Monday, July 27, 2009

Support and Bras

There are all kinds of support.

Boob support. Who is not a fan of this? This is the ONLY positive part of bras really. Ok, and that they don't knock ya out if you happen to have to run a step or two. But that's it. Those are the only two positive things. Men like it because it is easy on the eyes although we want to pretend no one is looking and women like it for self esteem due to the above mentioned reason. It's a cycle.

Customer Service Support. This comes in many forms, generally non english speaking as of late. This makes everyone happy. I am all for multi-lingual, would just prefer to understand the words being spoken to me. Picky...I know.

Support may also come in the forms of corroborating, sustaining and advocating to name a few.

But now I would like to talk about the kinds of support we have received in this difficult time. We have seen support in the form of food, prepared carefully to nourish our weary bodies. We have seen support in the form of kind words and endless prayers. We have seen support in phone calls and sometimes in the lack of phone calls, when people know we are too tired and too sad to give updates. We have seen support in keeping others updated for us, in taking our calls for us and sometimes returning them. We have seen support in chores done and children fed and lovingly put to bed in the first weeks when we were unavailable for those things. We have seen support when we have called in needs and have had them met nearly immediately. We have had tiny clothes and other gifts arrive in the mail with loving notes. We have felt support when we are spiritually uplifted and assured that our beautiful baby will make it out of this in a miraculous way.

I would never...could never have imagined the system of support that would pop up in our moment of need. Albuquerque has not felt like home to me in any way except in the people we have known. Still, I would never have expected or even thought we would be cared for so carefully and so lovingly. I cry as I type this because this touches my heart in a way I cannot express.

Thank you for being God's angels on earth. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and kindness. Thank you for making Cayde's difficult entry into this world a little easier and lot more loving. I have again been assured that Heavenly Father loves us and is thoughtful of our every need.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Cayde 9

Cayde was doing fantastically well. I suppose I was waiting for a big list of things wrong...but that never came. He was little and his lungs were not developed of course, but that's it...he was otherwise perfect and healthy. How is that possible? I kept asking myself and thanking God altogether.

On my way from recovery to my room in OB Special Care, my sweet nurse arranged to take me into the NICU briefly to see my little son. They rolled my bed right up to his...my emotions were all over the place. I asked in a very desperate voice if I could touch him. "Of course."

He was soo beautiful! I remember thinking that about Allori too. Each baby seemed so perfect, so tiny....Allori seemed tiny in all of her 6 lbs 11 oz. Cayde put a new meaning on tiny.

I was only able to be in there, near him for a couple of minutes. Everyone of them was perfect.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Cayde 8

Cayde was whisked from the room but they did get Wayne's attention so he could get a brief glimpse. It wasn't even long enough for him to get me to look that direction. I held tight to that tiny little cry I heard. I knew he was ok. Heavenly Father had let me know he would be ok and he was.

They finished doing whatever they were doing to my body. It felt like they were rocking me up and down. It was weird and I kept getting sea sick. Nausea was abundant. The anesthesiologist placed a little dish between my head and Wayne in case I was going to heave. Wayne joked that he would prefer it be on the other side. Always the funny guy!

I had no idea that they had stapled me up. Had I thought that was a possibility I would have requested something different. I feel staples are wrong....especially in the event they are holding flesh together. I feel ok about them and their relationship with wood. The last time my abdomen was cut open the surgeon sewed it up with dissolvable stitches both inside and outside. That was satisfactory to me.

Later Wayne said, "How could you not know they put staples in ya?! It sounded like a construction zone!" At which point he made dramatic staple noises. Lovely.

When I was close to finished up, which didn't take long, I was taken to a back alley....I mean a weird deserted recovery room with my nurse. Just her and I. I was doing that funky shaking thing. It lasted for a couple of hours. They said most women do that after having a baby. I think it's interesting that it happened after both my babes were born because one was a natural delivery and one was a Cesarean section. So apparently it has to do with hormones. After my first delivery I thought it was due to the trauma of pushing a child from my body. Apparently I was wrong. It happens occasionally.

Wayne was taken to the NICU where he spent a good amount of time with our brand new miracle. He took the sweet set of pictures of Cayde with the coins next to his hand and the one with Wayne's hand next to Cayde. I cried and cried when he showed me. Wayne's mom walked in as we were looking at the photos. I was still shaking and I felt sudden relief to see her. It was a pretty big thing for her (and Wayne's little brother) to come down from Blanding, Utah. Allori had been at home with my brothers who were visiting from Illinois. Porter was at respite. Taking care of two kids would have been a bit much to ask of my little brothers. My mother in law would be able to take care of my kids without me having to worry about making arrangements, etc. A huge relief for me.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Cayde 7

There were A LOT of people in the delivery room. At least 5 from the NICU, 2 from anesthesiology, a handful of nurses, it seemed like there were quite a few doctors and every time someone came to talk to me and tell me some other portion of what was happening or going to happen it was someone new. One of the NICU people told me that they would be whisking Cayde off immediately and taking him to "the room right over there in the corner." I could see no room but trusted it was in fact there. They said if Cayde was stabilized we may be offered a brief glimpse as he was then whisked from said corner room to the NICU. There were a lot of if's like that. By that point it had really started to bother both Wayne and I.

several hours prior a NICU nurse had come into my room to talk to Wayne and I about what to expect from the NICU, from having a baby so gestationally young and the like. She rattled off in a lovely memorized speech all sorts of information. Of which I could process very little with the kaleidoscope vision and accompanying headache. I remember a few things that she said, two of them resound in my head unwelcomingly. The first was this: "We cannot guarantee your baby will live." After that point I heard nothing else except her final statement: "You didn't cry..." I also heard the judgement in her voice. I burst into tears and looked at Wayne begging him silently to help me out of this situation, willing him to remove this woman from my presence that I might never see her again.

I had been crying a lot of the day. I suppose i didn't realize there were set times that i was supposed to cry. (Heavy on the sarcasm.) The nerve of this woman! She says first that she cannot guarantee my baby will live....then places judgment on my tears, or lack of tears. Could she seriously have thought that it hadn't crossed our minds that our baby might not live? Do I look like such a stupid woman? Surely not so much....

Of course we asked no person for a guarantee.

I have and continue to beg God for the miracle of keeping my son, that he will overcome all of these early obstacles...for him to be healthy and strong...for him to have the desire to fight for his shot at life.

Part of me feels this is entirely selfish....I cannot help it.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Wayne

Can I tell you what an amazing man I married? Too often I am too quick to complain about the little things, but boy when the big things come around, I would always choose him to be on my team. When we were in the hospital...oh I mean when I was in the hospital...it seems like it was a we cause the man never even thought of leaving me. (And I was there a full week!) A couple of times I asked him to go take care of arrangements for the kids but other than that he did not leave to eat, to sleep, to do anything....he was there for me 110%. It was so comforting knowing we were in this together. He never once complained and every moment made me feel like I was his number one priority. Even when the baby came, he made sure I was always taken care of. I don't know if I can explain to you or to him how comforting and wonderful this was for me. It was a scary time for both of us. But it was incredible to be a team and to have one another to lean on.

One morning he got in the shower and a few minutes later three nurses rushed my room. They scared me! One of them quickly asked if I was alright. I looked down at the call button/light and saw it was lit, I did not hit it so I was a little confused and said that yes, I was fine. I was trying to gauge the situation. I wasn't quite sure what was going on.

"Are you sure?"

"um, yeah."

"Is there anyone in the bathroom?"

"Um, yes my husband is in the shower." (Still VERY confused and nervous that we would get in trouble for him using the shower. We used the don't ask and hope for the best policy.)

She runs to the bathroom and turns the doorknob but does not open it, it was happening much too fast for me to process-you know with the pain meds and all. She let go of the handle but she grabbed it again and again let it go. Her face showed she was in tremendous turmoil. It was taking everything she had to NOT open that door. She asked through the door if he was ok and explained to him that he must have pulled the emergency string. Hahahaha. Still she is trying to turn the handle, it was very difficult for her not to go in. I teased Wayne that he was looking for some excitement...he almost got some too. (He would have been soooo embarrassed. Can you imagine a nurse walking in on a naked shy Wayne? Hahahah!)

Elevator Etiquette

Seriously? Does this need to be addressed? Come on people.

Let me set the stage. You have a 4 foot by 5 foot elevator. It's empty. The doors open and in walk 3 people. One (we will call her the easily annoyed one for obvious reasons) steps to the back left corner seemingly leaving a good portion of elevator left for other patrons. The other two walk to the back and stand directly in the center of the back wall. The easily annoyed one notices and thinks this is weird that they choose to stand so close to her. She feels like it is a million degrees and desires no touching. NO touching. The closest woman to the easily annoyed one oddly steps closer to the easily annoyed one, pressing her arm against her. Weird right? So she takes a step forward leaving everyone ample room. The lady moves also...taking a large step TOWARD the easily annoyed one. I know...it's not the woman's fault that the first girl is easily annoyed. Also not her fault that she feels it's a million degrees and thinks she is so hot she may combust. All not her fault...however....Is it necessary to lean against me when we have an entire elevator? (I know you are totally surprised it is me.)

So I say in the nicest voice I can drum up which is asking a lot right now, "Would you mind if I had a little room please?" Look, it was nicer than punching her and somehow it did come out sounding pretty pleasant. I was trying..ok? She kindly apologized and stepped slightly away. I am a fairly touchy person but really...? A stranger in the elevator? not so much.

So i think there should be a list of rules in the elevator. This is obviously an issue. LOL

Elevator Etiquette:

1. Do not touch strangers unnecessarily.

Ok, really that's all I got right now. Feel free to add your own. (And yes I see the future repercussions of limiting human contact in yet another formal way....I am just saying...use a little judgement ok?)


Also I think they should add a bench. I have nearly passed out in the elevator several times now.

Cayde 6



Cayde 5

June 19th 6:00pm

By now we knew we were going to have a baby pretty quick. (In the next day or so.) The doctors were monitoring both baby and I very closely and felt with some prep I may be able to deliver naturally. The first step was to start Pitocin as a sort of stress test and see if baby was strong enough to handle the contractions. This went very well. He did great so they turned the Pitocin off. It was just a test after all.

They had planned to then start the little pills that they put on your cervix to help you dilate. (I was already dilated to a 1, had been 50% effaced for weeks so if they could just help me along a bit, we should have been well on our way to delivering a tiny little baby.) For some reason they opted against the cervix pill deal which did not make me one bit sad. They said that could be a pretty long process and I was already with the crazy vision and muscle spasms racking my neck and back as well as the pre-eclampsia death headache. So anything (well, most anything) to move things along was appreciated. The cervix pill thing could have been a 24 hour process (as they would put an itty bitty pill in every 4 hours for up to 24 hours to "see" if it would do something.) A time frame I was not looking forward to. And really just seemed a bit too sketchy for me. The only positive there however was if it took a whole day that's one more day that little baby was in and one more day he was mostly safe. But even that wasn't a for-sure, so it felt like a coin toss.

Anyway, they decided against that. The only reason we kind of got was they didn't think it was safe to wait that long. (There were quite a few "not-safe's" floating around. A bit unnerving really.)

So they opted for the balloon torture procedure. That's right...balloon torture procedure. I was obviously in a delusional state to have let them do this to me. And they were tricky. They didn't use the scientific name of "Balloon Torture Procedure." No. They somehow made it sound like an ordinary walk in the park. Jerks.

Here's how it went down.

Nurse with sticky sweet voice: "Well we are going to take a catheter like the one you already have in place (This felt awful going in but then was fine.) and we will put it up through your cervix with a deflated balloon on the end.We will blow it up a bit and let gravity do it's magic." Well that doesn't sound so bad does it? Keep in mind my pain level was HUGE to begin with so not sure I could have totally processed the info anyway.

Before going any further. If anyone offers this lovely little procedure to you or your loved one, I suggest you run for the hills. Or kindly ask them to demonstrate it on a real person first. However you choose to handle this, DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO DO IT ON YOU! (Or a loved one if she is too messed up to know what's going on.) Seriously. If I have told you about this and you ever come back and say it happened to you..*shaking head*...just consider yourself warned.

OK, so catheter inserted THROUGH cervix. VERY NOT COMFORTABLE. Balloon blown up. Ow! Now I could not see any of this contraption but apparently it was hooked to a kite string and hung over the side of the bed with some weight on it so that gravity could "do it's magic." I didn't time it but it was at least an hour and less than two and felt like a massive contraction that lasted the entire length. Wayne was trying to sleep. I was breathing and trying to pretend it was passing more quickly than it was. Finally the "magic" started to happen." (Seriously you know a man who would never have to feel this came up with this stupid idea.) Magic? Jerks. The blown up balloon with the help of gravity started to make it's way through my cervix. I already felt like I had been having a massive 1-2 hour contraction with no relief...this pain was unbearable...It took about 3-5 minutes for the balloon to make it's way and I wanted to die. I thought I was dying. I probably would have chosen to die had I been given the option. Finally it came out and the pain was replaced with a shaky remembrance of the unnatural occurrence.

Wayne was rudely woken by my screaming which scared the tar out of him. I didn't even scream during 8 hours of hard labor with Allori. Wayne was horrified when he saw the torture contraction that had just escaped my body.

The nurse, or a doctor... I really don't know. Everything was sort of white and crazy by then, checked me and I was then dilated to a 3. Seriously? Three? Had I been a tiny bit more lucid, i may have punched someone. (Again consider yourself warned and do not EVER allow a balloon to be inserted where it is not welcome.)

They turned the Pitocin back on to start contractions again. (I requested an epidural at this point as I was really at my pain tolerance level.) They turned the Pitocin up, and up and up. There were very few if any contractions. They broke my water. No turning back then. The Pitocin went up, up more and still not any real contrations. Hours passed. Pitocin was turned up more and nothing. They checked me again and baby's little arm was covering his head, he was coming out arm first.

The doctor called for an emergency c-section. I burst into tears. It was obvious that's where we were headed but it still upset me. (I don't really know why.)

The prep was done incredibly fast, Wayne was given his scrubbs which he looked very nice in and I was taken to the operating room where on the way they asked if I wanted my tubes tied. This was humorous and odd to me. I was 26 weeks pregnant and thought until a few hours ago that I still had lots of time to make decisions and preparations. I declined as Wayne and I had not talked about it. We are done having kids but I still felt that was a decision that we needed to talk about.

The c-section went very quickly. I was prepped super fast and they were nearly starting after having to fix and fix and alter the epidural. I could "feel" much more than they thought I should be able to. The anesthesiologist said she was probably going to have to just put me out if her last effort didn't work. It did. They were starting...I asked where my husband was. oops! They brought him in and everything went very quickly from there.

Jonathan "Cayde" Pehrson was born June 20th at 1:52 pm. (He was due Sep 2oth.)
He weighed 1 lb 11 oz and measured 13.5 inches long.
He let us hear one tiny cry before they whisked him away.
It was the most beautiful and welcomed sound ever.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Allori's funny.

A couple of weeks ago, Allori said the funniest thing. For obvious reasons, I have not been able to share it yet...but this is one for the books.....

Wayne was playing a game or something with Allori and said he was going to go take a quick shower. He was being silly and so was Allori. She is also a bit impatient like her mom and asked if he was really going to hurry please. It was somewhere between a question and a statement. Wayne, in his silly state, began to pretend to scrub his hair and said something like, "I am just gonna wash my hair and hop right out...oh and maybe scrub my body too..." and his pretend scrubbing moved down to his rump. I was already laughing a bit at them...Allori's silly impatience and Wayne's silly scrubbing of his rump all the while dancing in place...when suddenly Allori in all seriousness including a deadpan expression says, "Please wash everything." Hahahaha.

She did not want the scrubbing limited to hair and rump only, apparently. Both Wayne and I busted up. Oh my goodness. I know I am bossy. One cannot deny such an obvious trait. But seriously....? She is 4. Can she learn it so young? I think this must be more of an inherent trait that a complete learned one. Possibly a combination.

"Please wash everything." hahaahahaah. Oh boy.

Cayde 4 (Allori)

It seemed so unreal. I mean it felt like I had been pregnant forever. Twenty Six very long weeks. But not nearly long enough to deliver a baby, I thought. Time can be so deceiving.

I was miserable my first pregnancy. Miserable. Sick, yuck, gross. And although we didn't have any serious problems right up until the end of that pregnancy, I anticipated that my next pregnancy would be just as miserable. (Expect the worst, hope for the best kind of thing.) Wayne and I talked about wanting 3-4 kids. During that first pregnancy we joked that one would be sufficient. It was hard on him too. I could not go into the grocery store, or the kitchen for that matter without throwing up. My entire pregnancy! I felt nauseous from the time I was 4 1/2 weeks pregnant til the day I delivered. Just for kicks I even tossed my cookies once in the delivery room. (There er lots of fun stories to share here but that's a whole other story!)

Each trimester was different where the morning sickness was concerned...I guess just to switch things up a bit. I was on Zofran which is a wildly expensive chemo nausea medicine. I would break the pills in 1/4's to try to make them last longer. (My co pay was like $7/pill.) In my third trimester i would projectile vomit with no notice. Fun times. (Uh....strong on the sarcasm there.)

A week before I was due I went to my second to last regular doctor appointment. This was the single appointment Wayne was not able to attend with me. My sister Tawni came with me. My blood pressure was extremely high. I remember now I had some pretty good headaches at that last little time too but because I have lots of headaches I didn't attribute them to anything pregnancy related. Dr. Milligan (This awesome young surfer guy doctor that Wayne and I both loved) had my blood pressure rechecked several times then sent me straight to the hospital across the street. I told him I would run my sister home and go right over. "Um, no, you won't be taking your sister home, you need to go right over there. Do you need an escort?" Ok, got it. Important. So we went and with no luck getting my blood pressure down I was admitted to the labor and delivery department and was prepared for an induction. Allori was born 28 hours later.

Now that I know more about pre-eclampsia I am guessing that I had it then too. It just didn't pop up until the end of my pregnancy, so it didn't get to a severe state and since I as at 39 weeks gestation with Allori, it was easy to simply deliver the baby and everyone was good. However because the doctors did not diagnose me with pre-eclamsia, when asked if I had had pre-eclampsia with my first pregnancy, I said no I had not been diagnosed with it. It wasn't until I did a bunch of research and we knew for sure I had it this time around that I began to think I had it then too. Apparently it is highly unusual to have pre-clampsia with a second pregnancy if you did not have it with the first. So either I am unusual in that way too or I did in fact have it my first pregnancy setting this one up to be much worse.

This pregnancy was very different. I was not constantly nauseous. The morning sickness came and went. I was taking Prilosec which made a MASSIVE difference with the morning sickness. If I missed a dose, within 6 hours-gross morning sickness took over with a vengeance. So even though I was less sick that way I still was/felt miserable. Pregnancy just doesn't do well for my body. Begin with a body that is tortured by fibromyalgia then add a hard pregnancy. It's not really a trip to Disneyland. Wayne and I agreed that we would have one more baby and if it was as bad of a pregnancy, we would call it good. Having two children naturally that is.

For the month before I delivered Cayde, the doctors were thinking pre-eclamsia but were tripped up by the fact I told them I did NOT have pre-eclampsia my first pregnancy. My blood pressure, which normally runs low was high the entire pregnancy, and getting higher with each visit.

Twenty Six very long miserable weeks that I would do over again in a heartbeat if I could see to it that my son stayed put a little longer, grew a little stronger and was a bit more ready to face the world. I would do anything to make this time easier on his precious little body and soul.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Cayde 3

Friday, June 19, 2009

After 4 doses of one iv medicine failed to lower my quickly raising blood pressure, I was switched to another medicine. Three doses later and only a couple of points lower let the team of doctors know I was in trouble. They put me on an iv seizure medicine. Apparently that high of a high pressure can make you seize. The medicine was super fun and made me have blurry vision. My peripheral vision looked like a kaleidoscope. Although i guess I can't say how much of it was from the death headache and how much was from the seizure medicine. What I do know is that I had kaleidoscope vision on the sides, blurry as well as double vision everywhere else and the nurses kept leaving me in the dark (literally). They said that would help. It didn't help, it only annoyed me. (I am easily annoyed though, to be fair.)

Around this time, they had diagnosed me with Severe Pre-eclamsia and as I said, they felt I was in danger. Now it was time to determine how the baby was. His heart beat was strong and steady. Wayne and I constantly felt certain that the baby was ok and would continue to be ok. (A little voice somewhere wondered if we were simply thinking positively or had indeed been reassured by our Heavenly Father that all would be well.)

A sonogram told us several things. The baby weighed approximately 1 lb 11 oz. (Could a baby be born that little?...And be ok?) It told us that his blood flow was not ok. With my body in danger, there was a chance that they could hold off and try to find a way to keep me pregnant in order to protect the baby as long as possible. with the baby in danger as well, that option was taken away. It told us our son would be born over the coming weekend.

We were both filled with fear.