeps going up and kissing the tv and (laughing) now he just pulled up his jammie shirt and "bumped" the tv. Not sure what to think of that but it was super funny.

Marshmallow Fondant-ps

2009-03-31T22:45:00.002-06:00

I have not had a bit of energy all day long. Not a bit. And now that I posted that link it makes me want to make it. Seriously? At 10:52 pm? Who is controlling the wackiness of my schedule? I am not pleased with this. I don't think it's funny. One would think I would be used to it by now, but I am not.

One time on my mission I had laid awake for hours not being tired so I got up and made banana bread for my companions for breakfast. They were pleased. I was not. :)

The battery in our scale went out a few weeks ago. I usually pay close attention to my weight (not that you can tell). So I have been wondering and its driving me nuts. I was certain I had gained at least 20 pounds with this pregnancy so far. With a new battery installed I found out it was just ("just") 11. Not great but certainly better than 20. :)

I am having a hard time coming up with a middle name for the baby. For a girl name, since I am fairly sure it is a girl. I don't love the boy first name I have chosen but I guess I am not worried about that so much since I feel it will be unnecessary. Michelle thinks I am wrong. :) It will be fun to see when I have an ultrasound in a few weeks. What do you think?

Cupcakes

2009-03-25T18:38:00.002-06:00

Kristine and I have been getting together and cooking fun things. Things that we might not normally do on our own. A couple weeks ago we made Baklava which came out fabulously. And yesterday we made these cupcakes with this yummy marshmallow fondant. I lost all energy just about the time I got to Kristine's. That's why my two photos have exactly 4 cupcakes on each one. Kristine did LOTS more than me. Her two photos are full of wonderful creative cupcakes. This was very fun and the fondant was yum! Much better than your usual fondant. Not too hard to make, If I had had a normal amount of energy, it would have been easier to come up with fun decorating ideas I think. I am so glad I know how to do this now! I gave one to the social worker that visited today and she nearly cried. I didn't think it was particularly that cute, but I am glad she liked it. :)

Allori's sweet apron

2009-03-25T18:16:00.004-06:00

I am pokey about pictures. I just really haven't taken many lately. Then we have to figure out how to upload them again since we have been reinstalling the OS about once a month due to random computer issues. Anyway....I have some for you today.

Kristine made Allori this soooo cute Apron and brought it to her a couple of weeks ago. Is it not he cutest Apron ever? Allori wears it A LOT! Once she gets it on it's like pulling teeth to get it off for a bath or something. LOL. She adores it and so do I. Thank you Kristine. For your reference Kristine makes these for sale if you are interested. She also makes the cutest petti skirts. Check them out.

(My poor photo does not do the brilliant colors justice!)

Court

2009-03-17T17:16:00.002-06:00

Last Monday we were called into CYFD and asked to sign an intent to adopt form for Porter. This form is funny to me because it had three sections and at the end of each section it says, "This contract is not binding." Then why bother with it? This is my question.

Tuesday we had court so they could officially change his status from reunification to adoption. There was a lot more info shared here than I anticipated which is interesting since there are no parents and no one to contest.

Both of the previously potential fathers were suppose to be there with their respective lawyers so they could be dismissed from the case because both of them were ruled out with a 0% chance of being Porter's father. Only one of them were there although both lawyers were present. AS the one non dad was escorted in, dressed in orange and handcuffed, he met up wit his lawyer a the table where they would sit. In approximately 30 seconds flat said lawyer explains to him that he is not the father and case will be dismissed today.

Seriously? We have known for months. You couldn't find 5 minutes to let the man know he in fact did not have a son. You wait til he's in court hoping his family can take custody of him. Heartless! I lost respect or her and she was one of the local court appointed's that I had a bit of respect for.

Anyway, he was not ok with that. He said he did not believe the DNA test and would like to repeat it. He says Porter looks just like his family. On this point, having seen his face for about 45 seconds I would agree with. But the test says no. The CYFD lawyer and the judge both agreed that they count on these tests being accurate and the judge said he would not ask the state to pay for another one but that he was welcome to do one on his own.

I assume this would have to be arranged by one of his family members, and paid for by them also, since he is in jail. This doesn't concern me a huge amount because I tend to agree that the tests are accurate. Unless there was a huge mix up we are good.

The thing is wen he said these things, I felt compassion for him. I did not feel fear or feel any sort of competition with him. My heart just went out to him, He just wants so badly for Porter to be HIS son. I can relate to this because I want so badly for him to be MY son.

playing babies

2009-03-17T17:08:00.002-06:00

Allori is playing with her babies right now and she says, "Sara you have to take a nap.
You HAVE to. If you don't you will have to take two naps."

hahaha.

Sometimes she says things and I am like-crap, she learned that from me! But two naps, what the devil? too funny.

Spendthrift

2009-03-06T13:05:00.004-07:00

This morning I saw a sign that read like this:

Burial Services
Traditional $2995
Cremation $795

I have posted about this before. Wayne's family tradition is your traditional burial, including viewing which I can respect for them but stand adamantly opposed to it for myself. My families tradition is cremation. This is a silly reason to have to outlive the man but alas, one does what one must.

I have always known cremation was cheaper and this is always one of my arguments when the subject comes up. The sign made me see a bit more humor to it however. I thought it was funny they had a sign out advertising their prices. Maybe the economy is so bad people are too poor to die, I don't know.

Occasionally Wayne jokingly says I spend all of his money. I am quite frugal and in this case I also am trying to save him some money. I think this issue though may be pointing out a truth previously hidden.

You're just a spendthrift Wayne, a silly spendthrift.

Turmoil

2009-02-23T08:28:00.002-07:00

I just read this article and it put me in a bit of turmoil. Te article does not say exactly what the new case is gogin to try to change but why would anyone not want everyone to have the right to vote? I do not understand this.

Intent

2009-02-19T14:37:00.001-07:00

I just spoke with Porter's social worker, she said she has a paper for us to sign. A letter of intent to adopt. Yeah! We are getting closer!

Sucker

2009-02-19T13:42:00.003-07:00

The other day I was at Wal Mart. This in itself is generally an ordeal, no? I felt awful but we needed some food. Or rather I needed some cravings filled. :) First I see a couple of my friends. Great. I looked horrible. I mean HORRIBLE. I felt the same. Allori and I got our shopping done then proceded to the check out. There was one lady in front of me and as I was behind her for a good 5 minutes she never interacted with anyone nor was there a child near her.

I heard a bit of commotion right behind us near the candy rack, so we glanced over naturally. There was a little girl about Allori's age with one of those push pops IN HER MOUTH! She made eye contact with me and the look in her eye let me know she knew she was being naughty. I was momentarily stunned. The second or two we were looking at one another seemed to drag on, I didn't know what to do.

The woman in front of me finished and called out a name, a child I supposed even though there had been no clues that they were connected before that. When I finally made the connection I said to the woman, "she's over here, and she has a sucker in her mouth!" She promply walked over as the child removed said sucker from her mouth, replaced the lid and threw it onto the shelf and dropped the little plastic wrapper onto the floor. The mother glanced for *maybe* a second at the shelf then exasperatedly pulled the girl's arm to get her stand up then led her to their basket and out of the store.

In case the cashier missed it, I told her the girl had sucked on the sucker and then threw it back onto the shelf. (It would obvioulsy need to be found and removed-yuck!)

Something tells me the girl learned it was ok to open candy in the store, if she didn't already know...to do as she pleased.

I Thank God my daughter is well behaved and obedient. What a fine example of how not to parent.

Pay it forward

2009-02-17T13:58:00.002-07:00

This is how it works..... The first 3 people to leave a comment on this post will receive a hand made gift from me during this year. When and what will be a surprise. BUT, in order for you to leave a comment on my blog, you have to post this on your blog first. (That means that sometime during this year you will send a gift to 3 people as well.) Get it? So, the first 3 people to comment on this post will be the lucky ones! Good Luck

My own note: please also send me your addy to trishaking@yahoo.com. Even if you think I have it please!

What's on sale?

2009-02-09T09:48:00.002-07:00

So this morning I was telling Allori she would probably be having a party for Valentine's Day on Friday at school and asked what she would like to take. I also told her that for the boys party, I was going to send them with oranges and Animal Crackers. (Yes, I am the mother that sends mostly healthy stuff.) I asked if she would like to take the same things. First she was trying to describe something red to me-but not strawberries. Finally she says..."Mom, lets just see what's on sale." Hahahahah. I love her! What 4 year old wants to see what's on sale? I have tried to teach her what I am doing and why I do it, so I guess she has been learning. Too funny!

full of funny

2009-02-06T10:47:00.004-07:00

You know...we need laughter. We do. It keeps us sane right? I have determined that i do not laugh enough. I used to be known for laughing...giggling, generally being quite pleasant (you know, mostly)....don't you think....some of you who have known me a long time?

So I had a pretty good laugh yesterday and need to share it with you. It's just one of those things that need to be shared.

I had a question to ask a member of the Bishopric at church so i shot him off a quick Email. Here is what I sent in it's entirety:

Hello. Is there any update on tithing slips from sunport?

End of email. Response I received:

Bishop Garrett has them. Hope you are all feeling better.

Seems fairly straight forward right? Well because both emails were so short I could see upon his response my short email which was right there on the screen. However I had made a rather obvious typo that unfortunately I missed until this point. Here is how my email actually read:

Hell. Is there any update on tithing slips from sunport?

Hahahaha. Oh my gosh. Seriously? I had to make THAT typo to a member of the bishopric? Really? I laughed until I nearly peed. Too funny. I did email him and apologize for my brazen foolishness. He laughed and said he had made worse curses by accident.

She's really that big?

2009-01-24T20:41:00.003-07:00

So Allori has been asking me for some time to go to school. She went to a preschool on fridays only for a few weeks when jena and juliana started going. But I soon realized I did not love the care she was getting and pulled her out. She says cute things like, "mom, I am still little, I need to go school." We do workbooks and I try to teach her things as we cook and garden and things like that. I try to explain things to her so she learns and asks questions and understands. But I think she really is just so ready to learn and I have known for a little while that she is really ready to go and learn....from others...and learn more about social skills, etc.

So we applied to headstart. We are over income but they told us to apply anyway. I prayed hard that she would get in. I can't afford to pay for preschool but i told myself i would have to figure it out when she didn't get in.

Well we got a call today, a Saturday! It was headstart asking if we wanted a spot in a center close to our house (she didn't realize it was so close to us.) Two people ahead of us told her no that it was too far of a drive. She had a list of seven people to call and had we not answered the phone she would have continued to call down the list.

I first feel incredibly blessed. I know my prayers were answered. Then, I feel excited for her. i know she will love it. Well, I hope she does. Then I feel a little sad. I will miss her during the day. I mean most of the days are just bland, but we have been together for 4 years. Every day. All day. I love her and I love being with her.

I asked her if she was sure she wanted to go to school or would she rather stay home with mama. She said very matter of factly but with her cute loving smile, " Noooo, everyone grows up and goes to school." Yes they do.

Please Heavenly Father, keep her safe. Watch her for me. Protect her and help me to be a support to her so she has respect for herself and others and that she will always know how important she is...who she is...that she will act accordingly. Please help her teacher to be aware of her, to care about her and to teach her well.

The boys are at respite this weekend and we planned to have a fun and relaxing day. We went to a fun dinner and then to ice cream. Allori, Wayne and I.(It's a bit torturous to go with two one year old's.) It was so nice to spend some special and quality time together. I feel like I am grieving? Is that normal?

They hear everything!

2009-01-23T10:36:00.004-07:00

So being the stellar wife that I am this morning, after letting Wayne do the morning stuff (like he usually does-do not be mistaken, this is a normal event. The man is amazing.) I pulled myself out of bed about a half hour after he left. Do not be alarmed-I had one ear pointed to the living room listening to my three hooligans (you know so I could decipher if any of the 7 cries truly needed my attention.) Finally I decided to pull my bum out of that so comfy bed and check on the hooligans. No one had lost an eye, pulled the dogs tail off or caused long lasting damage. There was however a trail of kix going from the cereal cupboard (I keep a low cupboard full of cereal for the kids to always have access to something ) to the tv. Fabulous.

My body aches. ACHES! But the death pain that was my back for the last 3 days has lessened a bit. Thank you Lidoderm. (I don't know why the site focuses on shingles but whatever.) They help my near constant pain, and I thank God for them! When I picked up my second prescription several months ago, the young cute pharmacist asked with a twinkle in his eye, "Do they work like a dream?" The glimmer in his eye hinted that we were sharing some beautiful secret. They DO work like a dream.

Anyway, upon seeing the kix and ignoring them..for now. I hurt too badly still to bend down and pick up trail-o-kix. Alright, so after chatting with Michelle for a bit and doing other important thigns on the internet. LOL I bathed. (See how productive the day is getting.) It was near time for the boys naps so got them down for their naps and turned music on the tv so allori and I could do some chores. She is a fabulous helper.

Well the chore part didn't really come. I am still working on that...Allori did start on the livingroom. But some lame song came on. I should have turned it off immediately but I was just trying to ignore it. (See, stellar mom too). All of a sudden Allori says, "low down, white trash..." at which point I was able to interupt her and let her know that those were not nice words. The line in the song ended with an even less pleasant word. Thank goodness she didn't say that. The world is such a crazy place.

In my little talk with her I did compliment her good listening skills. lol. Ah man...they do hear and see everything!

WOW!

2009-01-22T07:51:00.002-07:00

My friend Natalie is having a baby. She posted Maternity picture s on her blog this morning...they are GORGEOUS! I mean seriously gorgeous. Goosebumps, you have to stop what you are doing and just look in awe- gorgeous. Anyway check out how cute she is....

(I wish I looked so cute being pregnant. Oh, by the way, I am....pregnant.)

I LOVE and miss you so much Natty. (Can you email me your address please? Or just put it in a comment and I won't publish it.)

President Barack Obama

2009-01-20T10:08:00.004-07:00

We officially have a new President of the United States. This is an exciting and special time. It makes me tear up whenever I hear a man swear in to this office. May his words be honest and his intent be true. Work hard President Obama, we need help and we are depending on you.We support you and we thank you for this great service you are embarking on. May your family be protected and strong. God be with you.

What a month!

2009-01-03T23:03:00.002-07:00

Here's the readers digest version.

Washer stopped agitating; We got two more kids from CYFD; The two new kids went home; Microwave started creating little fires each time it was turned on, figured that wasn't good-moved it outside so I would stop using it; tv went on the blink (we just have one); Computer died; got a new washer and dryer (new to us); got a new microwave (lack of fire in appliances is generally a good sign.) Wayne's Grandma died; We packed up Christmas and took it to Blanding, Utah; Did Santa for the first time for Allori, as Wayne's family does it and well Santa couldn't really visit some of the kids and not the others right?; Funeral related activities including viewing (which still throws me off guard just a bit-in my family we do not do that at all. There is no checking out the dead body. And certainly no kissing it-a phenomenon I cannot comprehend, and also lots of reminiscing about grandma and hearing stories of her life. This was truly enjoyable as I really loved and admired her.); I pulled the kids around the Blanding streets-they were on sleds, I was on my brother in law, Ryan's four wheeler. This is a tremendous amount of fun. I even got Taya, my dog to hop on the four wheeler with me. Sherah ran next to it and kept up at 18-20 mph without over exerting herself; Issy got way sick and was excreting green goop from most orifices on his face. 2 ear infections and a sinus infection. He got an antibiotic shot and an Rx for a strong antibiotic, along with some eye drops which he seemed to think he was being put to death every time I put them in and screamed loud enough to alert everyone on the block; Packed up and trekked home; Within moments of walking in the door and seeing Allori burst into tears and inquiring, she said, "I just missed this house!" Boy am I glad she feels safe and good in our home. I love her so much!; Wayne kind of got one of the computers working again. Thank you love!; Issy's dad freaked out about Issy not being taken to the Dr sooner (apparently I should be Able to foresee him getting sick and take him in so the Dr can psychically tell us what medicine he will need. That would actually be pretty cool..but alas I have let my subscription to psychics Weekly lapse; My brother in law, Craig came down to work Luminarias with Wayne and their other brother, Adam; We had some friends over; Learned a new game (thanks Craig); And a partridge on a pear tree.

I don't know what that means but it seemed like a good way to end. As you can see it has been tremendously eventful. Several of these thing probably deserve a post of their own, but I just don't see playing catch up in the near future game plan.

Wayne's family does Christmas VERY differently than my family does, than I do. So although it was fun to be there, it was a reminder about why we generally stay home for Christmas. AS a for-instance....they do not prepare a Christmas eve dinner or a Christmas dinner, or special breakfast. All of which we do. I think the sitting down to eat and preparing the meals together is part of the family togetherness-bonding experience. Otherwise it seems like it really is all about the presents.

This year however I was very different about gift giving. I tried really hard to make gifts meaningful (quality versus quantity) and I reminded myself constantly that the reason we give gifts is a reminder of the greatest gift we have been given....Jesus Christ and the Atonement.

I hope each of you had a magical Christmas and a fun new year. I learned this year that New Years day is one of the days you are supposed to fly your flag-if you have one. So I flew mine. It's one of my favorite things that I have. A reminder of the blessing it is to live in the United States of America!

Our first taste of snow.

2008-12-09T22:05:00.003-07:00

Today Albuquerque got its first real taste of snow this year. We don't get tons of snow but just enough to remind me of the single thing I do not miss about living in Logan, Utah.

I remember winters when Iw as in school as I walked the short distance from the parking lot to the art building and it being so cold my nose would run and my eyes would cry - then it would freeze! Oh, there is nothing fun about that!

But isn't it a beautiful city?

Today...

2008-12-09T20:29:00.003-07:00

my sweet friend Carrie taught me how to make Chocolate covered cherries! Yum! It was very fun, except I don't think I was very good company, I wasn't feeling so great. But it was fun for me! It would be fun to insert a photo here, they came out very pretty. I need to get going on other fun Christmas treats. Makayla makes a fabulous caramel. I'd like to make those but am not sure how serious I am about them and since you age several years while making them...haha...we'll see.

How about that?

2008-12-09T20:07:00.002-07:00

Hmmm. Well, perhaps CYFD does do the right thing occasionally. (Nothing about this thought is intended to mean that children should not be removed from abusive or neglectful homes.) These two kids that got here Friday night went home to their dad today. Although CYFD says all (most) kids come in on a 48 hour hold I have not heard of any that went home that quickly until now. The mother was the one who was drunk driving, but stopped to brawl in the street wtih her sister. So pleasant. This 6 year old said her dad was at home, I wondered why she was not jsut taken home to her dad to begin with. Apparently the mother was so drunk she couldn't even tell them her husband was at home and could care for the children. Anyway, she was sooo excited when I told her she was goign to be with her dad. (She also said her mom was really mean but her dad was nice, he even lets her watch tv first and he will watch it second, after they watch their shows. lol)

Anyway, I have been really irritated with CYFD in days of recent so it is nice to see something work like it ought to.

And now I know I can handle 3 babies...you know if I ever had triplets or something.

One more thing

2008-12-08T00:00:00.003-07:00

or two more things.

Allori: Angela?

Angela: Yeah?

Allori: I love you.

Allori always tells her friends (Like Andrew, Don and Isaiah) that she loves them. It is so stinking cute. Theya re all little and generally they tell her that they love her back and it is a moment of pure Heaven for me every time I hear her. It makes me proud that she is so sweet. It makes me proud that she is so loving. And it makes me proud that she is my daughter.

Today Allori and Angela were in the back yard and she comes bookin it into the house and hurriedly says, "Mom! You know the green house? Taya (one of our dogs) jumped high...high...HIGH (hand motions showing me high, high and higher-she is a hand talker which I LOVE about her) and jumped right over the fence to nino's house!" The fence happens to be like 8 feet tall so surely the dog did not jump over this fence, right? Nino is the little boy who is particularly --well I think mostly he's not social...due to lack of opportunity? That's my guess-- who lives int he house behind ours. Our back yards touch. As an example he wills tand at the back fence and try to talk with us, in Spanish (That's why Allori things his name is Nino, because when he talks with us, his family comes out and tell him to get in the house that we are monsters. Ha! Bet they woudl be embarrassed if they knew Wayne wpoke Spanish and knew they called him a monster. Hehehe. Funny to us though, cause Wayne is so friendly looking, dont' you think? Anyway...) and I will always talk with him but I dont' go up the fnce close, I guess I don't see much of a point in it. But he can sometimes lure a child over there. Sounds friendly for him to want tot alk with us right? Well one of our experiences..he lured Jena over tot alk with him. I believe he was buck naked. And Jena went up to him (after she ran in to tell me he was naked of course) and then he POKED poor unsespecting Jena right in the eye. Yes! Through the chainlink fence he stuck his finger through and poked her eye. One time he grabbed her fingerand wouldn't let go. Anyway, it's a tiny bit funny to me.

Back to our previously scheduled story. So both Wayne and I hop up and head out to see if our dog truly jumped the fence. Sure enough Taya was over in Nino's yard. Huh. How did that happen? And how do we get her back? LOL

Wayne went closer to inspect and found that she had dug her way through...right under the fence. I called her (from the back door) and she tried to get back into our yard. Wayne had to help her a bit to squeeze through and then he blocked the hole temporarily. Crazy mutt.

Today

2008-12-07T22:21:00.005-07:00

We've been finding some good Christmas movies on tv. I guess I generally don't look for them. Until this year. I would definitely recommend Silver Bells being shown on WE and The Christmas Choir showing on The Hallmark Channel. Today we found one that wasn't a Christmas movie but seemed watch worthy. It was titled Front of the Class on a local channel. It was quite good. I cried like 6 times. Ok, maybe 3, I'm not sure really...the last 4 times kind of ran together covering the last 1/2 hour. Horomones? Yeah I think so too. Then I was reading blogs and as I was reading my friends blog I called Wayne over to show him the feature pictures. Nearly right after that, I messaged my dad that I loved him and the tear ducks opened again making way for the flood. I don't know why. I pointed out to Wayne that I was obviously on the weepy part of my cycle. He looks over and says, "Are you crying cause Rasband shot a deer?" It sounded so ridiculous that I laughed hysterically...and yes...more tears. Happy ones this time! but tears none the less.

Trisha: Um someone named their blog (xxxx). [I found it interesting, name left out to protect the guilty-not Kristine, thought I would mention that since her blog is referenced above.]

Wayne: What is the name of your blog?

Trisha: These days...

Wayne: [From kitchen] That was the best you could come up with?

Trisha: Ummmm, yeah I guess so. [squinty eyes at his inquiry]

Wayne: [silence, though not an unusual response from Wayno]

Trisha: What would you have called it? [If he can judge, he can add imput. lol]

Wayne: Wayne's blog.

Trisha: Good idea but in order to have your name in the title, you might actually have to have something to do with it....like reading it. [Thinking I am clever cause to my knowledge he has never read it. I have asked if he wanted the address once and he declined. lol]

Wayne: [silence again but since he returned to the livingroom, I scould see his incriminating smile]

Trisha: [Stunned] You've read it?.....when did you read it? How did you find it?

Wayne: [Silence and silly smirk]

Trisha: [Lots of questions, still feeling stunned] You read it?

Wayne: I've read it.

Trisha: huh. Well good thing I don't talk bad about you.

Wayne: Except that one time.

Trisha: [wondering if he really ever reads it although as you know I don't talk poorly of him...on here...hehe. kidding. Hmm.]

Today at church it was a little bit crazy. Three babies 17 months and under missing their naps makes for grumpy babies. Because our babies are all too young to attend nursery on their own and taking three babies to sunday school with only four arms between us isn't a great idea we will go to nursery and just stay there and help out a bit. Anyway today we were having singing time lead by my sweet friend Kristine (who's blog was referenced above) and we were singing lots of fun kid songs.

Now I know the song, "Where is Thumbkin." I sung it as a child and know all of the words...I thought. I had NO idea it had 5 verses. I only knew one. Unfortunately in the middle of Church Singing time for small children (under 4) I was struck with a sudden bout of juvenile humor. Now I have a few friends who I haven't seen in a while but who, when we hung out, juvenile humor was rampant. So when we started to sing verse two, "Where is pointer..." I was surious and interested...this was all new to me. I followed along pretty well. But then verse three started. "Where is tall man..." I just could not contain my laughter. I don't know ok. I obviously am not in control of my emotions (when am I?) and I laughed...out loud...several times. No one laughed with me. LOL. Still though, funny, right? I thought it was good times and hey, now I know. Wayne and I just sang a round of verse three. He apparently enjoyed it as well. As did the kids in the video. So they are 8....good times, right?

By the way, I do not flip people off...even when I am driving. I just thought it was funny that we were all waving our "tall men" around and singing. My friend Cammie-her dad used to say that I was simple. He's right. I am. And I am glad. I hope to find joy in simple everyday things more often.

Better get to bed soon...tomorrow Wayne leaves at 7:00am. He has his ultrasound on his hurting gut at 8:00 which means it will be my first day alone with five kids. Angela is in Kindergarten but she doesn't know what school she goes to and CYFD hasn't figured it out yet. So no school tomorrow. Might be interesting loading 5 kids up early enoguh to get her tos chool everyday. I wonder how thats going to work. I have gotten pretty good at having 2 babies on my hips (which are plentiful..ahhahahahah) at the same time. I don't think though that there is room for another one. I did however hold all three of them on (or near) my lap my lap duirng Sacrament. There was a lack of young men to pass the Sacrament so they asked Wayne (among a handful of other men) to pass it. He looked at me with a cute questioning smile. I gave him the go-ahead nod with the wish-me-luck look on my face. Josiah and Issy are jealous and generally want to be held when the other is being held, etc. And Leland wants to be held every waking moment. And that is no exageration. He cries constantly unless I am holding him or he is asleep. That's not really going to work well. Hopefully time will help.

By the way when we adopt Josiah, we will alter his current 4 part name to a 3 part name and will be calling him Porter. We have always called him both Josiah and Porter. I think because I felt right away we might get to adopt him. Nothing is ever certain with CYFD, but we hope to be able to adopt him next year. Porter is part of his four part name and although we will leave Josiah as his first name, we will call him Porter which will be his middle name. There are a couple of reasons we would alter his name. First I would want him to feel like he is our son in every way possible including having a hand in choosing his name. I think Porter is a very strong handsome name and is more unique, like I like. Also, Wayne goes by his middle name, did you know that? All of his brothers and his dad go by their middle names. Even one of his two sisters goes by her middle name. (Not sure why the other sister's name pattern got switched up.) I am not sure that I love the going by your middle name thing but I do see the value in doing special things in making an adopted child feel as much a part of our family as possible. This is something they can share, a similarity.

What do you think about a name change? In theory I think its wierd. But....I think my reasons trump that opinion so that's our plan.

I have a friend who just adopted two of her foster babies. She changed at least one of their names. It was kind of funny to me because she kept calling him by both names to me, for months, and finally I got the idea she was doing that for my benefit so I told her it was fine to call him whatever she wanted.

I get where she was on that though because at home we call Porter, Porter most of the time. But when we are out around others who have been introduced to him as Josiah, we call him that. How do we solve this dilemma? One of Wayne's brother's heard us call him Porter when we were recently in Blanding and asked why. I told him. Basically what I just told you and from then on he and my sister in law called him Porter. I thought it was cool. Cool, meaning I felt he stepped up and was very respectful. I might not have expected that. I know it seems like a simple thing...I guess he saw the value in his name and the value in him being part of OUR family, being part of his family. (I don't find it offensive or anything when others still call him Josiah after hearing our plan by the way, I think its a funny situation.) Anyway, share your thoughts.....

And goodnight. Sleep well....

babies

2008-12-06T21:50:00.004-07:00

This is Allori with some of her babies. I think her bed looks big but it is a twin. She sometimes falls off because she gives her babies so much of the bed. She has taken to bringing a few of them with us when we leave. She buckles then so everyone is safe.

Speaking of babies...last night we got a call asking if we would take two more children. We got another baby boy (9 months old) and his 6 year old sister. Today went well. Hope it keeps going that way. :)

A day at the park

2008-12-05T22:37:00.002-07:00

When we were in Chicago, we had a family day at the park, amongst 1200 other activities, We packed quite a lot into 5 days. Allori is braving this pole ladder thing. Isn't she beautiful?

Below is the most ridiculous, foolish thing I have done (since being a mom.) They had this HUGE swing. It was like the big chair in that old movie, "Big." Is was soo funny. I was laughing so hard while swinging, I nearly wet.

Above: My handsome brothers Jordan and Jacob. Below: My beautiful Allori.

Frisky

2008-12-05T22:34:00.001-07:00

At Jena's birthday party, Juliana wanted to take lots and lots of pictures. she got this one...It kills me every time I see it. Looks like Wayne was trying to get a little bit frisky. hehehe...might have that next baby after all! Hahahaha.......

Happy Birthday Jena!

2008-12-05T22:17:00.002-07:00

We recently attended Jena's birthday party. She is three now! It was very fun. We were of course the only white people there and the only people other than Jena, Juliana and one other lady (and their dad a little) who spoke English. EVERYONE was watching us all night...I guess "the foster parents" were intriguing...? Jena's dad went all out. He had invites printed well in advance, had one of those big jumping things, a massive cake, a big traditional Mexican feast, pinata, etc. Jena, however was not interested in a thing. She only wanted Wayne or I which (selfishly) was wonderful, for the entire evening. We were very clear when she was making the transition home that she woudl no longer live with us but would be able to visit. So lots of times when they visit, Juliana also very clearly says, we came to VISIT you. Well at Jena's party she kept saying, "I want to come SLEEP at your house." She put all of her emphasis on SLEEP so I woudl know she didn't want to just come for a visit. I am far...FAR stricter than her dad. Of course they hated it when they were here, but I suppose it's right what they say...children need that stability. One thing I have noticed, being a strict parent, is that it really shows the children that you have expectations of them. most of the biological parents we have worked with have little or no expectations of their children. I think it shows them we lvoe and trust them to be good people when we have expectations of them. Anyway...happy birthday Jena! We miss you! Doesn't Wayne make a great princess? ;)

Allori get her ears pierced.

2008-12-05T22:04:00.003-07:00

My mom wanted to pierce Allori's ears last year but Wayne didn't think she was quite old enough to make that decision so we held off but he thought she was big enough this year so when we went to Chicago, my mom got her ears pierced for her birthday. She was such a little trooper. Not a single tear did she shed! My mom bought her a second pair as a gift and so she woudl have a gift to open at the tri-bithday party we had for her, my brother Jake and my dad. So she got to pick out her earrings that her ears were pierced with. She chose cute little pink/clear flowers. They are darling. So is she! Also here is a picture (kind of) of Allori with her grandma.

Boys will be boys

2008-12-05T21:51:00.003-07:00

So here are some pictures of my boys being....boys. In my house that equates to being naughty. ;)

It's interesting having two because one of them will figure out some naughty thing to do and the moment I tell him to stop the other one decides it looks fun. Hmm!

In the second picture, Josiah kept following Issy fom one side of the couch to the other and dog piling him. Issy didn't think it was so fun, but it was kind of funny.

The final one is the boys helping to unload groceries.

What a week....

2008-12-03T21:24:00.003-07:00

Seriously. Wayne being sick has really throw our week off. I feel so bad for the poor guy. He is still out working on the roofs every day. And I have had a migraine for 2 days. That however is the least of my problems. Tonight my Josiah had a seizure and scared the daylights out of me.

He gets this terrible fever (up to 102.9) when he gets immunizations. Both times so far it has lasted for exactly 10 tens. So I talked with his Dr and she talked with the Infectious Disease specialist and they felt it was ok unless the fever spiked to 105 or he had a seizure. Well both times it went about the same so I felt I knew what to expect. Wrong! He has been grumpy, which is par and has the fever. Shots were last Wednesday. Tonight when we got home I put the boys in their highchairs and began to get their dinner when I suddenly noticed him--not sure what specifically caught my attention but I stopped and looked at him and his eyes closed a little and they suddenly started to bounce up and down. It only lasted 10 seconds or so but that was long enough.

He screamed the moment it was done. I grabbed him and ran to the phone. Is tarted to call the nurse hot line...hung up...started to call Wayne...hung up...called 911. (I do very well in emergencies except when they involve my kids. One of the last times Allori fell and got hurt, she screams awful sometimes and then she stops breathing. We can usually give her a small shake and blow in her face and she takes a breath. Well one time we were in Blanding she fell, screamed, no sound comes out, then she stops breathing. I follow protacol and blow in her face and jar her a little, nothing...again...nothing...again...nothing...her body goes limp...I freak...I scream....My sister in law grabs her and puts her on the floor...she starts CPR...I call 911....Chris got her back. I lost several years of my life. Thank Heavens Chris was there. Anyway, I apparently freeze when it's my own kid.)

They think it was due to his high fever and shots. Said it was ok if i just keep a really close eye on him. If it happens again we are so going to the hospital. For now I am nervous to let him out of my sight so he is asleep in my arms. He is a beautiful boy.

I was so afraid. I just kept thinking...what would I do without Josiah? I really feel that he is our baby. Forever....

We were told today that we get a new worker on Issy's case. YEAH! No one will cry about that. I don't know what that guy was getting paid for, he sure didn't seem to do much. We also learned that due to a hitch they found, Issy will not be going to live with his sister. We thought he would go home to her before or around Christmas. Looks like he will be with us for the long haul. That's fine with us. We love our babies!

No change on Wayne's illness. The Dr thinks he has pancreatitis. They should get his blood work back in the next day or so and He has an ultrasound on his gut scheduled for Monday. That will tell them definitively. Poor guy.

God thing I spent a lot of time last week on getting ready for Christmas cause that kind of came to a total hault! That's ok. As my friend and her mama say, "It came to pass, it didnt' come to stay." This too shall pass!

My Wayno is sick.

2008-11-30T01:03:00.003-07:00

OK. Wayne and I have an understanding. He is not allowed to be sick. Our family just doesn't run right. OK. What it is is maybe I have made a rule...that he is not allowed to be sick...really it's that he doesn't allow me to do anything for him, like he doesn't need anything and I have a hard time with that and he gets kind of a weird grumpy that I don't comprehend when coming from his normal even keel self.

Well he is sick. He has a weird pain in his upper abdomen that wanes some and he isn't eating and is throwing up. (Sorry, I am a detail oriented person.) Gallbladder maybe? He won't let me take him to the doctor yet. He's been like two days and still went and did luminarias both days-long days, while not eating and feeling like crud. Apparently I am a baby when I am sick. Well I guess when I worked-that's just what you do, you work through stuff..but for heaven's sake.

This is the first time in a long time that I have been up at night worrying about something. The last time was probably when Allori was small and we were having nursing issues. It caused much stress.

Please pray for my husband. I...I am nervous for him. It is moments like this when your love for someone becomes such a keen perceptible thing, something nearly tangible. I couldn't imagine ever being without him. So my knowing he is in pain and not knowing what it is, is worrisome.

The Literary Circle

2008-11-20T00:13:00.003-07:00

I thought I would take a post to introduce Michelle and my book group. This group is very laid back. We feature one (sometimes two) books a month and discuss them as we read them-all via the web. How convenient is that? Read, Get Smarter, Talk, Toss around ideas, Philosophize, Make friends. No pressure. (We released the pressure valve upon opening the group. True. Of course we want people who will read. We would also like people who will write about what they read, and comment on what other people wrote about what they read. We want people to read what others wrote. We want people who read sometimes, lots of the time or always. We want people who read. Do you read? If you read, you possibly could be a good match for this group. What do you say? It might be fun. If you fit into any of the above categories, I woudl suggest giving it a go. Or, maybe you're not so much a reader, but you know someone who does know how to read. Maybe they would like to see the site, take it for a spin. Here is the link, use it as you feel appropriate:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/The_Literary_Circle/

Here is a post I just posted if you want to taste it before you buy the whole package. This isn't my traditional post, but what is?

OK, I really thought about this. For the past few months we have featured respective holiday books. I am generally all for this but I have contemplated skipping a Christmas book and rather reading some gut wrenching drama or some other thing of the sort. My apologies to those who would have chosen the latter....but I promise it is coming soon. For the past several years I have taken the month of December and set it aside as a strictly Christmas themed book month. I love Christmas. I love nearly everything about it. I love the love that is freely given in gestures not necessary. I love the pleasant conversations at the early sales as you try to help each other (strangers generally, find their treasure.) I love making it a magical day for the people I love most. I love showing my family I love them as a representation of how the Savior loves us. I love the delectable treats and formal-ish dinners and the excitement of the children. I love finding the perfect gift. I love reading Luke 2 on Christmas eve and remembering the tragic yet beautiful circumstances that is the atonement in making. I love joy that in the deep of life is sometimes hard to locate, but seems abundant at this time of year.

So a Christmas book and a challenge too. Our feature book will be The Christmas Pearl by Dorothea Benton Frank. Please join us in reading this Holiday Book. I have read and truly enjoyed this author before so I have high hopes for this read.

By way of challenge. I would like to present one. I see all of these challenges and always say to myself, "self, I don't do challenges." Not that I won't, but simply that I don't. However upon further pondering I found that I do. Well 2 of them anyway. The first is to read the feature book on The Literary Circle each month. This may seem like a no brainer because I am choosing the book every other month, so obviously they are books I love right? Not exactly. The inspiration for this group was two fold. First, Michelle, my very best friend who lives a very long way could read the same book at the same timethat I read it, and then we would discuss it. I was so excited abotu our plan that I mentioned this to several friends who in turn all had the same response, "and you aren't going to let us/me/anyone else join?" Hmmm. I suppose we could do that. And how fun this has turned out for me and Michelle too I think. One of the complainers however un-joined a couple of months in saying she didn't have time to read. Hmm. Oh well, but that's for giving me the gumption. The second fold mission was to stretch ourselves and read things that we would enjoy but also choose things we might not otherwise choose. This particular issue presented it's own issues as now we weren't just trying to please ourselves but any number of group members. We aim to choose books that more people will read , will stretch the mind, will be entertaining and still mostly appropriate by many people's standards. No problem right? We have chosen a few books that have strung some intense and fabulous discussional posts. On the other hand, we have chosen books that only Michelle and I join in on. Anyway, back to the challenge. I have wonderful success in getting myself into the Christmas spirit by reading Christmas only books in December and would like to ask all willing readers to accept this challenge and begin by reading The Christmas Pearl together then chose a handful of Christmas novels from your local library and keep them going all month long. I know it's a busy time of year, but I use reading as my nighttime-cool off time. Who's with me?

(We have never offered a challenge on The Literary Circle until this very moment. Even the monthly reads have been voluntary so only Michelle and I have made those a challenge to complete. So here's to making Christmas great this year-here's to setting and reaching a goal and here's to a season celebrated for THE REASON, the true reason for this blessed season...our dear savior.

You have mail

2008-11-16T18:48:00.003-07:00

Ok, do you guys get these emails? You know the ones, right? The obviously personal email that is simply sent to the wrong address. I mean I know there are the junk mail messages that are made to look like kosher emails.I get them frequently. Too frequently I think. I don't think my name/email address is THAT common. Is it? Here is the email in it's entirety:

please take a this to Holly in apt. 4. she can't get her mailbox without it. I promised it friday but kat was sick. thank you vonetta

(attachment file named, "rental agreement.")

Winter

2008-11-14T20:55:00.003-07:00

It's hot chocolate weather and that is a sure tell that winter is here. mmm. Swing by and I'll make you a lovely mug of it.

Also our yard is full of leaves. Our HUGE cottonwood fills the neighborhood with leaves. I feel bad about that. Not bad enough to rake all the neighbors yards. Actually about every third house has a massive tree so its probably a combination of everyone's trees and wind filling every yard with leaves. Bummer for the non tree owners. Life isn't fair. Just another proof of this. But hot chocolate solves lots of problems and eases the pain and stress of the day.